The Virginity Monologues

So, I have not actually broken the bad news to Oscar yet, that I will not be accepting his kind offer to rekindle our flame, so really, all y'all should hold off on your praise until I have actually made it through that conversation still holding true to my decision. Although, I did have a phenomenal session with my therapist today that definitely helped to steel my resolve.

Can I tell you, though, that I have the world's greatest friends? This weekend, my old roommate and one of the most important people in the world to me, Abby, came into town and I spent every single second that I could with her. We shopped, we went to eat at all of her favorite restaurants, we walked around the city, reminiscing about all the crazy shit we used to do. And somewhere in there, I managed to go on the most perfect bike ride in history with my BFF, Karen. Although, my lungs weren't QUITE up to the challenge of the uphill parts of the Brooklyn Bridge. But getting to yell at all the tourists to get out of the bike lane? TOTALLY made up for it.

Honestly. I'm sort of ridiculously content. Other than my frustration with my physical state (seriously how long does it take for these fucking clots to go away?), I'm just so damn pleased with My Year of Me and how it's progressing. I'm ecstatic that I'm managing to resist the pull to try things with Oscar again and not just because I know its not the right thing, but because I genuinely don't want to. Out of my hormone-induced crying jag of last week, I can't think of anything worse than another sleepless, anxiety filled night waiting for that motherfucker to call. I'd rather be alone, and I really genuinely mean that. I'm at a bit of a plateau with the weight loss, but mostly because I lost my motivation for a few weeks there, and I'm pleased to announce that the motivation is back! I can't wait to lose the NEXT 30 lbs.

So, I apologize. I teased y'all with some good juicy drama, but chances are, it'll very shortly go back to my insanely boring life where all I talk about is The Gym and the new Boca product that I discovered that I'm in love with (chik'n patties! How good are they?!?!).

Today's title from: Better in Time by Leona Lewis

Labels: Oscar

I've made my decision. It wasn't easy and it's involved a lot of crying on my part at the most random and inopportune times. Like in the shower this morning.

But, yesterday at worked while I debated the pros and cons, I remembered The Crazy Days. The days when my feelings for you and your apathy towards me sent me spiraling into a place of uncontrollable emotions. I look back on those 3-4 days last August, when I cried practically non-stop because all I wanted was for you to return my fucking call, and cringe. How did I let myself get to that place? How can I ever put myself in a position where I could be there again???

I mean, fuck, you are THE REASON I went to therapy. I wanted to make sure I was strong enough in my myself to never allow myself to stay together with someone who doesn't want to be with me as much as I want to be with them.

Its not that I don't love you. Because I do. Irrationally, ridiculously so. And making the decision NOT to try things with you again is tearing me apart. I love it that you remember the color of the sheets on my bed and exactly how I'm going to react in almost any situation. You know all the little things, the trivial details that make me who I am. And you STILL want to be with me. But, I know where this is going to go. I know exactly how much effort you aren't going to put into this. It wasn't enough for me the first time. It wasn't enough for me the second time. And you haven't changed enough in the last 6 months for it be enough the third time.

You COULD be The One. You have the potential. But you're not willing to put in the effort required to find out. And I deserve better. I have to believe there is someone out there, who wants to fall in love with me, who wants me to become a major part of his life. We both know, that's not you.

Today's Title from: The Hat by Ingrid Michaelson

Labels: Oscar

You looked different.  You cut all your hair off. I almost didn't recognize you when you walked in with your sunglasses on and looking so dashing in your suit.

Labels: Oscar

Yesterday was a shitty ass day. One of those days where nothing goes right, ya know?

2 hours at the doctor's office, just to test my coumadin levels (should take 15 min MAX), when I had piles of work waiting for me back at my desk. That I didn't get to, because I had to spend my entire afternoon cleaning up someone's else major fucking mess.

