The Virginity Monologues

I'm tipsy. And angry. And frustrated.

Reason for Negative Emotions #1:
A lot of drama is going on with housing in my life right now. My best friend, Karen, and I have decided that it's time to live together. My apartment (which is a 4 bedroom) is legally completely mine. My name is the only one on the lease. I can do with it whatever the fuck I want to. I was planning on not re-signing the lease in April so that Karen and I can move in together. Some things have gone awry in her apartment and it has been decided that her and her fantastic roommate, Shannon, will move in with me. That means kicking out some of my roommates, which I am legally allowed to do, since they are not on the lease. One of the current roommates was only staying for 2 months anyway, so I don't have any troubles with that situation. Other roommate, who I am SOOO happy to see go (she is uptight and judgmental) is not quite so easily taken care of. Because I am a nice person, as soon as it was decided that Karen and Shannon would move in with me, I told Amy (uptight and judgmental roommate). That gave her 6 weeks to find someplace new. She told me today that she is moving out this weekend and is thereby sticking me with her portion of the rent for January. NOT HAPPY.

So, just to spite her, I got out the bottle of wine that I've been holding in my bedroom for the last year, since I didn't want to offend her with alcohol in the apartment (she doesn't drink) and started drinking. Not a good idea on an empty stomach. After a frank discussion about how she has to give ME 30 days notice before she moves out, which is why I require a deposit when she moves in, we both agree that we'll each go half for her portion of the rent for January.

But I'm still pissed.

I did her a favor by telling her as soon as I did. I could have waited until January 1 to tell her to make sure that this didn't happen, but I wanted her to have as much time as possible to find new housing.

So basically I screwed myself by being a nice person.

Reason #2 for Current Negative Emotions:
Birthdays are a BIG deal to me. I make a big deal out of other people's birthday's and I love making a big To-Do about mine.

I HATE planning my own party.

But I'm doing it anyway.

And it's making me nuts.

I hate it.

Reason #3:
I want to call Cam. I want to tell him that I'm having a bad day and that I need him. But I'm not going to do it, because I'm so afraid that he's going to tell me to hose off. I'd rather go without him than risk him rejecting me. And I hate it.

Happy New Year's Everyone!

Today's Title from: Frustrated by Joan Jett

I think that there is maybe no better feeling in the whole world, then being asleep in bed with someone after having had pretty damn phenomenal sex, and feel them turn to you (because you sleep on your side, always facing the edge of the bed), snuggle themself up behind you, run their hand up and down your hip, before settling that hand on your stomach, underneath your tank top.

Cam is a real snuggler. It's surprisingly adorable. He tosses and turns a lot, but he always end up pressed tightly against me.

I'm mildy confused about our relationship. When I made about a comment about how he's the most educated guy I've ever dated (masters in computer science), he jokingly remarked back, "oh, we're dating now?" And when I stumbled over my words for a response, he nuzzled my neck and said he was just messing with me. He wants to know what I tell my friends about him. He says that he's told all of his friends about me. When I haven't seen him for a while, he tells me he misses me. He gets impatient to see me. He asks for my advice, he talks to me about his problems. He asks me to stay the night, when I'm the one always leaving. He's promised me that he's not seeing anyone else, and he doesn't want me to be either.

But I feel a little bit like there's something missing. Something that I can't quite put my finger on. I'm holding back emotionally with him and I don't really know why.

Today's Title from: And So it Goes by Billy Joel

Labels: Cam

I'm back!

I actually returned to my glorious city on Christmas Day around 11 pm, but I took the day off work yesterday so I could sleep in and spend some time hanging around my city in the holidays. Which was a mistake. Too many people! Go back to Kansas everyone! For fuck's sake!

