The Virginity Monologues

My Life. The Mistakes I Make. Uncensored.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

So While You Sit Back and Wonder Why

My apartment has been a bit of a tense and uncomfortable place for the last few months.

Fortunately, everything seems to have taken a turn for the better last night.

1. We got a new couch. We’ve had this HATED futon in our living room that made it feel like a college dorm. It was an eye-sore that caused me grievance anytime I saw it or got anywhere near it. Last night, a craigslist find changed our living room, nay our lives for the better. It involved a lot of lifting and shoving (mostly by my best friend who is a veritable TOWER of strength, Karen) and even the removal of our front door, but we prevailed.

2. My roommate, Shannon, is moving out. Its been a drama-filled couple of months with Shannon, who used to be a very, very good friend of mine and Karen’s. For quite some time, we were an inseparable 3-some. Unfortunately, her true colors showed that she was manipulating and using us, and our friendship crashed and burned. She told me she was moving out, only JUST before I was going to ask her to leave.

There was a big dramatic showdown last night, involving a random friend of hers that I have never met before screaming at me that I am a rude and disrespectful person because she has failed to pay me for many things that she owes me (to the tune of about $130, that I can actually calculate. There’s no telling how high that number really is considering how much I floated her for movies/food when we were first friends) and to insure that I get my money, I held on to something of hers that has a lot of value.

It was not pleasant. And left my heart absolutely breaking.

Maybe I wasn’t always the best person. Maybe I could have handled a couple of situations differently.

But I’m not the bad guy here.

Luckily for everyone involved, she will be gone by the end of the day today. Hopefully she doesn’t take my TV.

Oh, and just for the record, Oscar and I are NOT getting back together.

Today's Title from: Sabotage by Beastie Boys


Thursday, October 25, 2007

Now it's time to prove that you've come back, Here to rebuild

Dear Z100 Morning Show Part 2-

I blame YOU for the events that took place last night. Well you and the gallons of wine that I consumed at that wine tasting. That god-damn song was running through my head all fucking day. All day, I was thinking about him and all the good things that I miss about him.

So much so, that when he called last night, it felt like fate. And when he found parking a very short distance from my front door, it felt like fate reassuring me.

And when he folded me in his arms, it felt like coming home. And our fingers entwined and remained that way for the rest of the evening, no matter what we were doing. Talking. Kissing. Sleeping. I couldn't get close enough. I couldn't smell enough. I couldn't taste enough. I wanted to cram 2 months of missing into one night.

I cried when he told me how much I'd hurt him. I cried at my front door this morning when he kissed me and said, "Bye baby," just like always.

Hell, I'm even crying now. But that's because I only got 2 hours of sleep and I'm extra-emotional. And they were 2 hours of sleeping in the arms of the man that has an inexplicable hold on my heart, the man that I ache for, more than anyone else.

I don't know where we're going to go from here. Things are still very much undecided, and I absolutely refuse to get back on the Crazy Train.

But, damn, do I want this man in my life. Despite every misgiving that I have.

And I blame you, Z100. For playing that fucking song.

In A Wee Bit of Turmoil-

Today's Title from: Call and Answer by Barenaked Ladies


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

And I've been thinkin - I've got my reasons, Just to get by

Dear Z100 Morning Show-

I listen to you every morning while I'm getting ready. You're all very funny and entertaining. But please, from the bottom of my heart I beg you, stop playing T-Pain's Buy U a Drank. It's run its course, it's at least 6 months old as this point. STOP TORTURING ME.

Why does this song torture me? Because, my lovelies, this song was just getting heavy rotation right as I was beginning a relationship. And it was wonderful. I was getting butterflies and he was so attentive and fabulous and really great in bed. And he loved this song and he sang it to me all the time and we listened to it in the car constantly.

And its over now. And its still raw and it still hurts. And everytime I hear this song, I am back in that first month when I couldn't have been happier to have this man in my life. Before he destroyed me with his ambivalence and apathy. And this song is like a very sharp dagger, taking its aim directly at my heart.

So, please. Give T-Pain a rest?

My sincerest thanks-

Today's Title from: Get By by Talib Kweli


Monday, October 22, 2007

I don't want to perish like a fading horse

I'm here! I'm alive!

