The Virginity Monologues

If he had asked me to marry him, I would have said yes. We lived 100 feet from each other for a year. I invented every excuse in the book to go over to their house on a regular basis. He cooked me dinner, I in turn, fed him multiple times. I took him shopping, determined that he would be my husband and he would definitely need to dress better. We had class together and sat next to each other. He emailed me notes when I missed class and would send me other emails that told me all the minutiae of his soul. He let me wax his chest. We never dated. We talked about it, but he never "felt that way". Before I left for New York, I told him that I loved him; he said that I was "amazing". After my plane landed, there was a text message from him, waiting for my eager fingers. It said how much I would be missed. Our friendship continued. Phone calls. Emails with lyrics to songs about a boy in love with a girl in New York City. Two weeks after I started dating my ex he called me to tell me that he was in love, with someone else. I cried for a long time. A month ago, he married her. I was suprised to discover how glad I was that it wasn't me. Last Friday night he called me, just to say hi. I have nothing to say to him. He owned my heart for nearly 2 years. I'm all talked out.

Do we ever make the right decision about who to fall in love with?

I have been such a work horse lately! Who knew that I had the ability to be so productive? Not me!

So get this! I am staying at a friend's apartment all week while she is on vacation- taking care of her cat and living the good life in my most favorite part of town- the East Village. I really need to get a new favorite part of town, but I have lots of memories scattered around those blocks and it'll always hold a special place in my heart. 1st and 2nd ave between 1st and 7th streets witnessed the rise and fall of a relationship, I can define the turning points of it by the street corners. Plus, it houses Pommes Frites, hello! So anyway, a friend of mine- who's not really that good of a friend, we've never even hung out outside of work, asked me if he could stay with me for a couple of nights at this apartment because him and his girlfriend had a fight and he "has nowhere else to go". BS! I told him to hose off, but now our friendship is ruined, because he had to go and be a bastard. I was talking to a friend who said that he tried the exact same thing with her and then got mad at he when she wouldn't sleep with him. Wouldn't he have been so disappointed to learn of my virginity and the current penis embargo (unless, of course, your name is Derek Jeter)? hahaha!

Mail-Room Guy has started stopping by my desk on regular intervals, that doesn't include delivering the mail. I need this to stop immediately. Seriously. How can a girl resist that?

So, all the blogging love that went around last Wednesday/Thursday has sent my hit counter through the roof! I'm both giddy and frightened by this. Oh well! I can't stop now! I'm addicted!

I just spent the entire weekend at a beach house on an island in southern New Jersey with Michelle. Just laying on the beach for a few days, working on nothing but my tan; which is lovely and golden thanks to the greatest invention ever- SPF. The best part about the weekened was- absolutely NO male interaction. None at all. It was so liberating! No putting on false pretenses or worrying about what to do if it ends up being a situation where someone wants to go home with someone else. I'm tired of the game. I want to like a boy, and just be able to let him know it. Don't say anything, JOE! I KNOW that this is not how it works, but I rebel against the idea of being anything other than who I really am! I'm cute! I'm funny! I'm a virgin! Take me as I am or fuck off to you and the horse you rode in on.

To those of you who are new to the blog- I frequently talk about multiple men. There's really only 2 of late that you may be confused about. There's Mr. Wrong- who, obviously, works in my building and gets me all hot and bothered about 4 times a day when I run into him. He has a girlfriend. He has, at one point, stayed at my house and slept in my bed, but nothing happened (other than a little early morning groping). He has called me a couple of times trying to come over, but I have always said no. I still want him. I can't have him. Sometimes we love each other, sometimes we hate each other. It's an interesting relationship. And there's the ex, my one and only real love. We broke up about 10 months ago, but nobody compares to him and I still miss him lots from time to time. We stayed friends and still talk from occasionally, but lately he's been ignoring me and I'm tired of that shit, so it may be the end of our friendship. I can't keep letting him hurt me just for the sake of preserving good feelings for each other.

Now, that you're all up to speed! Mr. Wrong complimented me on my cute new shoes today. And asked me about the beach. I'm in love all over again. Clearly, he's also in love with me and my hot new tan. Dramatic sigh. Could someone else more interesting, with a penis, and heterosexual, please stand up? I got someone I've GOT to get over!

Labels: Mr. Wrong

Good news! The infection in my throat has spread to my ears! I love it! I woke up about 50 times last night cause the phlegm in my throat just wanted to chat. Argh. I'm kind of like a man when it comes to doctors, so this morning I just sucked it up, called my dad and made him phone me in a prescription of Amoxicillin. He may be a jerk, but he comes in handy sometimes.