So, the pile on my desk? Went home with me. And having been banned from the gym by my dr, following a minor setback on Sunday involving chest pains, I went directly home after work. And exercised the right to use my weight watchers flex points (which I NEVER use) and ordered myself a hamburger while I finished up my piles of work.

I was starting to feel better about life in general, and opted to continue the process of putting my room back together, since it has been in plastic bags for over a month now (the bed bugs JUST might be gone, praise allah). I turned up the music, and set to it.

Around 10, my phone rang. A restricted number. I HATE restricted numbers. I generally don't answer them (if you can't show me who you are, then you don't get to talk to me). But then I always spend hours agonzing over who it was. Anyway. I didn't answer. I wasn't in the mood to deal with whatever was on the other end of a blocked call.

2 minutes later, my phone rang again. This time- unblocked.

And I couldn't have been more surprised to see that it was....... Oscar.

WTF?

He didn't seem to have a reason for calling. He just wanted to chat and find out how life was. We talked for almost 2 hours. At the end of the call, he asked if he could see me. I agreed to meet in a public place.

Its just so nutty. His timing. I've FINALLY gotten to that place where he doesn't have a hold on me anymore. I could have never heard from him again and been totally fine. I don't think about calling or texting him anymore. Sure, I still have fantasies about running into him, looking absolutely fabulous, but at the end of those fantasies, I don't end up getting back together with him.

Why now? Why contact me at all?

Here's hoping he doesn't get around to making actual plans.

Today's Title from: Viva la Vida by Coldplay

Labels: Oscar

I still miss you. Isn't that ridiculous? Its been 7 months since we last saw each other and 5 months since our last communication. And yet, lately its been fresh and raw all over again. The 1 step forward, 2 steps back rule has never come to life quite so much for me before you. My fingers itch to text you. The only thing that stops me is imagining how thoroughly you have probably moved on and that I can't imagine that you still even think of me.

Maybe its that I've shut myself off to other men since The End of Us. And I have no one else to think about. Maybe its that you're one of the very few men with whom I've had a physical and emotional relationship with. Maybe its that after 8 months, your touch still had the ability to make me absolutely sizzle. Maybe its that no one has even come close to capturing my heart since you. Maybe its that you were the first man in my life to fight for me over and over again.
Maybe its that I loved you.

Please. Please leave me forever. Let me finally find some peace.

Today's Title from: Everything We had by The Academy Is

Labels: Oscar

Dear Oscar,

I can’t remember the last time you didn’t have a hold over me. I don’t remember what its like not to ache for you. Not to miss you. You are my continual bruise, occasionally I just run my fingers over you, marveling over the depth of the injury, and sometimes I poke and prod, examining the layers of pain hiding underneath the surface.

Lately, I’ve been noticing that you, and please don’t be upset, but you’ve been fading. Its been an interesting journey, and there were moments when I wasn’t sure that I would ever feel whole again. Melodramatic, yes, I know, but it’s the god’s honest truth. I can listen to that song, the one that reminds me of you, without the accompanying searing pain in my chest. I pine for you only when I’ve been drinking heavily and that’s because I pine when I’m drunk, and you’re the easiest thing to pine for. There’s no more tears. Every day it gets easier and easier to NOT dial your number. There’s only a residual ache and a fondness for your face and that crook in your neck.

I hope you’re happy. I hope you find it within yourself to become the man I know you want to be.

Love,
Chloe

Today's Title from: So Long by Guster

Labels: Oscar

I think about you often these days. It makes sense, I mean, we talk about you and our dysfunction in therapy frequently. Even on my best days- you are the subject that always makes me break down. And it takes me by surprise every time. Especially the first time, when she asked about my most recent relationship. All I said was your name. I immediately felt as if someone had poured a bucket of pain all over me and pretty soon, I was sobbing.

I don’t know why it STILL hurts so much. Was it that you cared so little? Or that I cared so much.

