Thursday, December 06, 2007
It's not that we're scared, It's just that it's delicate
All you have to do is look at me to see that I’ve been having a lot of sleepless nights. The bags under my eyes are dark and prominent. Every blemish on my face lit by a neon light. All the makeup and concealer in the world can’t fix this degree of ugly.
It was all worth it though for the night I had last night.
“What time to you have to leave for work? 8:00?” Oscar asked me this morning.
I nodded.
“What time is it now?”
“7:45,” I said.
“Good, I can have you just a little bit longer,” he said as he pulled the covers up tighter and pulled me in closer.
I buried my face in his neck and giggled about the last 12 hours.
In the car on the way to his place, I impressed him with my knowledge of Jay-Z lyrics. He sang smooth jazz to me. Once back at his place, he showed me all of his new toys, asked for some decoration help and made me dinner, then let me eat all of his sweet potato pie. We talked about his friends- about how all of them adore me and have asked about me. We talked about our future together- which he apparently thinks will be a very long time.
We laughed a lot.
There are moments when we seem perfectly suited for each other. Over the phone, he can always call me on any facial expression I would be exhibiting at any given time. He gets my humor, even when he doesn’t think its as funny as I do. He calls me on my bullshit and takes it in good stride when I call him on his.
And I’m conflicted.
I’ll admit- I WANT to be with him. When I’m with him- he’s everything I want. I also can admit that all relationships are a two way street and a lot of our problems were just as much my fault as they were his. Having never really been in a committed relationship before, there’s a lot of new ground that I was learning- the hard way. I know I’m terrible in relationships.
And despite all of our problem areas- I know that underneath it all- he’s a good person, with a good heart.
But the problem areas are there. There’s things about us that couldn’t be any more different, and these things manifest themselves in our relationship styles. And both of us don’t want to need the other person, but want the other person to need us, which doesn’t really work well, as you can imagine.
Ugh. I don't know what to do.
Today's Title from: Delicate by Damien Rice
It was all worth it though for the night I had last night.
“What time to you have to leave for work? 8:00?” Oscar asked me this morning.
I nodded.
“What time is it now?”
“7:45,” I said.
“Good, I can have you just a little bit longer,” he said as he pulled the covers up tighter and pulled me in closer.
I buried my face in his neck and giggled about the last 12 hours.
In the car on the way to his place, I impressed him with my knowledge of Jay-Z lyrics. He sang smooth jazz to me. Once back at his place, he showed me all of his new toys, asked for some decoration help and made me dinner, then let me eat all of his sweet potato pie. We talked about his friends- about how all of them adore me and have asked about me. We talked about our future together- which he apparently thinks will be a very long time.
We laughed a lot.
There are moments when we seem perfectly suited for each other. Over the phone, he can always call me on any facial expression I would be exhibiting at any given time. He gets my humor, even when he doesn’t think its as funny as I do. He calls me on my bullshit and takes it in good stride when I call him on his.
And I’m conflicted.
I’ll admit- I WANT to be with him. When I’m with him- he’s everything I want. I also can admit that all relationships are a two way street and a lot of our problems were just as much my fault as they were his. Having never really been in a committed relationship before, there’s a lot of new ground that I was learning- the hard way. I know I’m terrible in relationships.
And despite all of our problem areas- I know that underneath it all- he’s a good person, with a good heart.
But the problem areas are there. There’s things about us that couldn’t be any more different, and these things manifest themselves in our relationship styles. And both of us don’t want to need the other person, but want the other person to need us, which doesn’t really work well, as you can imagine.
Ugh. I don't know what to do.
Today's Title from: Delicate by Damien Rice
Labels: Oscar
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