Thursday, August 07, 2008
I have come to learn I'll only see you interrupting my dreams at night
I've made my decision. It wasn't easy and it's involved a lot of crying on my part at the most random and inopportune times. Like in the shower this morning.
But, yesterday at worked while I debated the pros and cons, I remembered The Crazy Days. The days when my feelings for you and your apathy towards me sent me spiraling into a place of uncontrollable emotions. I look back on those 3-4 days last August, when I cried practically non-stop because all I wanted was for you to return my fucking call, and cringe. How did I let myself get to that place? How can I ever put myself in a position where I could be there again???
I mean, fuck, you are THE REASON I went to therapy. I wanted to make sure I was strong enough in my myself to never allow myself to stay together with someone who doesn't want to be with me as much as I want to be with them.
Its not that I don't love you. Because I do. Irrationally, ridiculously so. And making the decision NOT to try things with you again is tearing me apart. I love it that you remember the color of the sheets on my bed and exactly how I'm going to react in almost any situation. You know all the little things, the trivial details that make me who I am. And you STILL want to be with me. But, I know where this is going to go. I know exactly how much effort you aren't going to put into this. It wasn't enough for me the first time. It wasn't enough for me the second time. And you haven't changed enough in the last 6 months for it be enough the third time.
You COULD be The One. You have the potential. But you're not willing to put in the effort required to find out. And I deserve better. I have to believe there is someone out there, who wants to fall in love with me, who wants me to become a major part of his life. We both know, that's not you.
Today's Title from: The Hat by Ingrid Michaelson
But, yesterday at worked while I debated the pros and cons, I remembered The Crazy Days. The days when my feelings for you and your apathy towards me sent me spiraling into a place of uncontrollable emotions. I look back on those 3-4 days last August, when I cried practically non-stop because all I wanted was for you to return my fucking call, and cringe. How did I let myself get to that place? How can I ever put myself in a position where I could be there again???
I mean, fuck, you are THE REASON I went to therapy. I wanted to make sure I was strong enough in my myself to never allow myself to stay together with someone who doesn't want to be with me as much as I want to be with them.
Its not that I don't love you. Because I do. Irrationally, ridiculously so. And making the decision NOT to try things with you again is tearing me apart. I love it that you remember the color of the sheets on my bed and exactly how I'm going to react in almost any situation. You know all the little things, the trivial details that make me who I am. And you STILL want to be with me. But, I know where this is going to go. I know exactly how much effort you aren't going to put into this. It wasn't enough for me the first time. It wasn't enough for me the second time. And you haven't changed enough in the last 6 months for it be enough the third time.
You COULD be The One. You have the potential. But you're not willing to put in the effort required to find out. And I deserve better. I have to believe there is someone out there, who wants to fall in love with me, who wants me to become a major part of his life. We both know, that's not you.
Today's Title from: The Hat by Ingrid Michaelson
Labels: Oscar
Posted by Chloe
at 10:03 AM |
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