You are never far from my thoughts. Even at times when there’s no way I should be thinking of you. Like Saturday night, when Nicole and I met up with some boys that she knows at that ‘club’ in Queens. It reminded me of the night of one of your boys’ bachelor party, when you were texting me all night, then came to get me on your way home, even though it was 5 am. And here I was, at this ‘club’, being hit on by 2 of the hottest men I have seen in a long time, and I’m wishing I’m with you instead.

To the point that I almost called you as I poured myself into bed around 5 am. Luckily, Nicole called to have a heart to heart about our friendship and by the time we hung up, I was so tired, I could barely form coherent sentences. I fell asleep thinking of my favorite things about you, not the unbearably hot man that had taken my number earlier. I thought of the laugh lines around your mouth. Your funny walk. The crook of your neck. I thought about how tightly you would hold me in the mornings. And how you always, always called me on my bullshit.

Hope is the theme for my life these days. Learning to let it back in. Not to let my cynicism become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I hope that someday, I will be over you.

Today's Title from: Nightswimming by REM

Labels: Oscar

I just heard from you. For the first time in 3 weeks. For the first time since that awful phone conversation when I tried to end things with you and you wouldn’t discuss it. I tried calling a few times to make sure you were okay, since I hadn’t known what you were dealing with at the time and I certainly would have done things differently if I had.

I sent you a text a week ago. I apologized for how things went down and told you that I wanted you to know how much I loved you. This was my closure.

But, I guess you needed yours too. Which is why I got the text from you today.

I wish I would have known, the last time I saw you, that it was going to be the last time I was going to see you. I wouldn’t have had that ridiculous argument with you. I would have held you tighter. I would have taken more time to memorize the way you smell and the way it felt to have my face buried in the crook of your neck. I wouldn’t have pulled away so quickly the next morning because I had to leave for work. I would have told you all the things that I think are great about you.

I would have linked my fingers through yours and made sure that no matter what- you knew that I loved you.

Today's title from: Something I Can Never Have by Nine Inch Nails

Labels: Oscar

IM Conversation:

Cam: Can I take you out for your birthday?
Me: Um. Honestly. I don’t think so.
Cam: Okay?
Me: I’m in a really complicated place right now.
Cam: Elaborate.
Me: I’m in the middle of ending something really terrible and beginning something really amazing.
Cam: What are you talking about?
Me: Relationships.
Me: I mean, nothing has been said about commitment or exclusivity or anything like that, but I’ve met someone who for the first time in a long time really SEES me and adores me for who I really am. I have to give this as fair of a chance as possible. And hooking up with exes doesn’t fall into the category of Giving This a Fair Chance.


Phone Conversation:

Me: So, I don’t know if that actually needs to be said or not since we barely speak anymore and I haven’t seen you in a month, and we had that enormous fight last Friday when you admitted that you’ve been seeing someone else the entire time we’ve been together and it hurt so badly if felt like someone had punched me in the gut, but… I’m done. This is over.

Silence on the other end.

Me: You don’t have anything to say?
Oscar: No. No disrespect to you, but I can’t deal with this today. I’m not talking about this.

More silence.

Me: Okay, fine. But this is it, I’m done.
Oscar: I’m not talking about this.

And it may not be over in his mind- but it is officially completely over in mine.

And I officially feel 30. And it feels great. It feels great to not make the same mistakes over and over again. It feels good to be an adult and to recognize that filling the empty spaces in my life with the Less Than Deserving- isn’t worth it.

Today's Title from: Glass by Ingrid Michaelson

Labels: Cam, Oscar

I went to sleep last night deliriously happy. Yesterday was the perfect day.

I found the perfect new top for our company holiday party.

My roommate/BFF and I got ourselves a Christmas tree and decorated it while watching White Christmas and eating overly frosted sugar cookies and drinking egg nog and mulled apple cider. It was a deliciously Christmas-y evening.