It's been a crazy couple of weeks.

I spent 4 very lovely days in Chicago, and I have decided that I would really like to live there. It feels a lot like New York, but much more laid-back and without the overbearing tourist presence. Plus, the men were seriously digging on me. It was.... interesting.

This weekend was one for the record books.

Saturday night, I attended a bachelorette party at Banana's place, that was easily one of the most entertaining nights of my life. "Special" cake, men dressed in drag, a stripper weilding some kind of grinder and some of the craziest people I have ever met all left me laughing harder than I have in ages. It is my firm belief that nights like this are good for the soul. They remind me that life can be tough, that responsibilities can be overwhelming, but I can still forget all of it for a night- and just be. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Sunday I spent at Storm King Art Center with 13 of my closer friends. We picnicked in the unusually warm October afternoon, then wandered the grounds for hours, stopping frequently to stop and laugh at nothing in particular. On the drive home, I was so exhausted, I laid my head on the shoulder of the tall man next to me in the van, and when he leaned his head over to rest on my head, I was so grateful in that moment for friends who make me feel so safe and warm.

Life is entering a chaotic season. My dad will be here for a visit soon, where he will inevitably make me feel grossly inadequate as a daughter. Then I will have surgery, and my sister will be here to take care of me. Then it will be Christmas and I will go home for a week.

Then it will be my birthday and I will turn 30. And I will probably have an enormous mental breakdown at this point.

Today's Title from: Forever Young by Alphaville

Friday, October 12, 2007

We got something started, It was outta sight

I've been thwarted by my own phone!!!

So, remember the guy, the Tuesday night guy, the one that I cursed out because he randomly disappeared. Well, there was an explanation. There was an out of town trip and a number forgotten at home.

There was also an adorably frantic call last Monday and an urgent message to call him back.

We've hung out a couple of times this week, and I've been working very hard at just letting things happen and not freak out too much and to not have my expectations too high.

I don't even know what to call him.

Let's keep it simple and call him Domino.

So, last night, he came and hung out with me while I did laundry. Then he left because he had some things to take care, but asked if I would be home later so he could call.

Imagine my surprise when my phone did not ring once all evening.

But, the most important lesson I'm trying to teach myself is that- things happen. Not everyone calls 100% of the time. Its okay.

So, I didn't freak out and I went to sleep okay and I was not biting off everyone's head this morning, as I am generally known to do when someone does not live up to my expectations.

Earlier today, I was chatting with a friend (okay, I'll be honest, it was Scott, but nothing is happening and we're just chatting, that's it), who said that he called me twice last night and it went straight to voicemail both times.

OH NOES! (Since I started visiting I Can Has Cheeseburger every 30 seconds, it's completely worked its way into my vernacular)

Farging phone!

Domino probably called and I probably didn't get it because my phone HATES ME.


And just to give everyone a heads up- not that I have been a posting maniac lately, but I am going out of town for 4 days next week. Do not be alarmed if you don't hear from me for a while.


Today's Title from: Why Didn't You Call Me by Macy Gray

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

And I can't stop feeling sorry for myself

Dear Tonsillectomy-

Remind me to stop reading everything I can about you. Its starting to scare me. I know you're a whole month away, but I am the kind of girl who embarks on road trips with lots and lots of maps. I prepare. I plan. I want to know what I'm getting into ahead of time. So, I google about you. I google about recovery and about pain (and quite frankly, what I read about the weeping that takes place at Days 4-9, well, I'm very, very afraid. And so should my roommates be also).

And, Tonsillectomy, lets have a frank discussion here. I read that you take away people's taste. And that sweet things completely lose their flavor.


So help me, sweet baby jesus, if you do that to me, if you ruin my ability to enjoy a glass of cold, sweet wine or a perfect little square of Godiva chocolate, I will beat you to a bloody pulp.

And please, try not to make the pain too unbearable, mmmmkay? You've got a month to plan and prepare.

Glad we got that squared away.


Today's Title from: Don't You Know Who I Think I Am by Fall Out Boy


Sunday, October 07, 2007

Kiss and Run

My Tuesday night boy did a Kiss and Run that has left me completely befuddled. I haven't experienced such blatant interest from someone in a long time, and to completely never hear from him again has left me scratching my head.

