The Virginity Monologues

So, someone that I love very dearly is also going through a health crisis currently. They haven't been able to diagnose why she's covered in red bumps and quite frankly, in her situation, I would probably be home crying every night and eating pints of Ben & Jerry's for every meal. So, imagine my surprise when she told me last night that I was 'an inspiration' to her.

I was under the impression that I did nothing but complain about my situation. Apparently, I need to do more of that.

Dear Pulmonary Embolism,

I HATE you. I absolutely, positively LOATHE you. You have managed to wiggle yourself into every single aspect of my life and... FUCKED IT UP. And it sucks.

Lets start with the one thing that used to bring me constant and incessant joy. The Gym. Oh, how I loved my gym time. So much so, that I used to go twice a day. Those were beautiful, breath-filled days. For the last month and a half, you have ruined this for me. First you made it suck, then you took it away from me completely. I'm SLOWLY getting back into things, but may have pushed it a little too hard at a total-body conditioning class. I sensed this because every time I bent over, then stood back up, I got light-headed and saw stars. No joke. Every single time. So now I will be cancelling my appointment with my personal trainer later this week. And attempt to force myself to take it slower.

You have also ruined birth control for me. I used to enjoy a beautiful world where I knew TO THE HOUR when I would get my period and when it would end, 3 very short days later. Now that it has been taken away from me FOREVER, things are happening willy-nilly, without much warning, when its not supposed to be happening, and dear god, because of the Coumadin, I have one word for you- HEAVY. Like ridiculously heavy. Seriously, I hate you.

Coumadin. Of course you have to be treated with The Worlds Most Annoying Drug. Only 2 drinks! I need to celebrate LIFE! I can't do that on 2 drinks!!! I'm okay with removing the leafy-greens from my diet, I'm not a huge spinach lover, but sometimes, I miss broccoli. And cranberry. And I don't know for sure what the cause of this is, but did I mention the pounding headaches? Every single day? They are unpleasant. And because of the coumadin, i can't take aleve, advil or excedrin. The only option available to me is tylenol. Which is essentially useless. I will not go into my complaints about not being able to take Diflucan (the wonder drug used to treat yeast infections), because some men read this, but this is also a complaint at the top of my list.

It was suggested to me that I may go through the 5 stages of grief over this Crisis. If this is true, then I am QUITE confident that I have hit ANGER. Although, I'm pretty sure I already went through depression, so maybe that's something else that you've fucked up.

I want to be NORMAL again. I want to get on the treadmill and RUN. I want to make plans to go paintballing with my friends and not worry that getting hit by a paintball will cause enough internal bleeding to kill me. I want to go out and drink until I'm done drinking and not worry about every single drop of alcohol that passes my lips. I want to stop cataloguing every single pain that I feel in my calves (a symptom). I don't want to go back and get my INR tested ANYMORE.

Please. Go away. Take your chest pains and shortness of breath and leave me in peace. Haven't you done enough???

Love,
Chloe

Today's Title from: Running to Stand Still by U2