The Virginity Monologues

So, I even before I read all of the lovely comments about yesterday's post, I had my eyebrows threaded. $6 for minimum pain and lovely shaped eyebrows was totally worth it for me. Yet another procedure to add to my regular beauty maintenance.

Karen and I have managed to plan a getaway for Memorial Day weekend that will not cost us an arm and a leg. It involves a beach and will be close enough to, but also far away enough from Atlantic City to make me extremely happy. I need some time out of the city. I love New York, I really, really do. But sometimes you just need to sit and relax and not take the subway for a few days. It works wonders on stress levels. And mine are presently through the roof.

I have Date #2 with Patrick, A.K.A The Nicest-Guy-I've-Met-In-Two-Years, tonight. He's not great with the communication, but he takes me to great restaurants, and he doesn't forget his credit card, so that's also a big plus. I'm curious to see how I feel after tonight. If the lack of chemistry is still an issue for me. I don't remember there being a lot of chemistry with The Ex at the beginning, but once it did start to happen, I was turned on for an entire month straight. So much so, that I was regularly soaking through my pants. Really. But I do remember being giddy and full of butterflies and possibilities at the beginning of that relationship. So much so, that the morning after our first date, I was so off in La-La Land that I tripped and sprained my ankle badly enough to have to cancel our next set of plans. Then when his reply was to "get better, kitten" I thought I would explode at the adorableness.

So far no real giddy-ness or exploding with Patrick. We'll see, I guess.

Speaking of The Ex. I might see him in a few weeks. A mutual friend forwarded me an invitation to a Benefit that I'm about 90% certain that he will be at. I normally would have avoided a situation where I could potentially appear to be stalking a boyfriend whom I haven't seen or spoken to in 2 years, but one of my favorite comedians will be there (Mike Birbiglia) and I must go. And I'm excited to see his roommates. One of whom used to counsel on me on All Things Penis Related, as it was something that I was terrified of at the time, but clearly am no longer. (Wouldn't my mother be so proud at how I've grown in the last 2 years?).

Is it weird that I still have days where I miss him a little? The Ex, that is.

Today's Title from: Comfortable by John Mayer

Labels: Patrick, The Ex

I didn't understand the need that other couples had to be with each other every waking second when we first started dating. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED being with you, I just didn't crave you the way that I expected to.

After about a month and a half of serious dating, I began to understand, and I ached for you. You were an addiction, a drug, and I never wanted to come down from that high.

We all went out to dinner one night, the standard 4 of us. You, me, one of my bestest- L, and your roommate, Pete. The laughter and the fun never seemed to stop for us. Whether it was me and L, entertaining with stories of our crazy co-workers, or L and Pete mimicking us and our inability to separate from each other; or you, just being you.

L and I were laughing, you had teased me about something and as I turned to you, to bask in the sheer joy of the moment, being with you, having you; you looked at me and said those 3 words:

I love you.

I felt my face register the shock.

And we both were remembering the conversation that took place a few weeks earlier. When I had told you not to say that to me until I said it first. I warned you that I had ended relationships when men said that too quickly. Those words freaked me out and I needed to be ready.

You immediately took it back. You didn't mean it, you protested.

I laughed and just took your hand in mine. Don't worry about it, I told you. But I knew that you were worried that I would freak out and break up with you shortly thereafter.

You had to leave early that night to go to some friends' play way out in BFE Brooklyn, which I had no interest in. But I called you later, and you didn't answer.

I called you that night to tell you that I loved you too.

2 years later and I'm not sure that either one of us ever really felt it at all.

Labels: The Ex

I like to consider myself to be a person of a certain degree of depth. I have a strong religious background, have spent some quality time pondering the meaning of life, volunteer on a regular basis and have a genuine love of humankind. But I will admit to a strong and abiding obsession with pop culture. And as such, there are things that I never miss- The Golden Globes and The Oscars. I watch the arrivals, and the post-event wrap ups. I can spend hours musing on what a train wreck I think Mariah Carey is and how much I love Joaquin Phoenix. Remember when I put him on My List, long before the whole hoopla of Walk the Line? I am not some bandwagon fan where he is concerned, I'm the real deal.

I didn't end up seeing my ex-boyfriend this weekend. He was out of town. Probably for the best. It probably would have stirred up emotions in me that I don't want to feel anymore.

Abby, my roommate, asked me if I would date him again if given the opportunity.

I didn't even have to think about it- the answer is an absolute no.

Why? Because I know him well enough to know that even if I did have sex with him (we broke up because I wasn't ready and he wasn't willing to wait) it still wouldn't work out. And getting over him the first time was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Getting over him the second time would kill me.

And let's face it- the world is a better place with me in it!

Labels: The Ex

There is a very real chance that I will see my ex-boyfriend this weekend. L- one of my dearest friends, who introduced us, is coming back into town and there will be a big to-do for her. We will both be invited and I know that I will be there.