You'll never believe it, quite frankly I can't believe it, but last night I had drinks with The Fish, Joe, and Ari. There were other people there, but they don't have blogs, so they are irrelevant (ha, ha, Kidding! Rachel, Randy and Tralen- I love you!). I literally felt like I had been asked to have lunch with the popular kids in high school. There is so much that people can hide behind on this crazy vehicle known as the internet, but these people were just as, if not more, amazing and funny than their web personas. Joe says that if I want to remain in control, then I can't give up too much information, so I won't talk about how much I hope we hang out again and let him think that I'm just wishy-washy about it.

On a more serious note- I found out some information about the ex last night. Some bad things that have happened to him recently. I shouldn't really know, and I think that he would be mad if he knew that this person had told me these things, so I can't say anything to him about it. But I feel horrible. I want to go to him and put my arms around him and tell him that everything will be okay. I'm stifled by a sense of honor and not wanting to create unnecessary friction between him and another friend, in what is obviously not a great time for him.

Ummmm, I had something else to say. Oh yeah- I was walking into the building today after making a fuss at Duane Reade, demanding my antibiotics immediately or I was going to cough on them, and Mr. Wrong and another friend were standing there. I cheerily said 'Hi' to the one that I have not slept in the same bed with, and ignored Mr. Cheater-Pants. He said, "What am I? Chopped liver?" I just laughed and sauntered into the building. I'm not wasting anymore time on conversations with him. They just make me want to rip his clothes off and I'm trying to avoid that.

So, I was looking for an old email today and I came across an email from Mr. Wrong, an invitation to a party all the back in January. I was secretly in love with him at the time, as I had fallen for him the second I first laid eyes him. I barely knew him then and thought that surely my inclusion on the email had been a mistake. Knowing what I know of him now and his predator ways, I realize that it probably wasn't a mistake. It's a good feeling, knowing that he had noticed me back then, when I thought that I would never stand a chance with him. But it's crazy to think how much I idolized him, how much I longed for just a glimpse of his gorgeous face and how often I fantasized about being in his arms. Reality is never as good as fantasy is it? But when the reality of the person is 6 feet of beautiful black muscle, it's hard to believe it won't live up to the fantasy.

Had a minor altercation with the copy machine today. One of these days, I am going to go Office Space on that thing.

And what's with friends calling to tell me when the Yankees lose? I don't appreciate it. All of you- STOP IT.

Labels: Mr. Wrong

I'm having a pity party for myself. You're all invited!!! I'm sick. I'm tired. I went to a Yankee's game last night and they lost. Crap is happening to my brother, and I feel responsible. I am going to die alone and still a virgin because I will never get men to stop rejecting me.

Phew. I feel better already. Now if I could just get the swelling in my tonsils to go down.

I am not a fan of Father's Day. Why? Because there's a great big empty void inside of me where a father's love should be. My father left when I was 3. Walked out on us all. It's my first memory. When I was 5 he married a woman that told him on their wedding night that she hated us 4 kids. He stayed married to her until I was 18. She made our lives miserable. During our obligatory summer visits she tortured us into cowering submission. My father stood idly by, allowing it all to happen. We watched as our stepsisters reaped all the benefits of my father's money: clothes, cars, etc, etc and while my still-single mother gave us the best she could with her teacher salary.

When I was 18, he went through some life crisis, divorced the Wicked Witch and turned into a good dad for a while. Weekly phone calls! Money for college tuition! I bought it! I believed it. It was everything I had ever wanted. It was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! It ended almost as quickly as it began, when wife #3 entered the picture. She's a wonderful woman, nothing like The Antichrist. But her presence in my father's life, means us kids get the boot again. Oh sure, I got a guilt trip to Italy somewhere along the line- that should be enough, shouldn't it? The phone calls come about once every 3-4 months now. I've been banished again to red-headed stepchild status by my own father.

I keep thinking that I'll come to terms with it, that I'll stop hoping for a dad that would do anything for me and loves me more than anyone else. But it won't ever come. I need to accept that I have a father who likes me and will do things for me that are within reason and just be happy with it. I remember as a little girl, riding my bike to the top of our street and waiting and watching for my dad when he would come and pick us up. Nothing made my heart soar more than seeing him coming down the road. Most of the time I still feel like that little girl, waiting and watching, ready to beg for just some scraps of his affection.

Sorry for the lack of posts! I was in hell (read- Florida) on a business trip for the last couple of days, culminating in a 3 hour plane delay and a spectacularly incompetent driver home from the airport. I remember the first time I came to New York City for a visit and my first view of the skyline. I was in absolute awe of the sheer grandeur of this place. My feelings for bordered on reverential and I was NOT worthy. Last night, coming in to Manhattan from Brooklyn, the skyline inspired such different emotions from that first time. Last night, those buildings were a comforting embrace and meant only one thing to me, home. I made it. I made it in New York City. No matter what happens for the rest of my life, I can say that I looked New York square in the eye and made it my bitch. Boo-yeah.

