The Virginity Monologues

On Saturday night I was walking down the street with my 'beautiful' friends. The ones that get seated very quickly at restaurants. The four of us were in a hurry and as such, were walking down Broadway as if we owned the street. Two men walked past us, and one of the men said to the other man, "There's goes Sex and the City right there."

Obviously, there are some women that would have been insulted by this remark, but we couldn't have been more flattered. A catfight ensued over who was who, and it required some serious hair-pulling, but I came out on top and got to be Carrie. Except, if I was Carrie, I never would have let Aidan go.

My gym boyfriend was not at the gym last night. What's that about? It's actually probably for the best, since I did a step class and walked out of that studio literally drenched in sweat. Not putting my best foot forward there. Tomorrow I'm going to enter a whole new world- a spinning class. I'm terrified. I was watching the people leave the spinning studio last night and each one of them looked ready to die. I'm hoping that a few weeks of Step and Total Body Conditioning have prepared me for this.

Random Thoughts for the Day:

1. I just finished filing my taxes. I am a genius woman who can do her own taxes. Can I get a HELL YEAH. Bring on the refund!

2. My sister is coming to visit me in April. She is getting an idea that I am not living quite how she expects me to (I haven't told her anything). There could be some difficult conversations to be had in a few months. I am not looking forward to this.

3. We had cable internet installed in our apartment this weekend and we are now all using my roommate's computer. Because I am the most technologically savvy roommate, I have deduced that there is all kinds of bad stuff on the computer (a previous roommate apparently had a penchant for porn). Unfortunately, my savviness extends only so far and I can't figure out how to wipe the hardrive of all the spyware and whatnot. Any ideas, anyone?

4. Due to the installation of cable internet in my apartment, I will soon be posting a picture of the tattoo. Woohoo!

5. I spent some time with my ex best-friend this weekend. It was equal parts wonderful and horrible. Wonderful because we immediately fell back into our 'routine' of banter and amusing everyone around us with our stories. Horrible because I was reminded of what I don't have on a daily basis anymore. It made my heart hurt. I miss her. I miss our comraderie and the feeling of security that comes with her friendship.

6. I go through phases regarding sex. Sometimes, I am ambivalent. I could take it or leave it. Sometimes I crave it with every fiber of my being. Lately I've been doing some serious craving. This is the longest that I've gone without having sex since I started. Resolutions suck.

Songs are so powerful. The right ones strike a chord somewhere deep inside that forces you to listen to it over and over again until you've managed to break free from the spell of the truth that it speaks to you.

I've been agonizing a lot over Mr. Wrong lately. I look at him and think about how desperately I want him. It always gives me a start to remember that I've had him. Multiple times. That he is the one that I lost my virginity to. Why can't I purge him once and for all?

This is the song that I can't escape, even when I'm not listening to it. It describes perfectly how I feel about everything that has taken place with him.


I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space?
'Cause now you have no interest in anything I have to say
And I have allowed you to make me feel dumb
What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside

You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you don't care that we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me.. you made a fool of me

I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do?
I smell you in my dreams
But now when we're face to face you won't look me in the eye
No time... No friendship... No love

Labels: Mr. Wrong

So, almost a full year ago, there began a game with a boy at my gym. Nothing ever happened. We spent months and months and months just making eye contact and never acting on it. I was fine with that, it gave me a reason to go to the gym, but I didn't ever have to go out of my comfort zone. Then I stopped going to the gym for a while, cause I was lazy and what not. Since I started going back, I haven't seen him. I assumed that he moved or just stopped coming for one reason or another. I was very disappointed to be missing out on that eye candy. I searched diligently for someone to take his place, but alas, no one 'did it' for me quite like him.

Last night- he was there.

My heart practically beat out of my chest.

Eye contact happened. And one glimpse of those arms reminded of all the reasons why I used to fantasize incessantly about fucking him senseless.

But... things are different now. I'm a little more jaded and cynical and wise to the ways of men, especially his type- cause he is definitely a 'type'. I'm more likely to try and make something happen now, but I'm smarter about exactly what I could expect from him.

A relationship? Not a chance.

Someone who is just looking to get laid? Almost assuredly.

Will I ever make a move? Positively not.

I have a theory about oranges. The quality of an orange is directly related to the ease with which it can be peeled. If an orange is difficult to peel, it will invariably fall apart, get juice all over my hands and end result- not that great of an orange. The oranges that the peel seems to just fall off, also always pull apart perfectly and taste divine.

