The Virginity Monologues

My Life. The Mistakes I Make. Uncensored.

Friday, November 21, 2008

It's Christmas, All Over Again

It's time for Christmas music! And I need some new stuff. I want everyone to comment and tell me your favorite Christmas songs. I love, love, love Christmas music and I will even listen to artists I regularly find distasteful (except Celine Dion- she's always out, regardless of time of year).

Some of the songs on my current heavy rotation are:

All I Want for Christmas is You: Mariah Carey (early Mariah is so much more bearable than the more recent Mariah)
Miss You Most: Mariah Carey
O Holy Night: Josh Groban
Santa Baby: Eartha Kitt
It's Christmas (Baby Please Come Home): U2
Last Christmas: Wham!
White Christmas: Otis Redding
Almost anything from the Harry Connick Jr. holiday CD's
Do They Know It's Christmas: Band-Aid
Baby It's Cold Outside: Dinah Shore
My Only Wish: Britney Spears (i know!)
Christmas Song: Dave Matthews Band
Grown-Up Christmas List: Michael Buble
And anything holiday by Stevie Wonder


Today's Title from: Christmas All Over Again by Tom Petty

Monday, November 17, 2008

He makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, Just one touch

As written on Saturday morning......

I didn’t want to get up this morning. I didn’t want to get out of bed and think about anything besides you. Your hands. Your lips.

I didn’t want to shower. I didn’t want to wash away the smell of you, the taste of you, the touch of you. I wanted to be able to smell you on me forever. I wanted the last things to have touched my lips to have been your lips. I wanted the curve of my hip to still bear the feel of your hand.

In time, I won’t believe my hours with you were real. I’ll forget the wonder of kissing you endlessly. I’ll forget the feel of our sweaty foreheads pressed together, our mouths so close, we breathed each other‘s breath, our lips occasionally meeting with gentleness or with frenzied desperation. We couldn’t get close enough. I couldn’t touch enough.

I hope I’ll never forget how tender you were. How you never made me feel like even one second of our time together was a business transaction, but filled every moment with scorching passion. How every chance you got, you pulled me closer, until I could feel your heart beating against my chest.

You talked to me for hours, about the moments that made up OUR history, while tracing my tattoo with your fingertips and dropping kisses on my shoulders. You told me of the time you had seen me unexpectedly at the office and had been unable to continue your conversation, so stunned by how beautiful you thought I was. You remember my entire outfit, even described how my hair looked.

After the third time, it was clear that we were both spent, and still you wouldn’t let me go- still kissing me right up until it was time for us to part because you had a plane to catch. And before you let me get into a cab to go home, you kissed me fiercely, a last second reminder of the depth of the connection we had just shared.

Today's Title from: Sexy Love by Ne-Yo


Sunday, November 16, 2008

If I don't let myself by happy now, then when?

As I walked to the subway in Brooklyn this bitterly cold morning, I ran my mind over what will go down in my personal history as a truly spectacular weekend.

I went home after work to get some sleep in before what I knew would be a late night.  I had movie plans with BFF, then a friend had just found out she had passed the New York bar exam and celebrations were in order. As I drifted into sleep, my phone rang.  Jose.  A good friend that I used to work with. A mutual friend had been laid off and everyone was meeting for drinks at a bar in midtown.  

"Will B-Boy be there?" I asked him.

"No, sorry babe, I asked about him, and he's at a wedding in the Bahamas."

I'm disappointed, but I'd like to see all my old friends, so I get out of bed and get dressed and head to midtown.  I schmooze with friends for about a half and hour before leaving to meet BFF.  We see Role Models, which is potentially one of the funniest movies I have ever seen.  Plans aren't set yet for the night by the time the movie is over, so I head up to Betsy's place to figure it out.  

I'm chilling out on Betsy's bed watching Betsy have a clothes crisis when I get a text message.

"Where are you? Come hang out with me." From: B-boy

My heart starts RACING. This could be the opportunity that I've been waiting for, for FIVE years.  The crew from earlier is all still out and he texts me the details.  Betsy and I make our way down there and drink and dance and flirt for hours. B-boy and I are glued to each other's side and everytime he touches me, I sizzle down to my toes. 

We leave around 1:30.  Separate post for the ensuing hours to come.

Nicole texts me about a national demonstration on Proposition 8.  I'm tired beyond all reason, but I want desperately to fight for the cause that I believe in.  A group of us head down to City Hall and stand with the thousands of others there, fighting for equality.  It is an incredibly moving and inspiring experience and I find myself crying more than once. After we're done chanting for equality, we find our way to a neighborhood bar and laugh ourselves silly for a few hours. 

A few hours later, I am heading to Brooklyn to meet Spatch for dinner before going to a party together later.  We talk animatedly for hours over drinks.  Her smiles are so prevalent and genuine.  It feels good to see her so unbelievably happy. While she finishes up her costume for the evening, I lay on her bed, mellow from my one glass of wine (my tolerance is practically nothing at this point after four months of spectacularly lightened drinking) replaying my night with B-boy over and over in my head.  I feel ridiculously happy.