Home was good. It's always startling to me to get back in the family groove and to realize that we are a pretty eff-ed up group of people. We all hate my step-dad. We tolerate my step-mom because she's superficially the nicest person you've ever met, although quite manipulative behind the scenes and ubiquitously bra-less. For the most part, in-laws are welcomed into the fold with open arms. My brother-in-law is a total rock star and if we could clone him I would marry him in an instant. My sister-in-law- wife of the brother closest to my age is fantastic. She's a crap-load of fun and I really enjoy being around her. She made several comments while I was there, however, which only solidified my decision that the whole of my family will never know the truth of my life. They lean a little toward self-righteous and it frightens me to think of what they'll say about me when I'm not around if they knew that alcohol is a regular part of my life, as is the type of sexual escapades that have been interesting enough for my last two lovers to have deemed me 'freaky'.

All in all- as my plane touched down in New York City, I shed a few tears at the sheer relief of being someplace that I felt like I belonged. And when I turned on my phone, there was a message from Cam, wanting me to come and see him when I got in. I didn't go. It was late, I was tired and grumpy and a little emotionally disheveled. But it was nice to be wanted. To know that I didn't have to be alone.

Today's Title from: Back in Black by AC/DC

I've gotten frighteningly attached to New York. So much so that if often feels like a limb is being severed when my plane takes off. Everyday that I am away from it, I am reminded of all the things that I miss.

1. The convenience of the subway. Yes, you read that right. Holiday traffic and bad weather makes driving here an absolute nightmare. I've spent more time in a car than doing basically anything else, except maybe sleeping.

2. Heat. It's cold in New York. And it's frighteningly cold here. But in New York, my building is heated by a boiler, which we have no control over. Often the heat spewing from the radiator in the corner of our living room is so intense that we open the window. This is the standard form of temperature control in New York City. Here, in Smalltown, USA- people have to pay gas bills. They are worried about them being too high. Thus, their heat is generally turned down low. Thus, I am ALWAYS cold. I sleep with a sweatshirt and socks on, with about 3 blankets on top of me. I miss being warm.

4. The bodega's on the corner and the ubiquitous pizza places, when you're in the mood for a quick slice.

5. Men who find me attractive.

6. People who understand that bigger hair isn't necessarily better.

7. Single people over the age of 24.

8. Noise. I can't sleep in the total calm and solitude. I need street noise. I need noisy neighbors. I need car alarms and garbage trucks.

Labels: New York

I've started about 3 different blog posts in the last few days, but haven't had time to finish any of them and now they all seem irrelevant anyway, due to my freakishly short attention span.

In a few very short days I will be traveling for 7 1/2 hours (no direct flights from NYC to my hometown if you can believe it) and re-joining the ranks of the Suburbanites for a week. I will drive a car (not a manual, my favorite, however, because everyone in my family drives automatics). I will go into very large grocery stores, and perhaps have a panic attack at the sheer amount of open space. I will not miss the strong tourist presence on every street corner, but I will miss the hustle and bustle that infuses me with a zest for life everyday. I will run into people that I went to high school with and I will probably hate every single second of it. They will feign excitement at my life- but really they will be eyeing me as if I have every STD on the planet because I have not yet turned my uterus into a baby-making factory, or secured myself a ball and chain, otherwise known as a husband. I will spend too much time trying to snuggle with my sister's new rat-sized dog. And I will have trouble sleeping because I will be going to bed approximately 5 hours before my normal bed-time. I will hold my nieces and nephews as tightly as possible every opportunity that they will let me. I will feel like a terrible daughter because I will be so excited to get on the plane to return to New York, while my mother will struggle to hold herself together at the airport. I will have a ridiculous conversation with my step-mom regarding 'goals' for my life. At some point, my father will make me feel like I'm not good enough. At some point, I will want to punch my brother in the face for being a judgmental, self-righteous prick, who has never been nice to me.

I will remember all the reasons that I spent my whole life fantasizing about living in New York City and be proud of myself for having made it.

Today's Title from: Home by Michael Buble

Labels: New York

Dearest Scott-

I didn't think it would ever happen. I didn't think there would EVER be a time when I would not ache for you, when I would not long to talk to you.

Poof!

It happened. Shortly after our IMing conversation a few days ago, when we talked about your family and I apologized for not being more understanding about a situation that I knew nothing about (silly, I know, but that's the kind of person that I am). And we agreed to be friends. Strictly platonic friends. You promised to take me out for my birthday, and we both expressed a desire to remain in contact.