Relationships are like oranges. If it's too difficult to make happen- in the end, is it really worth it? The great relationships of my life (all 2 of them) have both happened with a relative amount of ease. The first, the 5 year high school/college boyfriend had a connection that was instantaneous. For the first 2 weeks that we knew each other, we saw each other or talked on the phone for hours, every day. We fell into the perfect friendship/relationship that was as comfortable as if we'd known each our whole lives. We fit perfectly into each other's families. But since neither one of us believed in sex before marriage, you can imagine how eager he was to get married. Since I wasn't ready yet for such a big step and wasn't sure that I loved him enough to take it with him, it had to end. A year later he married a girl that reminded me so much of myself that it freaked me out.

Relationship #2, the only man I genuinely ever loved, was equally as easy. From our first date, I knew that I loved him. Within 2 weeks, he declared himself the happiest he had ever been in his whole life. He became my best friend. Sex became a problem again, and eventually this relationship also had to end.

What I've learned from these 2 people in my life is that it doesn't have to be so hard. When it's real and genuine, it doesn't require games or lies. All it really takes is 2 people, being honest with themselves and open to letting someone else into their life.

No wonder this is so hard to find.

One two-hour workout later and, oh boy do, I feel pain. My ass hurts, my calves hurt, my abs hurt, my everything hurts. I guess I shouldn't have expected any less when I took a class entitled 'Total Body Conditioning'. Then when it was over, I didn't feel that I had gotten in enough cardio (I only ran for 20 minutes before the class), so I spent some quality time on the elliptical, which really sucked because the only one available didn't have a CD player with it and I am without my iPod since I dropped it last week and it stopped working on me.

The good news is- thanks to amazing support by Apple (I don't care what anyone says, I love them), my replacement iPod is currently with the courier and it should be in my hot little hands within a few hours. Praise the Lord! If I have to go without it on many more subway rides and be forced to listen other people's ridiculously mundane conversations, I may be forced to stick a rusty nail in my head just to end the suffering.

Update- just was handed the new iPod. Everybody rejoice!

Reasons to Be Insanely Happy:

1. The perfect orange that I just finished eating. Mmmmm.

2. I may have been the uncoordinated white girl, but I worked my ass off and had a great time doing it at the step class that I took last night.

3. I started my period today- always a cause for rejoicing.

4. Weighed myself last Friday, and weighed myself last night. Difference? Decrease of 4 pounds.

5. Planning a trip to Miami for President's Day weekend.

6. Two words- Tax Refund.

7. Two more words- Fresh Direct

8. Healthy foods that I enjoy eating- granola, fresh raspberries and blueberries, avocado, shrimp (obviously not all together...)

9. An offer to hang out and eat cupcakes with Mr. Wrong that I turned down to go to the gym.

10. Hustle and Flow. A fantastic movie.

I'm almost embarrassed to write in my blog these days. What with my new no-man, lots of gym and weird food obsession phase, my life has become quite dull.

Not that I didn't have a great weekend, cause I did! On Saturday night I discovered that when one goes out with beautiful people, hour long waits for tables at high traffic/hip restaurants can turn into a brief 10 minutes. Seriously. And my friend kept going on and on about how hot the host was and he was clearly digging on her, so I made her write down her number on a piece of paper and then when she chickened out and couldn't give it to him on the way out, I marched it back in for her. He called her that night. All because of me, my smart-mouth and my take-no-prisoners attitude. Unfortunately, these are not the characteristics that make one worthy of not waiting for a table or calls from hot men on the DAY that I meet them, or ever, for that matter.

Oh to be beautiful!!!

But I did make it to the gym, multiple times, and I indulged in an incredibly decadent chocolate fudgy desert on Saturday night, because quite frankly, only death could have stopped me. All characteristics of a highly successful weekend.

I am hungry all the friggin time. When I'm not eating, I'm thinking about my next meal and what I'm going to eat and how many calories it's going to be and how to get in all my servings of vegetables in one day. I hate vegetables. They don't make me happy.

I drink water to drown out the voices in my head screaming for chocolate.

I chew gum to trick my body into thinking that I'm eating.

And I hate myself for the popcorn that I ate at the movie theater last night.

Damn King Kong and it's 3 hours of length.

Can a person make themselves like tofu?