Plus, all day long, I continually ran over the phone conversation in my head that had taken place at 4 am, the previous night.

Having walked in my door at 3:45 and semi-upset over instances that had just taken place, I wanted to talk to Oscar. And since he is the KING of calling me at odd hours of the night to talk, I figured I was well within my rights to call HIM in the wee hours of the morning. And I have to admit, I was also decidedly curious as to what would happen when I call him at 4 am on a Saturday night.

I was delighted beyond belief when he answered groggily. He was home. Asleep. ALONE.

We chatted for a few minutes, but he was tired enough that conversation was difficult. I apologized for having woken him.

“Don’t worry ‘bout a thing, babygirl,” he said, “you can call me ANYTIME you want.”

“Really?” I replied incredulously.

“Really.”

This morning, as my train ride to midtown was taking MUCH longer than it should have and I groaned inwardly as my express train moved to the local track, I felt this was a sign that my day was not going to go well.

I was right.

In a stunning last minute announcement, our company was doing lay-offs. One of my closest work friends was not spared. Right before Christmas. I am sad and disheartened and feeling horribly about myself because I’m relieved that it wasn’t me.

Today's Title from: Cold Water by Damien Rice

Labels: Oscar

All you have to do is look at me to see that I’ve been having a lot of sleepless nights. The bags under my eyes are dark and prominent. Every blemish on my face lit by a neon light. All the makeup and concealer in the world can’t fix this degree of ugly.

It was all worth it though for the night I had last night.

“What time to you have to leave for work? 8:00?” Oscar asked me this morning.

I nodded.

“What time is it now?”

“7:45,” I said.

“Good, I can have you just a little bit longer,” he said as he pulled the covers up tighter and pulled me in closer.

I buried my face in his neck and giggled about the last 12 hours.

In the car on the way to his place, I impressed him with my knowledge of Jay-Z lyrics. He sang smooth jazz to me. Once back at his place, he showed me all of his new toys, asked for some decoration help and made me dinner, then let me eat all of his sweet potato pie. We talked about his friends- about how all of them adore me and have asked about me. We talked about our future together- which he apparently thinks will be a very long time.

We laughed a lot.

There are moments when we seem perfectly suited for each other. Over the phone, he can always call me on any facial expression I would be exhibiting at any given time. He gets my humor, even when he doesn’t think its as funny as I do. He calls me on my bullshit and takes it in good stride when I call him on his.

And I’m conflicted.

I’ll admit- I WANT to be with him. When I’m with him- he’s everything I want. I also can admit that all relationships are a two way street and a lot of our problems were just as much my fault as they were his. Having never really been in a committed relationship before, there’s a lot of new ground that I was learning- the hard way. I know I’m terrible in relationships.

And despite all of our problem areas- I know that underneath it all- he’s a good person, with a good heart.

But the problem areas are there. There’s things about us that couldn’t be any more different, and these things manifest themselves in our relationship styles. And both of us don’t want to need the other person, but want the other person to need us, which doesn’t really work well, as you can imagine.

Ugh. I don't know what to do.

Today's Title from: Delicate by Damien Rice

Labels: Oscar

Dear Z100 Morning Show Part 2-

I blame YOU for the events that took place last night. Well you and the gallons of wine that I consumed at that wine tasting. That god-damn song was running through my head all fucking day. All day, I was thinking about him and all the good things that I miss about him.

So much so, that when he called last night, it felt like fate. And when he found parking a very short distance from my front door, it felt like fate reassuring me.

And when he folded me in his arms, it felt like coming home. And our fingers entwined and remained that way for the rest of the evening, no matter what we were doing. Talking. Kissing. Sleeping. I couldn't get close enough. I couldn't smell enough. I couldn't taste enough. I wanted to cram 2 months of missing into one night.

I cried when he told me how much I'd hurt him. I cried at my front door this morning when he kissed me and said, "Bye baby," just like always.

