The Virginity Monologues

My life has never been more man-less, than it is right now.

They are all gone. All of them.

Its liberating and its scary.

Its liberating for obvious reasons. I don’t spend any of my life fretting over whether or not a guy is going to call. I’m not worrying about calling too much/too little. I don’t have to analyze how long to wait before I give up ‘the goods’. Its pleasant, this freedom.

It also makes me wonder- the eternal question- what is it about me that is so repellant?

Seriously. I honest to God cannot figure it out.

Uglier women than me have boyfriends.

Women that are larger in size than me have boyfriends.

Bitchier women than me have boyfriends.

Women that are smarter than me have boyfriends.

Women that are not even remotely as smart as me have boyfriends.

And its not just me. I have a lot of friends, that I think are amazing, amazing women- who are all single. And it doesn’t make sense to me. Why are men not beating down these women’s doors? Why can’t they see what they are missing out on?

I absolutely, positively cannot figure it out.

I mean, I think I am pretty god-damn amazing.

I’m smart. And not just average smart. I’m honor student, photographic memory smart. I’m funny. I’m vivacious. I like to have a good time, as much as I like to just stay home and chill sometimes. I’m not needy/clingy- I LOVE my independence and my alone time. I get along well with almost everyone I meet and I’m not a liability in group events. I can mold seamlessly into a new group. I have a seriously above-average sex drive. Like, I’ve never, and I do mean NEVER, said no to sex with someone that I have been involved with. I always say yes. Plus I like to be dirty. I’m a great cook and I enjoy cooking for others. And I LOVE to buy boyfriends things, something that says- “I’ve been thinking about you.” And truthfully, if you earn my loyalty- I will do ANYTHING for you. Absolutely anything. To top it all off- I’ve got a great career that is going somewhere that I love.

Okay, yes- having spent 98% of my dating life completely alone has made me a little set in my ways, and yes, I’m probably selfish.

And yes, I tend to set my expectations too high.

And yes, I have a large ass (on the flip side, I also have ginormous boobs).

But I don’t think these things are enough to make me completely undate-able.

It makes… no sense.

And it’s embarrassing! To have to admit, that at 30, yes 30! (well, in a month), I’ve never had a relationship make it to 6 months. People immediately wonder- what’s wrong with you?

How do I tell them- I don’t know?

Today's Title from: So Tired of Being Alone by Al Green

I’m angry.

I’m angry with the people in my life who let me down during the last 2 weeks. Let’s get this straight- I had major surgery, with an incredibly difficult recovery. If you promised me you would come and visit me while I spent days and days laying on my couch wishing for death, then proceeded to barely even contact me during this time frame- YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.

There’s a couple of people. A Couple of people who I have previously DEFINITELY gone out of my way for. Birthdays. Treks out to their places in the wee hours of the morning. Dinners. What not. I am a DAMN GOOD FRIEND. And they completely dropped the ball during one of my BIGGEST times of need.

UGH.

Other than that- life is weird. When my doctor came out to talk to Karen after the surgery, she told Karen that she had taken a little more out of the right side to take care of my sleep apnea.

Wha?

Who knew I had sleep apnea? Not me!

So, maybe it’s because I got to sleep for 8 days straight. Or maybe its because I no longer have sleep apnea? But I feel different. I feel like I have 10,000 times more energy than before. Aside from the residual pain that ties me to painkillers every 3-4 hours, I feel the best that I’ve felt in a long, long time.

It’s weird.

And obviously, I am still not dating. And I’m loving the drama-freeness of my life.

Today's Title from: Friend is a 4 Letter Word by Cake

Well. I did it. I survived my tonsillectomy.

The morning of the surgery, I was okay. I was okay on the subway ride to the hospital, with Karen next to me. I was okay talking to the anesthesiologist. He even remarked on how chipper I was considering I was about to have surgery. I was okay talking to my doctor. The second I walked into the OR, I was NOT okay.

I was not okay when I laid down on the operating table, looking up at the big light above my head. I watched my blood pressure spike higher and higher as everyone moved methodically around me, covering me with a warming blanket, putting an IV in my arm, basically strapping me to the table. My hands started to shake and for the first time since I had scheduled the surgery, I wanted to bolt. I wanted to run out of there as fast as I could. I didn't want them cutting open my throat. I was SCARED.

Sooner than I expected, the room start to get fuzzy. I remember remarking that I was starting to feel funny to the anesthesiologist. I don't remember anything after that until he was waking me up, telling me that everything had gone really well. My first question was about my blood pressure. My second question was asking my doctor how big my tonsils had been.

"Enormous," was her reply.

They moved me to the Stage 1 recovery room. My mouth felt very, very, very weird. The stitches made it feel like I had something stuck in the back of my throat but it hurt to much to try and get it out. It was... uncomfortable. The nurse asked me how I felt.

"It hurts," I said.

She gave me some Tylenol with codeine and told me to go to sleep.

For 45 minutes I was in and out. Waking every time the blood pressure cuff tightened on my arm.

Finally I was awake. And I wanted WATER.

When she told me she couldn't give me any, I started to cry. I still had the IV in my arm and it hurt. The tylenol with codeine never completely dulled the pain and I had cotton mouth from breathing through my mouth. Everything felt out of control. And I wanted water.

She relented and gave me ice chips, which were actually perfect.

45 minutes later they moved me to Stage 2 recovery, where Karen could come and be with me. She helped me get dressed, she got me bottles of water and she orchestrated Email Boy picking me up with his car, and was in constant contact with my sister who was in the process of flying to New York.