While we were talking, an instant-messaging window from Cam (him and I have been seeing each other for a while now, he's the guy that I wouldn't tell you about) popped up. He wanted to see me. He had bought Syriana and didn't want to watch it alone (it IS a little depressing), so he wanted me to watch it with him. Plans were made for that evening.

After that I was done talking to you, I had said my peace and didn't want to drag the conversation on longer than necessary, so I signed off IM.

About an hour later, I had a message on my cell phone from Cam. He got called to play in a basketball game that night (he's in like 10 intramural basketball leagues) and said how sorry he was, but could we reschedule movie night?

Scott, you were great. Absolutely fabulous. But you never would have done that. You would have simply not called and let me spend all evening fuming about what had happened to you. You would not have answered calls or text messages. You would have just... disappeared. I know this because you did it to me AT LEAST 10 times. I lived in HOLY TERROR of it every time we made plans, which is why I learned NEVER to make advance plans with you.

And there it was. What I knew in my head FINALLY made its way to my heart and your lingering presence was gone.

I may still have an enormous ass. But I feel about 50 pounds lighter.

Smooches-
Chloe

Today's Title from: Movin' On by Rascal Flatts

Labels: Scott

I'm realized that my life is very small- geographically.

The island of Manhattan is about 2 miles wide, by about 10 miles long. It's not very big. And I often find that I can't remember the last time that I left it. Now that I am no longer dating/fucking Scott, The Man Who Lives in Queens- I am fairly certain that the last time I crossed the East River was to go to the Mets game in October. And I definitely haven't been to Jersey recently, I know I'd remember that.

I do pretty much make the best use of space on my home island though. Cam lives at the very top of the island (a mere $8 cab ride from me, LOVE it. And yes, we had an enormous fight and then really fabulous make-up sex, so he's back in the picture and is becoming awfully attached to me, it's very interesting!). Karen lives in Spanish Harlem, so I've got the East Side covered. I work smack in the middle of the island on 42nd street. And my favorite place to socialize is the West Village- around 4th street. I don't get down much further than that though, unless I'm drinking in the Lower East Side or shopping in SoHo.

But really, the beauty of New York is that physically it might be small. But everything we could possibly want/need is right here within the 2x10 mile radius that is our world.

Except my family.

And The Cheesecake Factory.

Today's Title from: New York by U2

Labels: New York

All of my worst fears about myself have been confirmed. Follow my train of thought and you'll understand why.

I learned this morning that Scott had been going through some pretty serious family issues while him and I were dating/seeing each other/fucking. Things that he only mentioned to me very superficially. In such a way that I never would have suspected the depth of the trauma involved on his part. I wondered why he never shared any of it with me. After seven months of knowing me, does he really think I am of so little substance that he couldn't discuss those things with me? Does the man that I shared pillow talk with for seven months really find me to be so lacking in depth that he can't discuss with me the most important things to him?

I decided to head out for lunch and walk a little, pondering my identity crisis. Do other people really perceive me as that superficial? Do they look at my middle-class upbringing and current fairly priviledged lifestyle and assume that I know very little about heartache or what its like to suffer? And the worst of it all is that I wondered if it was true. I used to fall back on my deep seated religious beliefs as proof that I was a person of substantial personal integrity, but since I no longer believe those things, what is there about me to show that there is so much more to me than just the clothes that I wear, the place that I go and the people that I know? Was there really anything more to me than my fancy job, my obsession with sex, my shoes and my handbags?

HANDBAGS!

Sweet fancy Moses! I had forgotten about the Kate Spade sample sale! Luckily there was an open taxi right there, as if waiting for me. So I jumped in and directed him to the location, not needing to go back into the office and look it up because I have been there so many times previously.

20 minutes later, I made all my troubles disappear with this lovely new addition to my collection. And I felt better about having lost out on those Isaac Mizrahi heels that had been plaguing my dreams.

The end result is that I just might not have any depth to me at all, and I just might truly be everything that I fear most.

But at least I'm going to look good doing it.