We head to a space in Prospect Heights for a brand new kind of party for me.  Its a party where sexual activity is encouraged and there are lots of beds and mattresses to facilitate this.  I go into the evening not planning to participate in any sorts of these activities, but to spend my time with my friends on the dance floor and have deliberately have dressed fairly conservatively. I spend most of my evening observing in wide-eyed fascination.  Realizing that there's still a lot of things that this small town girl still hasn't experienced, and I'm okay with that.

Around 3 am, I've had enough of the action and leave to go stay at Caryn's house, since I'm not interested in trekking back to Harlem from deep Brooklyn she has offered to let me stay at her house. We talk until I can't keep my eyes open for one second longer.  

I wake on her couch this morning to her perfect adorable cat, licking my foot.  We find our way to a delightful french bistro for brunch, and I am always in awe of just how well the two of us get along.  Every time I see Caryn, I leave being so very, very grateful to have her friendship. 

Today, is for spending the day on my couch, coming down from the non-stop activity of the weekend and having deep talks with my BFF about what kinds of changes I want to make in my life (i.e. no more chasing a relationship and trying more casual dating). 

Today's Title from: For Me This is Heaven by Jimmy Eat World


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Best News EVER

It is official- I no longer have to take super-power anti-coagulant coumadin!!!!!!!

**throws confetti**

Monday, November 10, 2008

One man come in the name of love, one man come and go

Okay, so I'm sorry.  I've been totally MIA lately.  Mostly, because the big stuff that's going on for me right now, are things that I'm not 100% sure I should be writing about. But I'm going to anyway, and I'm sorry if I alienate or offend anyone.

I've been crazy emotional lately.  Crying feels like a regular part of my days now.  No, I'm not sad and depressed.  I'm just emotional about a lot of things, mostly pertaining to Election Day.

I've been crying with happiness.  With relief.  To FINALLY have someone in the White House that I BELIEVE in.  He inspires me.  He makes me want to be a better American.  He makes me want to do anything that I can do to help make this world a better place.  It feels amazing.  I won't go into all the reasons that I was terrified of a different outcome (I'm sure you can guess, I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with Sailin'), but I'll NEVER forget, for as long as I live, the moment when Jon Stewart (yes, I was watching the election results on Comedy Central, but my laptop was on CNN) announced that Barack Obama had won and my neighborhood came alive in a way that I had never seen.  I feel so HONORED to have been in Harlem that night.  To have stood in line at the polls and voted along side the residents of this community. Sharing a dream that came true.

I've been crying with sadness and frustration.  The outcome of Proposition 8 in California left me stunned and abhorred.  I'm going to refrain from saying anymore, mostly because just talking about it makes me angry beyond comprehension.  I'll never understand why people fight for discrimination and persecution.  

On another note.  This has the potential to be an absolutely amazing week for me.  Tomorrow, I'm getting an IUD.  I know this will sound weird, but I'm ridiculously excited.  I'm a girl who REALLY doesn't want to get pregnant, and without the added protection of the birth control pill for the last 4 months, I've been a WEE bit anxious. 

Also- I have an appointment with my primary doctor on Wednesday.  It's been 4 months now since The Pulmonary Embolism, and we'll be discussing how much longer I need to continue with the Coumadin.  The recommended time frame is 3-6 months.  So everyone keep your fingers crossed for me!  

Today's Title from: Pride (In the name of Love) by U2

Monday, November 03, 2008

There is a lie that drags us, Beating and pulling into disappointment

This morning on the subway, I tried to remember. The last person who gave me butterflies. And I can't remember. I have no idea who it was. Sure, I was pretty crazy about The DJ, but I remember telling my BFF that he didn't give me butterflies and that I was disappointed about that.

Am I less and less genuinely interested in men because I'm older and know better, or because there's genuinely less interesting men?

It may be a combination of both, but it's also fucking irritating.

B-boy bit the dust. Turns out he wanted ME to do all the chasing. Cue racuous laughter. Dude. I don't chase. AT ALL. Its all right though, because when I lifted up his shirt to admire his beautiful abs, I caught a glimpse of the weirdest looking belly button that I have ever seen and maybe it's better that my interaction with said belly button was minimal. Don't want to be scarred for life, ya know?

The Kid. Well. After 1 date, I can safely say that this is something that will never go anywhere. It may be that his idea of taking me out for a nice dinner was Red Lobster in Times Square. It may be that his table manners left a LITTLE something to be desired. It may be that his hands were the same size as mine and that he weighs significantly less than me. It may be that he's 22 and it shows. Either way- I absolutely cannot see myself having sex with him, much less date him. UGH.

And so, with Mr. 11 firmly planted in Florida and not coming back anytime soon it looks to be a long celibate stretch in front of me. Especially because I'm realizing more and more that I'm less interested in sex for the sake of sex and more interested in the intimacy of having sex with someone that I have an emotional connection to. Cheesy, right? And spectacularly unfortunate, since the emotional connections are fewer and far between these days. Talk about a lose-lose situation.

P.S. Go out and vote!!! I've never been so emotionally invested in an election before in my life and I won't tell you WHO I think you should vote for, but instead, just plead with you to exercise your right to vote. Be part of the solution!!!

Today's Title from: What Happens When the Heart Just Stops by The Frames

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