How do I feel about this? I don't know. We haven't seen each other in about a year and we haven't spoken in at least 7 months. And I don't know why we stopped speaking. We were doing pretty well with the 'friend' business. He just stopped returning emails. No explanation. No confrontation. Just casually removing himself from my life.

What will he think when he sees me? What will I think when I see him? Will he look at me and feel disdain? Or will he remember how great we had it? How, in the short time that we spent together, we shared moments that were more powerful than all the rest of my other relationships combined.

Will he remember telling me he loved me?

Labels: The Ex

I forgot that they existed. I was searching for another email when I came across them.

The emails.
From the ex.

I did an exorcism of all things ex-related a few months ago and I deleted all of the emails chronicling our relationship except for 2. The 2 emails remind me of how great I had it, and what it's like to be loved by someone really amazing.

I just read them again.

Let me give you a little taste of what one of them says-

"And I can't say this enough, you mean so much to me. The last thing I want to do is not be with you."

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

I have been considering having sex with dubious-occupation-street-boyfriend, Ted, when I had THIS!

How did my standards get so low? How could I have forgotten what love is really about and laid it all on a sacrificial altar for a few moments of pleasure, when I know how much better it can be?

Not that I want to get back together with my ex, because I don't. But, I want somebody to love me like that again. I want to know what sex is like when that kind of emotion is introduced.

Damn those emails. Maybe I should delete them. It's so much easier to indulge in indiscriminate sex when I remove those from the equation, when love doesn't matter at all.

Labels: The Ex

In keeping with the exorcism of men-that-are-bad-for-me, I did something pretty big today. I deleted all of my emails from my ex-boyfriend. Considering that we emailed 3-5 times a day during our relationship, it was a substantial amount of emails, chronicling the highs and lows and the eventual demise of us. I saved two. The two emails where he says things that no one has ever said to me. In the days after our break-up, reading them reminded me that the pain I was going through was worth it for what I had experienced. I will hold on to these, if only to remind myself that I am worthy of love from a really amazing person. I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard and it didn't make me a little bit sad. But, as my best friend just told me, it's okay to let go.

A friend has been requesting that I do lists. I generally am not a fan. But just to satisfy her, here goes.

Top 5 Things That I am Obsessed With
5. Plucking my eyebrows. One of these days I'm going to pluck them clean off.
4. Men of a different ethnicity than my white ass, and having sex with them
3. Derek Jeter/Yankees
2. Cheesecake/French fries- equally
1. My ipod and the music on it

Labels: The Ex

Can we please have a conversation about what an ass my ex-boyfriend is? Our breakup was amicable and mostly mutual. We both knew we couldn't make it work long term, but we knew that our friendship was something pretty amazing and we wanted to maintain it. It sucked, royally, at first. Every time I saw him, it was like we were breaking up all over again. But I pushed on, determined to make it work, steadfast in my efforts to remain friends. We had no reason to hate each other and in all honesty, I couldn't stop loving him! Obviously, I've been getting past that whole loving-him business but I still really care about him as a person, and would really like to stay friends. Out of nowhere, he totally dropped off the face of the earth. He no longer returns emails at all. When I found out that things in his life were going badly, I sent him an email, extending a hand of friendship, and received nothing back. Nothing. Who does that to a friend. Here's what I have to say- he can HOSE OFF. I'm not trying to get back together with him! I don't want to get back together! I just want to be friends! He makes NO sense. Boo to him.

Flirting with Mr. Wrong. He heard of my Saturday night exploits and wanted details, including who I was with. I told him to stay away from me, that he's trouble with a capital T, but I think he thought I was kidding.

Labels: The Ex

I LOVE music. Music is a passion and obsession for me. Music can take me back to any time and place. Save the Best for Last by Vanessa Williams was OUR song with my first boyfriend and every time I hear it I get a pang for that boy who was my first kiss all those 13 years ago. Paula Abdul- Forever Your Girl- my 5th grade boyfriend. Thompson Twins- If You Were Here- my former best friend and the boy that I loved more than any other boy, ever. We used to watch Sixteen Candles together, a LOT. Celine Dion- My Heart Will Go On- as much as I HATE this song, every time I hear it, I relive the train station in Russia scene over and over again, where I had to say goodbye to the family that I had loved so much. They played that song constantly in Russia. CONSTANTLY. It seemed appropriate that it was playing over the PA that day. Bell Biv Devoe- Do Me- we put this song on my friend's answering machine in 8th grade when her parents were out of town. It was so awesome. Her parents were not amused. I could go on and on.

