Sunday, October 07, 2007
Kiss and Run
My Tuesday night boy did a Kiss and Run that has left me completely befuddled. I haven't experienced such blatant interest from someone in a long time, and to completely never hear from him again has left me scratching my head.
The worst part is- I've held him on a pedestal for ages. Years even. He was always, the 'nice, respectable guy' who never made me feel creeped out by leering. Part of the reason I didn't talk to him for a long time was because I didn't want to find out he was just like everyone else. I wanted to keep him in my mind as a Nice Guy.
Disappointment is not a stranger to me, but last night as the tears tracked down my cheeks, I felt something inside me snap. I wanted to punch and hit and kick and yell at the heavens for their blatant hatred towards me. I wanted to stop feeling like I'm being punished by God for turning my back on the religion I was raised in.
I wanted something to work out, for once. I wanted someone to see past my outside and recognize me for the caring and compassionate person I am inside. I wanted someone to want something more from me than sex.
It was probably the best thing in the world for me, that I woke up Saturday morning to meet some friends for paintball. It was a long, incredibly hot day. I spent hours upon hours with Email Boy and his friends, hunkering down in the dirt, laughing as I nailed people and bemoaning the pain from being shot myself. It was an awesome, awesome day. I dripped with sweat in my mask and camo jumpsuit. I was a miserable shot and an easy target. But the comraderie was fabulous and the laughter and ease was never-ending.
Email Boy watched over me. Filling me with more love for another human being than I thought possible. Later at dinner, him, Karen and I laughed until we cried over nothing in particular. And as he dropped me off, I felt validated by our relationship.
And I know I have it good. I have an amazing, amazing life. And I will never have to be alone.
But it doesn't stop me from feeling painfully and desperately alone.
The worst part is- I've held him on a pedestal for ages. Years even. He was always, the 'nice, respectable guy' who never made me feel creeped out by leering. Part of the reason I didn't talk to him for a long time was because I didn't want to find out he was just like everyone else. I wanted to keep him in my mind as a Nice Guy.
Disappointment is not a stranger to me, but last night as the tears tracked down my cheeks, I felt something inside me snap. I wanted to punch and hit and kick and yell at the heavens for their blatant hatred towards me. I wanted to stop feeling like I'm being punished by God for turning my back on the religion I was raised in.
I wanted something to work out, for once. I wanted someone to see past my outside and recognize me for the caring and compassionate person I am inside. I wanted someone to want something more from me than sex.
It was probably the best thing in the world for me, that I woke up Saturday morning to meet some friends for paintball. It was a long, incredibly hot day. I spent hours upon hours with Email Boy and his friends, hunkering down in the dirt, laughing as I nailed people and bemoaning the pain from being shot myself. It was an awesome, awesome day. I dripped with sweat in my mask and camo jumpsuit. I was a miserable shot and an easy target. But the comraderie was fabulous and the laughter and ease was never-ending.
Email Boy watched over me. Filling me with more love for another human being than I thought possible. Later at dinner, him, Karen and I laughed until we cried over nothing in particular. And as he dropped me off, I felt validated by our relationship.
And I know I have it good. I have an amazing, amazing life. And I will never have to be alone.
But it doesn't stop me from feeling painfully and desperately alone.
