Tuesday, December 05, 2006
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's...
All of my worst fears about myself have been confirmed. Follow my train of thought and you'll understand why.
I learned this morning that Scott had been going through some pretty serious family issues while him and I were dating/seeing each other/fucking. Things that he only mentioned to me very superficially. In such a way that I never would have suspected the depth of the trauma involved on his part. I wondered why he never shared any of it with me. After seven months of knowing me, does he really think I am of so little substance that he couldn't discuss those things with me? Does the man that I shared pillow talk with for seven months really find me to be so lacking in depth that he can't discuss with me the most important things to him?
I decided to head out for lunch and walk a little, pondering my identity crisis. Do other people really perceive me as that superficial? Do they look at my middle-class upbringing and current fairly priviledged lifestyle and assume that I know very little about heartache or what its like to suffer? And the worst of it all is that I wondered if it was true. I used to fall back on my deep seated religious beliefs as proof that I was a person of substantial personal integrity, but since I no longer believe those things, what is there about me to show that there is so much more to me than just the clothes that I wear, the place that I go and the people that I know? Was there really anything more to me than my fancy job, my obsession with sex, my shoes and my handbags?
HANDBAGS!
Sweet fancy Moses! I had forgotten about the Kate Spade sample sale! Luckily there
was an open taxi right there, as if waiting for me. So I jumped in and directed him to the location, not needing to go back into the office and look it up because I have been there so many times previously.
20 minutes later, I made all my troubles disappear with this lovely new addition to my collection. And I felt better about having lost out on those Isaac Mizrahi heels that had been plaguing my dreams.
The end result is that I just might not have any depth to me at all, and I just might truly be everything that I fear most.
But at least I'm going to look good doing it.
Today's Title from: Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt
I learned this morning that Scott had been going through some pretty serious family issues while him and I were dating/seeing each other/fucking. Things that he only mentioned to me very superficially. In such a way that I never would have suspected the depth of the trauma involved on his part. I wondered why he never shared any of it with me. After seven months of knowing me, does he really think I am of so little substance that he couldn't discuss those things with me? Does the man that I shared pillow talk with for seven months really find me to be so lacking in depth that he can't discuss with me the most important things to him?
I decided to head out for lunch and walk a little, pondering my identity crisis. Do other people really perceive me as that superficial? Do they look at my middle-class upbringing and current fairly priviledged lifestyle and assume that I know very little about heartache or what its like to suffer? And the worst of it all is that I wondered if it was true. I used to fall back on my deep seated religious beliefs as proof that I was a person of substantial personal integrity, but since I no longer believe those things, what is there about me to show that there is so much more to me than just the clothes that I wear, the place that I go and the people that I know? Was there really anything more to me than my fancy job, my obsession with sex, my shoes and my handbags?
HANDBAGS!
Sweet fancy Moses! I had forgotten about the Kate Spade sample sale! Luckily there
was an open taxi right there, as if waiting for me. So I jumped in and directed him to the location, not needing to go back into the office and look it up because I have been there so many times previously.20 minutes later, I made all my troubles disappear with this lovely new addition to my collection. And I felt better about having lost out on those Isaac Mizrahi heels that had been plaguing my dreams.
The end result is that I just might not have any depth to me at all, and I just might truly be everything that I fear most.
But at least I'm going to look good doing it.
Today's Title from: Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt
Labels: Scott
Posted by Chloe
at 3:09 PM |
Permalink to With some decorations bought at Tiffany's... |
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