I have a very rich fantasy life. The few moments before I fall asleep at night was always that time when I would imagine exactly how I wanted things to work with whoever was most on my mind. Sometimes it would be declarations of love, sometimes it would be amazing sex, sometimes it would be taking them home to the family (I don't ever fantasize about weddings, I don't know why), but now that fantasy life is gone. Now as I'm falling asleep I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get all of the food that I plan to eat the next day to work without looking crazy.

And worst of all- my salad and tomato soup NEVER hit the spot like a cheeseburger deluxe.

We may have a problem.

So, I'm taking a break right? No men. I'm not actively pursuing anything and I've stopped trying to maintain the quasi-relationships that seemed so important only a few months ago. I'm content in my solitude and focusing my energies on the gym and developing good eating habits and improving my mind.

How hard can it be, right?

I forgot about the gym and the abundance of men there with really nice arms. I'm trying to adopt a don't-talk-to-me-cause-I-take-the-gym-seriously type of attitude, but I still got hit on last night.

This could be harder than I thought.

Can someone please make the men at my gym less attractive?

Day 1 of my new plan to stop eating to fill the emotional void inside of me and my department ordered in breakfast. Shit! I had already stopped at Pret a Manger for my delicious but nutritious breakfast- their yogurt, granola and honey pot, but there before me were bagels.... Not just any bagels, but sesame bagels, my favorite, and veggie cream cheese. Oh the temptation! Get this- I only ate 1/4 of a bagel (with a smidge of cream cheese), then loaded up on the fresh fruit. Which is especially a feat considering that I didn't eat anything after I got home from the gym last night and was absolutely starving this morning.

Have I mentioned that, as a general rule, food is a problem for me? I'm not a crazy eat-a-gallon-of-ice-cream-in-one-sitting type of person, but I don't have good eating habits. I eat really late, I often skip breakfast because I'm just too lazy, and a lot of my meals include either Doritos or french fries. When I've had a bad day- I will eat especially bad because I feel like I deserve it. If I've had a good day, I celebrate with food- generally Doritos or french fries.

What really sucks is that I've got a body that if I don't eat right all the time and exercise almost every day, I balloon like the Stay-Puff Marshmallow man. I like to blame genetics, because quite frankly, mine hate me. But really, I've just got very low will power and self-discipline.

It's time to put an end to the vicious cycle. I'm never going to get will power if I don't start exercising it.

And so begins a new phase of my life. I'm taking a break from men- cutting them all out of my life and focusing on me, my will power and the lack thereof.

I like to consider myself to be a person of a certain degree of depth. I have a strong religious background, have spent some quality time pondering the meaning of life, volunteer on a regular basis and have a genuine love of humankind. But I will admit to a strong and abiding obsession with pop culture. And as such, there are things that I never miss- The Golden Globes and The Oscars. I watch the arrivals, and the post-event wrap ups. I can spend hours musing on what a train wreck I think Mariah Carey is and how much I love Joaquin Phoenix. Remember when I put him on My List, long before the whole hoopla of Walk the Line? I am not some bandwagon fan where he is concerned, I'm the real deal.

I didn't end up seeing my ex-boyfriend this weekend. He was out of town. Probably for the best. It probably would have stirred up emotions in me that I don't want to feel anymore.

Abby, my roommate, asked me if I would date him again if given the opportunity.

I didn't even have to think about it- the answer is an absolute no.

Why? Because I know him well enough to know that even if I did have sex with him (we broke up because I wasn't ready and he wasn't willing to wait) it still wouldn't work out. And getting over him the first time was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Getting over him the second time would kill me.

And let's face it- the world is a better place with me in it!

Labels: The Ex

Things I Wish I had Known About Getting a Tattoo, BEFORE I Got a Tattoo

1. It hurts- for days afterward
2. They require a lot of care- involving foul smelling ointment for at least 4 days.
3. Can't go swimming/hot tubbing/anything that immerses you in water for 10 days.
4. They get scabby and disgusting as part of the healing process.
5. Some people think they make you white trash- and they'll tell you that to your face.
6. You immediately become addicted and want to cover your body in them.

I am exhausted. The earlier I go to bed, the more tired I am the next day. I can't get out of this hazy fog of sleepiness and I'm getting real tired of it!

Mr. Wrong has been goading me all day. Asking out my friends, in front of me, and telling them that he's doing it just to piss me off. What the hell is wrong with him?

I did it.

I said no.

New Man made it clear to me what he wanted from me. Fun, fun, fun, he said. He liked me, but but couldn't offer me anything serious. Wanted to know if we could be two adults, just having a good time together.