Hell, I'm even crying now. But that's because I only got 2 hours of sleep and I'm extra-emotional. And they were 2 hours of sleeping in the arms of the man that has an inexplicable hold on my heart, the man that I ache for, more than anyone else.

I don't know where we're going to go from here. Things are still very much undecided, and I absolutely refuse to get back on the Crazy Train.

But, damn, do I want this man in my life. Despite every misgiving that I have.

And I blame you, Z100. For playing that fucking song.

In A Wee Bit of Turmoil-
Chloe

Today's Title from: Call and Answer by Barenaked Ladies

Labels: Oscar

Dear Z100 Morning Show-

I listen to you every morning while I'm getting ready. You're all very funny and entertaining. But please, from the bottom of my heart I beg you, stop playing T-Pain's Buy U a Drank. It's run its course, it's at least 6 months old as this point. STOP TORTURING ME.

Why does this song torture me? Because, my lovelies, this song was just getting heavy rotation right as I was beginning a relationship. And it was wonderful. I was getting butterflies and he was so attentive and fabulous and really great in bed. And he loved this song and he sang it to me all the time and we listened to it in the car constantly.

And its over now. And its still raw and it still hurts. And everytime I hear this song, I am back in that first month when I couldn't have been happier to have this man in my life. Before he destroyed me with his ambivalence and apathy. And this song is like a very sharp dagger, taking its aim directly at my heart.

So, please. Give T-Pain a rest?

My sincerest thanks-
Chloe

Today's Title from: Get By by Talib Kweli

Labels: Oscar

Dear Oscar,

Happy Birthday! I'm sure you didn't expect me to remember, although I did warn you that I have a freaky weird memory.

It's another sort of anniversary today- we broke up 3 weeks ago. Yay! Cheers all around! When we first broke up, I was so happy! I felt so free! I loved it. I was glad you were gone and not fighting for me. I didn't know how long this unexpected bout of joy regarding our demise would last, so I relished in it as long as I could. Some days, I still feel that way. Nay, MOST days I still feel this way.

Some days, I miss you very much. I didn't expect to feel the searing pain that tears through me on these days. I didn't expect it's white hot grip on me. And I really didn't expect it to make me so bitter.

I'm at that place now, where I get antsy. I've been alone/celibate for a while now (remember, we hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks when we broke up, which means I haven't seen you in over a month) and this is the place in my life where I stupidly settle for dating imbeciles (such as yourself) because I'm tired of sleeping alone.

Its awesome isn't?

Well, rest assured, my unreliable one, that I will not be so stupid this time. You left me bitter and beaten enough to make me that much more aware of how much I don't want to date imbeciles anymore.

Thank you. Now go fuck yourself.

Sincerely-
Chloe

Today's Title from: Apologize by Timbaland with One Republic

Labels: Oscar

To say that I had a great weekend would be grossly understating how much fun I really did have.

Friday night:

I met Ana at her office and the 2 of us headed up to Yankee Stadium to meet her boyfriend and another friend, DreamyE. It was Ana's first baseball game and it was such a joy to see it through her eyes- to answer all of her questions and to laugh at her confusion. We ate hot dogs. We drank beer. We hollered at the vendors. It was a perfect night. Marred only by the fact that we left early in what would be a 14 inning game.

After the game, Banana went home and DreamyE went with me to meet up with my friend, Michelle for a night of boozing. We started in the West Village, which was a bit of a bust, then made our way to Fat Baby in the Lower East Side, where the night got interesting. As we were dancing downstairs, I made some significant eye contact with a cute boy. By the end of the night, we had done some pretty hot making out, and a digit exchange. (We have since made plans to go out on Wednesday.)

Saturday:

There is a guy who lives in my building and I see often on the street, who we shall call The Pharmacist (some of you may get that, some of you may not. If you're terribly confused, email me and I'll explain it). We have a mild flirtation going on, as he pretty blatantly hits on me almost every time he sees me. He's OUTRAGEOUSLY hot and has maybe the most amazing body I've ever seen, but I keep my distance, despite his persistence, as I disagree with some of his life choices.