An orderly wheeled me out and finally, finally- I was going home.

I could spend HOURS writing about the next 8 days. About the vomiting on Day 3 that nearly did me in. About the overwhelming sense that I would never feel better on Day 5. About the constant and unrelenting pain that was as bad as I imagined it would me. About how food became a burden, a necessity to stop the vomiting, but something that I absolutely hated having to deal with.

But really, all that matters, is that I'm getting much, much better. My first foray out of the house, I worried about passing out every single second until I was back on my couch. Today, I spent all morning with Spatch and even contemplated a very easy gym visit, which I nixed after a run for the A train seriously winded me.

I am eating. I don't wake up and want to die from the pain. I am still controlled by my pain meds, but I'm looking forward to weaning myself off them.

Monday, I go back to work and I'm ready.

Labels: tonsils

I’m overwhelmed with my life right now.

Last weekend was amazing. Absolutely amazing. I had the opportunity to attend a wedding that absolutely blew my mind. Being in the presence of love- real love- is a gift.

The reception was at a place called Rubalad that is absolutely impossible to describe. It’s a warehouse-y place, divided into various rooms. The decorations- insane. Large spider webs with a gigantic cardboard lipstick in the center. Fake vine strung all over the staircase. Mannequins with missing limbs, adorn a wall in the Dancing Room. A gigantic igloo is a place for couples to take care of some business. There are more things to look at than I will ever have time for.

I drink champagne heartily. I dance with my friends. I laugh as Ames uses a broken off mannequin arm to grab everyone’s asses. I spy on the couples getting it on the bathroom. I make out with everyone. And I do mean EVERYONE. I swim in happiness.

When the car service picks me up at midnight…. I feel complete.

And now, I’m waking up at 5 am every night, trying to remember everything I need to get done before 7 am tomorrow morning, when I check in at the hospital. This morning it was an ice pack and a game for the Playstation that my sister is bringing for me that roused me from my sleep.

I’m buried in budget spreadsheets at work, and I’m trying to coordinate Karen at the hospital with me, Email Boy picking me up from the hospital, and my sister flying in tomorrow. And in the meantime, I’m trying not to let the fear get the best of me.

Because I am scared. But everytime it gets too bad, I just pick up my BRAND NEW 80 gb iPod and look at the back, where I had it engraved with "More Cowbell" and I smile smugly to myself because I am the coolest girl EVER.

So everyone say GOODBYE to my tonsils and don’t be upset when you don’t hear from me for a few days, while I spend most of my time sleeping to escape the pain.

Today's Title from: The Good Life by Kanye West and T-Pain

Labels: tonsils

On Wednesday, at Grand Central station, as I said goodbye to my father, tears streamed down my face. I wasn’t upset at the idea of parting from him. I was crying for what I will never have and what he will never be. I was crying because at almost 30, my father can still tear me apart with his selfishness and indifference.

My stepmom hugged me and told me how glad she was to see me and how wonderful she thinks I am and how fabulous my new Calvin Klein dress looked on me (Marshalls, only $60 and it fits like it was made specifically for me) and as she picked up her bags she laughed about how they were off to fix her brother’s love life.

“Its too bad,” she said, “we can’t stay longer and fix yours.”

I laughed caustically through my tears.

“Its unfixable,” I said.

“Well, and it really has to be fixed within you,” was her reply.

And yes, it was cheesy and so totally typical for my stepmom. But it resonated with me.

I thought about it. I thought about it some more. I thought about all the shit I’ve been through in the last year. All the bad decisions I’ve made and all the really horrible men that have crossed my path.

Then, last night, I got another bright, shining example of how awful men are. And I felt something inside me die. I’m losing my optimism, my hope. I am starting to doubt myself and my worth. I am becoming cynical and jaded.

I am becoming something I never wanted to be.

So, its time. Its time for a break. Its time to stop trying. To stop being open. I’m removing myself from the dating scene for an undetermined amount of time.

I’m done getting hurt. I’m done playing the fool.

I don’t believe anymore.

And until I can stop allowing other people to affect my self-worth, I can’t let them into my life at all.

Today's Title from: Tears and Rain by James Blunt

Sorry! I’m sorry! I’ve been a horrible slacker lately. I know!

But my dad has been in town, and its been a whirlwind of Making Me Feel Like I’m Doing Nothing With My Life. Not to mention, the Oh-So-Fun constant barrage of questions from friends/family that never fail to give me the warm fuzzies.

“Don’t you want to have kids?”

“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”

“What about a committed relationship? Are you opposed to those?”

And I do a very good job of just shrugging my shoulders and saying I don’t have clear ideas about what the future holds for me. When all I really want to do is scream at them and say-

“OF COURSE I want a long-term committed relationship! You think I ENJOY making my sister come clear across the country to take care of me after my tonsillectomy because I have no one else who can? You think asking my best friend to take time off work to pick me up from the hospital doesn’t make me feel awful? I HATE sleeping alone every night. I hate never having someone to hold my hand! I hate that I am so unbearably lonely sometimes that my Evil Ex-boyfriend looks like a more attractive alternative!”

Luckily, by the end of day today, my dad and all of his criticisms will be gone and I can go back to being content with my Unplanned Life. My life where no one throws my worst fears in my face on an hourly basis and would rather go back to his hotel to take a nap than spend an afternoon with me. Yeah, thanks for that. Always nice to know where I am on YOUR List of Priorities.

Today's Title from: I'm Not That Girl by Idina Menzel

Labels: dad