Tuesday, June 24, 2008
I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy
"Why do you think that you will never find love?" she asked me.
"I'm fundamentally unlovable," I tell her, my canned answer, in complete belief that this statement is true.
"The problem," she says, "is not that you actually ARE unlovable, but that you BELIEVE you are unlovable."
And in one brief sentence my therapist has pinpointed the root of all of my problems. We have discussed my irrational sensitivity to rejection and abandonment and as a result, rarely allow myself to be vulnerable, but instead wield an almost impenetrable shield. She tells me that I'll never be able to BE vulnerable until I actually do it. She tells me that self-esteem comes from esteeming actions and behavior. She tells me that people will treat me however I let them.
She tells me to remind myself that I am lovable as often as I remember to, even when I don't feel it or believe it.
The path in front of me feels daunting. Its easier to be pessimistic about the future, to hide behind untruths about myself to avoid opening myself to hurt and rejection.
I hope.
I hope that I can believe in myself. I hope that I can have relationships where the smallest actions don't cause me to be seized with anxiety that someone isn't interested in being my friend anymore. I hope that I can stop being the ugly-duckling in my head.
I hope I can love myself enough to let someone else love me.
Today's Title from: Incomplete by Alanis Morissette
"I'm fundamentally unlovable," I tell her, my canned answer, in complete belief that this statement is true.
"The problem," she says, "is not that you actually ARE unlovable, but that you BELIEVE you are unlovable."
And in one brief sentence my therapist has pinpointed the root of all of my problems. We have discussed my irrational sensitivity to rejection and abandonment and as a result, rarely allow myself to be vulnerable, but instead wield an almost impenetrable shield. She tells me that I'll never be able to BE vulnerable until I actually do it. She tells me that self-esteem comes from esteeming actions and behavior. She tells me that people will treat me however I let them.
She tells me to remind myself that I am lovable as often as I remember to, even when I don't feel it or believe it.
The path in front of me feels daunting. Its easier to be pessimistic about the future, to hide behind untruths about myself to avoid opening myself to hurt and rejection.
I hope.
I hope that I can believe in myself. I hope that I can have relationships where the smallest actions don't cause me to be seized with anxiety that someone isn't interested in being my friend anymore. I hope that I can stop being the ugly-duckling in my head.
I hope I can love myself enough to let someone else love me.
Today's Title from: Incomplete by Alanis Morissette
Posted by Chloe
at 12:07 AM |
Permalink to I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy |
4 Comments |