The worst part is- I've held him on a pedestal for ages. Years even. He was always, the 'nice, respectable guy' who never made me feel creeped out by leering. Part of the reason I didn't talk to him for a long time was because I didn't want to find out he was just like everyone else. I wanted to keep him in my mind as a Nice Guy.

Disappointment is not a stranger to me, but last night as the tears tracked down my cheeks, I felt something inside me snap. I wanted to punch and hit and kick and yell at the heavens for their blatant hatred towards me. I wanted to stop feeling like I'm being punished by God for turning my back on the religion I was raised in.

I wanted something to work out, for once. I wanted someone to see past my outside and recognize me for the caring and compassionate person I am inside. I wanted someone to want something more from me than sex.

It was probably the best thing in the world for me, that I woke up Saturday morning to meet some friends for paintball. It was a long, incredibly hot day. I spent hours upon hours with Email Boy and his friends, hunkering down in the dirt, laughing as I nailed people and bemoaning the pain from being shot myself. It was an awesome, awesome day. I dripped with sweat in my mask and camo jumpsuit. I was a miserable shot and an easy target. But the comraderie was fabulous and the laughter and ease was never-ending.

Email Boy watched over me. Filling me with more love for another human being than I thought possible. Later at dinner, him, Karen and I laughed until we cried over nothing in particular. And as he dropped me off, I felt validated by our relationship.

And I know I have it good. I have an amazing, amazing life. And I will never have to be alone.

But it doesn't stop me from feeling painfully and desperately alone.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Don't wish, don't start, Wishing only wounds the heart

I didn't expect you to burrow yourself into my thoughts so deeply, so very quickly. How did this happen? Where did you come from?

I mean, yes, we've known each other incredibly superficially for over a year now. You've always said hi to me, very respectfully, occasionally even saying 'hi beautiful'. And yes, I've always had a mild crush on you, but it was never anything serious.

And yes, Tuesday night was totally and completely awesome. I've never been so glad to have finally gotten the courage to talk to you. And I'm so glad you asked to walk me home after I did so poorly with Dominoes. Then you came in, and we just sat and talked forever. You made it clear over and over again how much you liked me and how you had asked basically everyone on our block about me.

It was so natural when you finally kissed me. And I couldn't get enough. We kissed and kissed for hours. It felt like being in high school, except I never spent hours kissing boys in high school because the boys in my high school hated me. Then, you were trying to get me to make plans to see you again and nothing was decided because I just couldn't stop kissing you.

You took my number. You asked about a good time to call.

I went to sleep with an enormous smile on my face.

I really haven't stopped thinking about you since.

And I'm already anticipating how everything will go wrong. I do not inspire strong feelings of love and attachment. I imagine your interest will wane quickly, like they always do and I will be left feeling empty and bereft and wondering again what is so very wrong with me.

Today's Title from: I'm Not That Girl by Idina Menzel

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue

Dear Oscar,

Happy Birthday! I'm sure you didn't expect me to remember, although I did warn you that I have a freaky weird memory.

It's another sort of anniversary today- we broke up 3 weeks ago. Yay! Cheers all around! When we first broke up, I was so happy! I felt so free! I loved it. I was glad you were gone and not fighting for me. I didn't know how long this unexpected bout of joy regarding our demise would last, so I relished in it as long as I could. Some days, I still feel that way. Nay, MOST days I still feel this way.

Some days, I miss you very much. I didn't expect to feel the searing pain that tears through me on these days. I didn't expect it's white hot grip on me. And I really didn't expect it to make me so bitter.

I'm at that place now, where I get antsy. I've been alone/celibate for a while now (remember, we hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks when we broke up, which means I haven't seen you in over a month) and this is the place in my life where I stupidly settle for dating imbeciles (such as yourself) because I'm tired of sleeping alone.

Its awesome isn't?

Well, rest assured, my unreliable one, that I will not be so stupid this time. You left me bitter and beaten enough to make me that much more aware of how much I don't want to date imbeciles anymore.

Thank you. Now go fuck yourself.


Today's Title from: Apologize by Timbaland with One Republic