I told him no.

I told him I wanted more than what he was offering.

What do you want? he asked.

I want commitment. I want someone I can depend on to be there for me.

I want love to be a possibility.

I won't compromise.

I won't settle for less.

There is a very real chance that I will see my ex-boyfriend this weekend. L- one of my dearest friends, who introduced us, is coming back into town and there will be a big to-do for her. We will both be invited and I know that I will be there.

How do I feel about this? I don't know. We haven't seen each other in about a year and we haven't spoken in at least 7 months. And I don't know why we stopped speaking. We were doing pretty well with the 'friend' business. He just stopped returning emails. No explanation. No confrontation. Just casually removing himself from my life.

What will he think when he sees me? What will I think when I see him? Will he look at me and feel disdain? Or will he remember how great we had it? How, in the short time that we spent together, we shared moments that were more powerful than all the rest of my other relationships combined.

Will he remember telling me he loved me?

Labels: The Ex

Instant Messenging Conversation with New Man-

Chloe: so seriously- tattoos

Chloe: turn off or turn on?

New Man: it depends

Chloe: you'd have to see it, huh?

New Man: well, it can be a turn off its its ugly or put somewhere it doesn't make a whole lotta sense, but they can be really sexy too

Chloe: hmmmmm

Chloe: Now I'm worried mine may not pass the test..

New Man: don't be

New Man: its all good

New Man: i'm sure its just as sexy...

Chloe: as sexy as what?

New Man: as all the rest

Damn.

Fastest way to turn me on? Tell me I'm sexy.

Okay, so everyone said that the pain of getting a tattoo is not so bad, which I agree with. It was not even half as painful as I expected. What everyone failed to tell me is that there is residual pain that takes a few days to go away. Every time I lift my right arm, I feel it acutely. Yeow!

Now, I want to talk about kissing.

Mmmmmm. I LOVE kissing. It's probably my most favorite activity in the whole world. I can kiss for hours and hours and never get tired of it, if it's good.

There's all different kinds of kissing. Greeting/goodbye kisses. Long, slow, melty I-think-you're-swell kisses. Can't-get-our-clothes-off-fast-enough-kissing. Perfunctory foreplay kissing (no real effort into this kissing- these guys just want to get to the main event). etc, etc.

Friday night, Mr. Wrong kissed me with those slow-melty kisses. I felt them everywhere- the good places (my heart) and the naughty places (you know what I'm talking about). He was kissing me for everything he was worth and even did my most favorite move ever the bottom-lip suck. Oh how that gets me every single time. And it just went on and on and on.

Kissing like that is a double-edged sword. It's certifiably earth-shaking. It fills those spaces in your soul and serves as a reminder of what passion is really about. But when it's over, and you're still alone, it makes the loneliness even more unbearable. Knowing what you've had and don't have anymore hurts like a bitch. At night, you just lay in bed, remembering what it felt like to have your souls joined together like that no matter how brief it may have been, knowing that while it lasted you were his and he was yours and the rest of the world crumbled away in irrelevance.

That's what kissing is all about.

Labels: Mr. Wrong

Phone Calls I didn't receive on my birthday-

Marc (who absolutely knew it was my birthday, he was invited to the party and I ran into his roommate the night before at 40/40 who bought me birthday drinks)
My Dad
Jay- who I ran into on the street and he TOLD me he would call me and then didn't.

ASSHOLES. The lot of them! In a fit of righteous indignation, I deleted Marc's number out of my phone. It's becoming an epidemic these days. Pretty soon, my entire phone book is going to be deleted!

Overall, it was an amazing weekend. The partying began on Friday night with some of my boys, including Mr. Wrong- who bought me flowers and then kissed me rotten, but 'didn't feel right' about having sex with me. Oh the hilarity!!

Saturday night- a bowling party where I discovered that the more that I drink, the better I bowl! Then dancing at 40/40 where I ran into Marc's roommate, who couldn't stop staring at my breasts, and the Bouncer! A man that I briefly, briefly dated many months ago. It was weird.

Sunday- I commemorated my birthday and the major life changes of the past year by getting a tattoo of an orchid on my right shoulder blade. It's pretty. Abby (my roommate) and I went to dinner, then I just went home and crashed.

I'm going to need a few days to recover from all this.

Labels: Marc

Whew. Two days to go and the birthday celebrations are beginning already! Just had a huge pizza party lunch with my department, which I was completely oblivious to. I love surprises! And a good friend of mine has 4 presents for me and I get a new one every hour. It's very exciting!

