Friday, May 09, 2008
Oh love, It will forsake you, Threaten to break you
I have a confession to make. I’ve always hated Mariah Carey and her incredibly diva-ish ways. But, as I am reading this week’s People magazine, which is plastered with pictures of her “Secret Wedding”, I find myself feeling envious. That’s right, I’m jealous of Mariah Carey and not just because she dated Derek Jeter.
And no, I don’t want to be married after dating some ridiculous ladies man for 6 weeks. But, they both look so ridiculously happy.
I have never felt that way. I’ve never even felt a smidgen of that.
I am very quick to get on friends’ cases because they allow their relationships to take over their lives. I get mad at friends who suddenly disappear when in new relationships, pissed that they don’t make time for me. I’ve always deeply rebelled against the idea of letting a man/relationship become the focus of my entire life.
However, I have no frame of reference. Having never been hit by The Mac Truck of love/lust/infatuation, its easy to be on the other side, shouting, “you should be a better friend!” when its always been easy for me to maintain my friendships due to my own personal lack of involvement in my relationships.
Whenever friends ask me for advice on their relationships these days (which, strangely, is often), I am always happy to tell people what I think, but I always add this caveat-
“But, keep in mind, I have never been in a successful relationship.”
I mean, what do I know? Nothing, clearly. How do I know, that when/if this elusive emotion ever does come down the pipeline, that I won’t behave like everyone else? That I won’t forsake all friends/acquaintances to spend time with this mythical creature who adores me as much as I adore him?
I am getting antsy-ish, about my affectionless life. For the most part, I am content and totally fine with how things are right now. But, I have my moments (doesn’t everyone?) where I pine, I ache for a tender touch. I think, “maybe I’m ready to try something again”.
Then I remember- the disappointment, the sleepless nights, the searing pain, the mistrust, the tears, the pure unadulterated anxiety, and I think, “nah, I’m not ready to go down that road again just yet.”
And yet, I am still jealous of Mariah Carey.
Today's Title from: Thing About Love by Alicia Keys
And no, I don’t want to be married after dating some ridiculous ladies man for 6 weeks. But, they both look so ridiculously happy.
I have never felt that way. I’ve never even felt a smidgen of that.
I am very quick to get on friends’ cases because they allow their relationships to take over their lives. I get mad at friends who suddenly disappear when in new relationships, pissed that they don’t make time for me. I’ve always deeply rebelled against the idea of letting a man/relationship become the focus of my entire life.
However, I have no frame of reference. Having never been hit by The Mac Truck of love/lust/infatuation, its easy to be on the other side, shouting, “you should be a better friend!” when its always been easy for me to maintain my friendships due to my own personal lack of involvement in my relationships.
Whenever friends ask me for advice on their relationships these days (which, strangely, is often), I am always happy to tell people what I think, but I always add this caveat-
“But, keep in mind, I have never been in a successful relationship.”
I mean, what do I know? Nothing, clearly. How do I know, that when/if this elusive emotion ever does come down the pipeline, that I won’t behave like everyone else? That I won’t forsake all friends/acquaintances to spend time with this mythical creature who adores me as much as I adore him?
I am getting antsy-ish, about my affectionless life. For the most part, I am content and totally fine with how things are right now. But, I have my moments (doesn’t everyone?) where I pine, I ache for a tender touch. I think, “maybe I’m ready to try something again”.
Then I remember- the disappointment, the sleepless nights, the searing pain, the mistrust, the tears, the pure unadulterated anxiety, and I think, “nah, I’m not ready to go down that road again just yet.”
And yet, I am still jealous of Mariah Carey.
Today's Title from: Thing About Love by Alicia Keys
Posted by Chloe
at 5:17 PM |
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