So, Saturday afternoon, I had just stepped out of my elevator and was checking my mail. With my head bent over the mailboxes, I wasn't paying much attention to anything else around me. I felt a hand, wrap around my waist, and a set of lips press against the back of my neck (my hair was in braids, so the back of my neck was particularly exposed) and a shot of electricity spread all the way down to my toes, as I whipped around to see The Pharmacist disappearing into the elevator.

Holy smokes that was hot.

I made my way down to the West Village to meet Spatch in a daze. Unable to focus on anything in my head but those lips. And my neck. Rowr.

Spatch and I pamper ourselves with a manicure/pedicure before we are off to meet my friend, Dan and his friend, Jack, who expressed an interest in Spatch after we ran into them last week. Since it was a bit of a blind-date set up, Spatch and I chose tapas for dinner as its a great group meal. Email Boy was also set to join us as he is very good friends with Dan.

Dinner was perfection. We laughed. Spatch regaled us with Burning Man and other fascinating stories. Spatch and I ordered round after round of food and the boys ate it with gusto. The conversation flowed seamlessly and seemed to touch on almost every topic imaginable. Dan (who I've had a MAJOR crush on for about 2 years now) and I fed each other and were definitely the comic relief/dirtiest people at the table. Just thinking about it brings the biggest, most ridiculous smile to my face.

After dinner, Email Boy had to leave us to go meet some other friends, and the remaining 4 of us made our way to Max Brenner's Chocolate by the Bald Man for dessert, where the comraderie continued. After dessert, we all parted ways. Filled and happy.

Saturday night/Sunday morning:

I hit a stumbling block. I woke up at 4 am. And out of nowhere, I ached for Oscar. I missed him something awful. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to see him. I just wanted to hear his voice.

I blocked my number and I called. Hoping to just hear his voicemail.

Imagine my surprise when he picked up. Imagine his surprise that I then hung up. I don't know if he knew it was me, but he didn't call back. And hasn't called since last Thursday.

Probably for the best.

Sunday:

I met Spatch in Madison Square Park. Interestingly enough, as I called her and was on my way there, she was also on her way there. How convenient. I stood in line at the Shake Shack while I waited for her. When she arrived, the first thing I did was lay my head on her shoulder and cry. Cry for the ridiculous boy, who doesn't deserve my tears, who I ached for. We filled ourselves up with burgers, fries and shakes, before heading down to Battery Park so Spatch could catch some sun, and I could be soothed by the water before meeting some friends for drinks.

The rest of the night passed quickly, food, drinks and a film festival. I went home exhausted. So, so content.

And this time, the smile reached all the way down to my toes.

Today's title from: Drivin' Me Wild by Common (a.k.a. My Future Husband)

Labels: Ana, Oscar, Spatch, The Pharmacist

Yesterday, just I finished writing my post about how deliriously happy I am being single, my work phone rang.

Oscar.

In a complete daze, I watched the phone ring. Wondering why he was calling. Curious if he would leave a message.

The phone stopped ringing.

My cell phone sat right next to my work phone. It started ringing.

Oscar.

Again, I just sat and watched it ring. Confused. My hands shaking.

My work phone started ringing again.

Oscar.

Worrying that something was terribly wrong, I started to reach for the phone to pick it up. Just as my hand touched the receiver the phone stopped ringing.

3 phone calls. No messages.

I would have been willing to bet my life on never hearing from him again. Considering that I ended the relationship with a text message, I figured that bridge was burned irrevocably.

Weird. Very weird.

