Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun
I got discharged from the hospital today. I piled all the magazines, gifts, flowers, and other random shit I'd collected over my 6 day stint into the back of a cab and took my leave of NYU Medical.
As the cab pulled away, and turned onto FDR, I found myself sobbing. Sobbing for how unbelievably lucky I was.
And I HATE melodrama. I HATE making something bigger than it really is.
But sweet baby j, I could have died.
There was a terrifying half hour in the ER when the doctor there was convinced I had a virus in my heart. When I asked him, "Is it life-threatening?"
His response was, "not usually."
So, you can imagine that when I got the news that it wasn't an infection in my heart, but blood clots in my lungs, I was ecstatic.
Yay for blood clots!
And from the beginning, my dad (who is a doctor and this sort of shit is his specialty) has very much downplayed what happened to me. Never once letting me know how fatal he personally has seen this to be, until today when he felt like I was recovered enough to know. Thanks, Dad! Maybe you could've waited 6 more months, huh?
Just as a side note- my dad was an absolute shining star of a father during this whole extravaganza. He called me multiple times every day, offered to come to New York, and basically did the whole father thing to the absolute best of his ability. It did my heart really, really, really good.
I'm not going to make some big speech about how I feel obligated to make the most on this second chance at life. I had already made the decision to make drastic improvements on my life six months ago, when not having faced a life-threatening situation. And all the changes are probably the exact same changes I would probably make now.
But I remember thinking one thing very clearly, when I sat on my bed in the ER, freaking out because I thought my number was up. I remember thinking, 'But, I can't die. I've never been in love.'
I didn't think about kids. I didn't think about a missed opportunity to get married. I didn't even think about one particular person (although I dreamed about Oscar almost every single night that I was in the hospital).
I just thought, I want to have been touched by love before my time is up. I want to have loved someone with complete abandon.
Maybe its time for me to be more open.
Today's Title from: For Good by Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel
As the cab pulled away, and turned onto FDR, I found myself sobbing. Sobbing for how unbelievably lucky I was.
And I HATE melodrama. I HATE making something bigger than it really is.
But sweet baby j, I could have died.
There was a terrifying half hour in the ER when the doctor there was convinced I had a virus in my heart. When I asked him, "Is it life-threatening?"
His response was, "not usually."
So, you can imagine that when I got the news that it wasn't an infection in my heart, but blood clots in my lungs, I was ecstatic.
Yay for blood clots!
And from the beginning, my dad (who is a doctor and this sort of shit is his specialty) has very much downplayed what happened to me. Never once letting me know how fatal he personally has seen this to be, until today when he felt like I was recovered enough to know. Thanks, Dad! Maybe you could've waited 6 more months, huh?
Just as a side note- my dad was an absolute shining star of a father during this whole extravaganza. He called me multiple times every day, offered to come to New York, and basically did the whole father thing to the absolute best of his ability. It did my heart really, really, really good.
I'm not going to make some big speech about how I feel obligated to make the most on this second chance at life. I had already made the decision to make drastic improvements on my life six months ago, when not having faced a life-threatening situation. And all the changes are probably the exact same changes I would probably make now.
But I remember thinking one thing very clearly, when I sat on my bed in the ER, freaking out because I thought my number was up. I remember thinking, 'But, I can't die. I've never been in love.'
I didn't think about kids. I didn't think about a missed opportunity to get married. I didn't even think about one particular person (although I dreamed about Oscar almost every single night that I was in the hospital).
I just thought, I want to have been touched by love before my time is up. I want to have loved someone with complete abandon.
Maybe its time for me to be more open.
Today's Title from: For Good by Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel
Posted by Chloe
at 11:45 PM |
Permalink to Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun |
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