Today's Title from: Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt

Labels: Scott

I've said it before and I'll say it again- wow, what a weekend!

It was Karen's birthday on Saturday, so the weekend was filled with plans in her honor.

Friday Night:
Just Karen and I went and grabbed some salads and then saw a movie together. Other than the sheer joy of just being with her, the night was relatively uneventful, until the phone started ringing. Mr. Wrong. I didn't answer. I didn't answer all SEVEN times that he called. Once he even left a message, which he NEVER does, where he said that he knows I'm upset but he wants a chance to make it up to me.

NO THANKS!

Saturday:
I went running, then I went to dance class, then I wanted to die, so I went home and took a nap. Later that evening, Karen and I and two other friends went out to Moroccan food which was scrumptious, then went to a lounge in the West Village and played ping pong which was the most fun that I've had in a LONG time. None of us were very good, so we couldn't ever keep a good volley going and the ball was constantly flying all over the place and hitting other people. I honestly can't remember the last time I laughed that hard.

After Ping Pong we headed to 40/40 for some booty shaking. As I stood outside the restroom waiting for Karen, a familiar face walked past me. It was Chris, Marc's cousin who asked me out at Marc's big birthday dinner a few months ago and I had turned him down very badly. It did not go well. He lives in New Orleans, but we've actually talked quite a bit since that night as he is launching a business that I happen to know a lot about, so he enjoys picking my brain. He was ecstatic to see me, gave me a huge hug and told me that he was there was all The Boys. So he takes us back to a lounge room in the back and the fun just continues. Marc is there, but I'm tired of playing his games, so I spend most of my time talking to Chris and Marc's brother, Josh, whom I adore. Chris is drunkenly completely smitten with me. He's always got his arms around me and kissing me cheeks or my forehead. It was cute. It was nice to be adored. It got a little awkward when Chris was taking a picture of me and Marc, and Marc reached down to grab my ass, but all in all it was some pretty good times. And I walked away regretting having written Chris off because I was distracted by Marc those months ago. Wishing I could have another chance.

Sunday:
Dinner at Karen's house. I cooked.

Appetizers:
Stuffed Mushrooms (stuffing made of cream cheese, mayonnaise, sour cream, bacon, scallions, and lemon juice- SOOO delicious!!)
Artichoke Cheesebread

Dinner:
Homemade chili

Dessert:
Fun-fetti cake- per Karen's request

I should start hiring myself for dinners for special occasions, because I'm turning into one heck of a chef. I was quite pleased with myself.

And now the weekend is over, and ridiculously enough, I can't stop thinking about Chris. He sent me a text last night to tell me how happy he'd been to see me. But I don't know where to take it from here, or if I even should, considering his very close friendship with Marc and that he lives in New Orleans.

Dating sucks.

Today's Title from: Birthday by The Beatles

Dear Cam-

We had a good month. We did! When it last long enough, the sex was great. Things were nicely uncomplicated and you made me feel special when you told me that I gave the best blow jobs you've ever had and loved all the shirts that I wore especially for you and your boob fetish. You never made plans that you didn't keep and you were always very good with the communication. So imagine my surprise, when I expressed some sadness over instant messenger today that we couldn't see each other for a while due to our hectic schedules, and you told me to "call someone else". You even said, "call your ex until I'm available."

WHY DON'T YOU CALL ME A WHORE WHILE YOU'RE AT IT?

Fuckhead.

Just because I'm not demanding commitment from you doesn't mean I don't deserve respect.

Let's not see each other anymore. Mm-kay?

Smooches-
Chloe


Dear Scott-

I still miss you. And I hate myself for it everyday.

Smooches-
Chloe


Dear Saks-

When I put something on hold, I EXPECT IT TO REMAIN ON HOLD. I do not want to go in, a few very short days later to pick up the shoes that practically give me an orgasm and be told that there are none left. Anywhere.

It upsets me.

And probably Isaac Mizrahi too. To know that a pair of his shoes would have been loved more than any other pair and instead they probably were sold to someone else, who would never appreciate them the way that I would.

Smooches-
Chloe

Today's Title from: What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong

Labels: Cam, Scott