Friday, November 09, 2007
How I wish I could surrender my soul
On Wednesday, at Grand Central station, as I said goodbye to my father, tears streamed down my face. I wasn’t upset at the idea of parting from him. I was crying for what I will never have and what he will never be. I was crying because at almost 30, my father can still tear me apart with his selfishness and indifference.
My stepmom hugged me and told me how glad she was to see me and how wonderful she thinks I am and how fabulous my new Calvin Klein dress looked on me (Marshalls, only $60 and it fits like it was made specifically for me) and as she picked up her bags she laughed about how they were off to fix her brother’s love life.
“Its too bad,” she said, “we can’t stay longer and fix yours.”
I laughed caustically through my tears.
“Its unfixable,” I said.
“Well, and it really has to be fixed within you,” was her reply.
And yes, it was cheesy and so totally typical for my stepmom. But it resonated with me.
I thought about it. I thought about it some more. I thought about all the shit I’ve been through in the last year. All the bad decisions I’ve made and all the really horrible men that have crossed my path.
Then, last night, I got another bright, shining example of how awful men are. And I felt something inside me die. I’m losing my optimism, my hope. I am starting to doubt myself and my worth. I am becoming cynical and jaded.
I am becoming something I never wanted to be.
So, its time. Its time for a break. Its time to stop trying. To stop being open. I’m removing myself from the dating scene for an undetermined amount of time.
I’m done getting hurt. I’m done playing the fool.
I don’t believe anymore.
And until I can stop allowing other people to affect my self-worth, I can’t let them into my life at all.
Today's Title from: Tears and Rain by James Blunt
My stepmom hugged me and told me how glad she was to see me and how wonderful she thinks I am and how fabulous my new Calvin Klein dress looked on me (Marshalls, only $60 and it fits like it was made specifically for me) and as she picked up her bags she laughed about how they were off to fix her brother’s love life.
“Its too bad,” she said, “we can’t stay longer and fix yours.”
I laughed caustically through my tears.
“Its unfixable,” I said.
“Well, and it really has to be fixed within you,” was her reply.
And yes, it was cheesy and so totally typical for my stepmom. But it resonated with me.
I thought about it. I thought about it some more. I thought about all the shit I’ve been through in the last year. All the bad decisions I’ve made and all the really horrible men that have crossed my path.
Then, last night, I got another bright, shining example of how awful men are. And I felt something inside me die. I’m losing my optimism, my hope. I am starting to doubt myself and my worth. I am becoming cynical and jaded.
I am becoming something I never wanted to be.
So, its time. Its time for a break. Its time to stop trying. To stop being open. I’m removing myself from the dating scene for an undetermined amount of time.
I’m done getting hurt. I’m done playing the fool.
I don’t believe anymore.
And until I can stop allowing other people to affect my self-worth, I can’t let them into my life at all.
Today's Title from: Tears and Rain by James Blunt