Today's Title from: The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore by James Morrison

Labels: Oscar

Put it on your calendars, kids, my tonsillectomy is scheduled for November 14th. It probably should be done sooner, but I've got a conference in mid-October to plan around and my dad is coming into town early November, plus there's the 3 week recovery time to factor in. My Thanksgiving is probably going to be shot, but I just eat lots of mashed potatoes and call it good, I suppose.

The end of Oscar has been as anti-climactic as our relationship (out of bed, that is. In bed it was plenty climactic). The first day was hard-ish. My only real breakdown was when the return text from him came- that was suprisingly kind and gracious. But every minute since then has been easier, probably because I've been killing my feelings for him for weeks now. There's nothing left anymore.

And being footloose and fancy free apparently agrees with me. Last night, as I made my way from work to the animal shelter that I volunteer at in East Harlem, then over to a friends house afterwards- it was a virtual parade of men hitting on me. It has never happened with the frequency and intensity that it did last night. My head was spinning. One particular guy was incredibly persistent about getting my number, and it took some time to get him to acquiese to just giving me his number (always what I do when men are persistent on the street. Best way to avoid stalkers).

Then, I slept through the night. For the first time in ages. I didn't wake up at 3 am cursing Oscar for promising to call and not following through. I didn't wake up at 4 trying to figure out the most efficient/least painful way to end the relationship. And I didn't wake up at 5, achingly sad for what will never be.

And that is the best feeling of all.

Today's Title from: I am Somebody by Jurassic 5

Labels: Oscar, tonsils

I am officially alone. Again.

There was a phone call last night. It didn't go well. When I offered to come over tonight to talk about things he told me he didn't want to see me if there was going to be any drama. And then when I promised no drama (I lied), he said, "Well, I'm not sure. I'll let you know."

Can you say asshole?

So I sent him a text today, wanting this to be over and not caring how I did it. He no longers deserve any special courtesies.

Goodbye Oscar.

Hello very sad sex life.

Today's Title from: Kissing a Fool by George Michael

Labels: Oscar

Coming off of a truly great weekend, one of the best I've had in ages, it makes me angry that the unresolved issues with Oscar are still nagging at me and keeping tears close at hand at all times.

On Friday night, Karen and I went to a concert together. It was loud, it was offensive and it was hilarious. We made our way home that night with ringing ears and gigantic smiles on our faces.

Saturday was my day to spend some time completely by myself. I've had a hard time enjoying only me time lately, as the issues with Oscar are never far from my thoughts and in the time when I'm not busily surrounded by people and noise, contemplating his apathy has been painful for me. I haven't wanted to be alone, to be in a situation where I can't distract myself from my head.

But Saturday, I was ecstatic to just wander the city all by myself- window shopping and being more and more sure that I was going to be okay- completely alone. I was sure of it for the first time in months.

Later I met up with Spatch at her new apartment. We made cookies and drank wine and basked in catching up. Later I convinced her to have dinner at my favorite Indian restaurant in the East Village, even though we ate almost nothing, having filled ourselves ridiculously full with chocolate chip cookie dough earlier.

In a complete food coma, we made our way to the west side of Manhattan for an anniversary party for Spatch's friends Dicey and PJ. I love parties that Spatch takes me to. The people are also so very, very interesting and I invariably always get hit on. Some offers are tempting, others are not. Not to mention, the people are always incredibly friendly. They ask questions that they genuinely want to know the answer to. I generally don't want to leave.

This morning Karen and I headed up to the Bronx to go to church and lunch with a friend for her birthday. It was a perfect day. It was nice to be in church again. Its been a long time for me. And lunch with her family was wonderful and perfect and the waffles at Amy Ruth's were to die for.

Its been the perfect weekend. Perfect friends. Perfect parties. The weather has been a little too hot for my taste, but I'm not complaining.

But all weekend the perfection was marred. Marred by a pending break-up that I don't really want to do. I don't really want him out of my life. But the good times are not worth the bad times. I have to be strong enough to do this.

Today's Title from: Stronger by Kanye West

Labels: Oscar, Spatch