There are multiple songs that make me fall in love with my ex all over again. Most notably- The Only Living Boy in New York by Simon and Garfunkel. Here's why- it was September 10, we went and bought my iPod. I was ecstatic. We sat in the Apple store in SoHo and downloaded a TON of music from his laptop. One of the greatest things about my ex was his taste in music. It was impeccable. He introduced me to a lot of really great stuff. I really miss that. After we finished with all of that stuff, we left the Apple Store and were walking, looking for someplace to eat dinner, or so I thought. He had been different that day. I am not big into PDA, and we generally didn't indulge in it much, but he had been particularly affectionate that day, holding me very tight in the line at Apple. Anyway, as we walked, he pulled me into a side street/sidewalky deserted place. We broke up. I cried. He cried. It took every single ounce of strength that I possessed to walk away. I was not hugely familiar with the West Village at the time, so I wandered a little aimlessly looking for the damn subway, bawling on the phone to my sister. I finally made it into the subway. God, I thought I was going to die from the pain ripping at my heart. I couldn't stop crying, which is kind of a no-no on the subway. New Yorkers do not show emotion on public transportation. I pulled out my brand-new iPod. The only music on there was his. I pulled up The Only Living Boy in New York and put it on repeat. I listened to it over and over again on that horrendously long subway ride, thinking of everything that I had just lost. And now everytime I hear that song, I am back on that subway, missing him so much that I can't breathe, wanting nothing more than to go to him and put my head on his familiar shoulder and cry. Which is really weird because I LOATHE letting people see me cry.

The thing is- my ex-boyfriend is one of the greatest guys I've ever known. He has an amazing heart and he was SO good to me. I still can't figure out what he was doing with me. Someday. Someday I will love someone that much again.

Labels: The Ex

I'm listening to Both Sides Now, by Joni Mitchell. This song never, ever fails to remind me of the weekend that I went to DC with my very good friend, K, and we listened to this song constantly. I was going through a tough time with the boyfriend at the time, and I wasn't sure why or if we should be together. This song made me so sad, every time I heard it. I wanted to believe that we were worth fighting our hardest for. He had been out on vacation for over a week by the time I got back from DC, and I went straight to him, without going home first. I just wanted to see his face. We went back to his place, and for a very stupid reason, we were having a contest to see who could hold out the longest on initiating physical relations. I tend to be the aggressor, but I was determined to win. We were laying on his bed, just talking and he turned to me and said, "How about if we kiss each other at the same time, and then neither one of us loses." Then, he kissed me with earnest. And it was the best kiss of my whole life. I felt it in my toes. I felt it everywhere. I decided in that moment, that I would fight, that I would stop looking for a way out, but put my heart into it. 2 weeks later, he gave up the fight and there wasn't anything that I could do about it. I got over it. I always do. I made myself get over it. Nothing keeps me down, nothing. But it was a while before I wanted to get back up. It was a whole new world of hurt, different from anything I had ever experienced before and all I want to do is make sure that it never, ever happens again.

Labels: The Ex

So, over a couple of beers last night, a plan was hatched. I've decided that it's time to "break the seal" as a friend once said to me, not referring to that whole- 'don't go pee when you're drinking' phenomenon, but another seal entirely. I'm tired of being a virgin. I'm missing out on something everyone else is experiencing. I'm an incomplete person, right? I'm relatively attractive and a riot to boot, so there's no reason on God's green earth why I should still be a virgin. None! But I'm not dating anyone, and no one's going to date me when they find out I am hymenally challenged. Seriously. Some guys think it's hot, but they're just dirty, kinda. Anyway. There's only one person that I would consider it with. You know who that is folks- that's right, Mr. Ex. It makes sense, it really does. It would be special, as it would be the first time for both of us (assuming he hasn't been gettin' incredibly busy since we broke up), and it wouldn't be cheap and it would be with someone who has and continues to mean a lot to me. Thoughts? Can I get a hell ya? Now if only I can convince him. That's the tough part. He's all noble and shit and probably won't do it because he thinks I won't be able to handle it. I hate that. This is not a time for hesitation!

Labels: The Ex

I backslid last night into the warm, dark depths of my heroin. Dinner was perfect. Activities afterward- oodles of ease and familiar fun. It was comfortable and heart-wrenching. I love that I am the truest version of myself when I am with him. There is no editing of words or thoughts. I can let them all tumble freely from my mouth without fear of recrimination or condemnation. I can tell him the complete story. I walked away with the same refrain resounding loudly in my head of "why are we not together?"

The answer is complicated and involves that dastardly word- compromise. Neither one of us is willing to do it. End of story. Well, obviously not really the end of the story as we still hang out, and I still long for his lips (and other places too, I'll admit). Also, pride would never allow me to make a reconciliation attempt. I am a vain, vain woman and a rejection of that magnitude would irrevocably damage my already fragile self-confidence.

Maybe the anonymous, cheap interludes is a better course to run. Its so much less emotionally taxing. But it's also so cold and empty and quite frankly- unsatisfying. So, I guess I'll just keep my clothes on for now.

Labels: The Ex