There's a new man on the scene. He sort of popped up out of nowhere. My new rule for the situation is to not think about it or analyze it too much. Just let whatever's going to happen... happen. Yeah, we'll see how long that lasts. Patience and under-analysis are not my strong suits.... He's asking me about my dating status and lots of interesting questions about myself, so I think he's interested. But let's not get carried away here. This is me we're talking about- the woman CLOAKED in man-repellant. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I send this man running for the hills.

So..... that's all I've got to say today. I'm all distracted and having a tough time focusing.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Having become keenly and intimately acquainted this year with all of the things that I don't want in a man- it's time to take stock and figure out what I do want.

Here Goes.

1. Someone who is sincere. He means what he says and he never says things just because he thinks that what I want to hear. I don't want sugar coating. I don't want lies. I want honesty and sincerity.

2. Someone who can laugh with me. He thinks I'm funny, and he makes me laugh equally if not more.

3. Someone who spends time getting to know me before trying to have sex with me. He understands that there is so much more to me than just physical.

4. Someone who understands that teasing is my way of showing affection and doesn't get all huffy and sensitive with everything that I say.

5. Someone who fights back. If I can walk all over someone, I will. I want a man who's not afraid to call me on something or have a difference of opinion and express it. If a man is even remotely afraid of me- I don't want him.

6. Someone who understands that I might be independent and career-oriented, but sometimes I want to come home, have him put his arms around me and make everything okay just by being there. I want someone who I can depend on to be there for me when I need him.

7. Someone who can love me as much as I can love him.

Am I being unreasonable? Does this even exist?

Damn you all.

You're all right. Karen is. Randy is.

I fucking hate tough love. In the absence of any even remotely deserving men, it looks like it's going to be a year of celibacy for me. Awesome!

So, I did a phone exorcism last night. Deleted all the numbers of men who are unhealthy for me in any way. Jay went first. That one was tough- he was in my Missed Calls, Received Calls, and Dialed Calls.... There were about 5 more guys that got the boot. Marc stayed. We're friends if nothing else.

I had myself a little cry then went to sleep.

New dilemma today. It's my birthday this weekend. Birthdays are a big deal to me. I'm having a SMALL party, and only inviting very specific people that I know I'll have a good time with and we're going bowling, which is one of my most favorite things to do.

There are a couple of people that keep asking me about my birthday- what I'm doing, etc. They're not invited. One of them is not invited because she drives me crazy and all she's capable of talking about is her ex-boyfriend and how much she still loves him. I don't want to deal with it on my birthday. The other person is a good friend, but she's a total attention whore. It's the worse case I've ever seen. I never have a good time when I go out with her because it's always about her and what she wants and how many guys she can get to notice her. She completely ruined one of my nights this weekend and I just don't want to have to worry about it happening again. She ruined one of Karen's birthday nights and I don't want her at my birthday shindig. Somehow I have to keep them from coming without hurting their feelings.

I hate apologetic phone calls. They cloud my brain. Make it difficult to stay angry.

Argh.

I am in a foul, foul mood today. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night due to some phone calls around 3 am that ended up with me not even getting any. The only acceptable reason to call someone that late is if you're going to rock their world. This morning, my world is decidedly UNrocked. And Jay (my unbelievably hot neighbor who is pretty phenomenal in the sack) is in the doghouse for a long time, if not permanently, and was the recipient of the meanest message I have ever left in my entire life this morning.

Of course the New Year is that lovely time of year when you get to look back and re-evaluate the year that is coming to a close. I've got a lot to evaluate.

Regrets? None.

Am I going to do things differently in the future? Absolutely.

I've learned some really tough lessons this year, the hard way.

But I learned a lot about myself in the process.

I was just talking to Randy. And really, if I'm going to start this new year off right, then I should probably just scrub my life of all the men in it. When it comes down to it, none of them are good enough for me. I should be withholding myself to only men that are deserving.

Only one catch.

The men that I think that are deserving don't want me. Never have. And beginning to think that they never will.

So here's the dilemma that I've got running through my head. Do I hold out, for it to mean something, knowing that the possibility of that happening anytime in the near future is virtually nil? I'll spend this entire year alone and sex-deprived. Or do I continue down this road of satisfying yet meaningless sex?

Ugh.

At the present moment- I hate myself.

Labels: Jay