No call. Can you effing believe it? NO CALL. Good thing I didn't have expectations. Good thing I didn't buy into his I'm-a-nice-guy persona. Good thing I didn't have any kind of thoughts whatsoever about him and losing my virginity. Phew! I'm so pleased that my asshole streak remains unblemished. Meeting a nice guy may have caused the circuits in my brain to explode, and we can't have that. From here on out, it's just me and BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend).

Note to self: must buy new perfume. Apparently current scent is man-repellant. And.... buy more batteries, it's going to be a lonely summer.

One year ago, exactly today, I fell in love. For the first time in my life I felt that connection, that you hear about and see movies about, but aren't ever really sure that it'll happen to you. It happened to me. It was the most perfect date that I've ever been on. No awkward silences, easy communication and that extra something that words can't define. He wasn't a schmoozer, he was real and tangible and best of all, funny. The relationship ran it's course and eventually we discovered that we just couldn't make things work, we were too inherently different and unwilling to compromise. But I walked away a changed person, irrevocably. As my first love, he will always hold a place in my heart. Today I mourn, for the things that might have been.

I love meeting new people. Especially people that I really like. Last night at Broadway Under the Stars, I had the unbelievably good fortune to meet Megan, Eric and Keith, people who had ACTUALLY had the pleasure of being touched by Madonna. Life does not get any better, in my estimation.

BTW- no call yet. No expectations......

Here's my mantra for the day- no expectations, no expectations. Here's why- I went out on Saturday night. The night actually began at a Mets game, which was a TON of fun. I love the Yankees, nothing will ever change that, but Shea Stadium was a LOT of fun. A motley group of guys, all from Queens, bought me a hot dog and entertained me and my friend for a good chunk of time. After the game, I met up with Michelle at her apartment in the E. Village. We had a couple of beers, then headed out. At a bar in the W. Village, I met someone. It all began at the bar, trying to get the bartender to get me some drinks, he stood next to me and laughed at my jokes about flashing the bartender to get better service. At some point, something clicked and we ended up spending the entire evening at each others' side. He was interesting, very interesting. He was smart, funny, and he loves baseball and was suitably impressed by my knowledge of baseball. I stayed at that bar until 3:45 am. Not hoping for anything, not intending to take him home, just wanting to continue talking to him. Eventually exhaustion settled in and it was time to go. He asked for my number. I gave it to him. The best part is- I didn't kiss him. I kept all slutty behavior in check, and hopefully left him wanting more. Here were our parting words to each other, as we stood next to each other, and him with his hand lightly resting on the small of my back:

Me (lightly, with flirtatious tones mixed in): I'm going to be really disappointed if you don't call.
Him: Well, you're not going to be disappointed, because I'm definitely going to call.

Now, as my roommate likes to tell me regarding meeting people in bars- There Are Rules. He wasn't drinking on Saturday, because he was driving, so I know it wasn't beer that was holding his interest in me, but regardless, I still met him in a bar. So, I am trying to be realistic. I have no expectations. If he doesn't call- that's fine! Just keep repeating that to myself..... and maybe I'll believe it.

Summertime in NYC has officially begun. The heat was ON this week, and I was caught without an air conditioner. I kept meaning to get one, but there hadn't been a need until a few days ago. Unfortunately, everyone else in this hot city was in the same predicament. My roommate and I went to Target in the Bronx last night- and every single air conditioner in the store was gone. Completely sold out. So, it was 9:00, PC Richards on 86th street closed at 9:30. I said to my roommate, "Let's get a move on!" We jumped in the car, sped like demons down the Henry Hudson, I jumped out of the car in front of the store and made it in with a few minutes to spare! It was a MADHOUSE. But, Operation Air Conditioner was successful. I am no longer sleeping in a pool of sweat every night. I actually woke up with my covers on this morning! I choked on the emotion of the moment. It was beautiful. Now, all I need is a bigger bed and my life will be complete!

So, after about a week of ignoring each other, me and the TOOL known as Mr. Wrong are back on semi-friendly terms. I hope this doesn't mean that he thinks that he can booty call me again, because if he does, he's going to get a rude awakening. PLEASE. Men are so stupid.

Ummmmmm. I haven't kissed anyone in 3 weeks! Who's proud of me?

Labels: Mr. Wrong

I haven't posted anything about men lately, because there really hasn't been anything to report. I've been so busy actively hating Mr. Wrong, there isn't room for anything else. Just wanted to let you all know, I am still a virgin.

Labels: Mr. Wrong

Okay, I always get these surveys that you're supposed to send around to your friends so that everyone can get to know each other better, yada, yada, yada. I love them. So, here's one for all of you to learn a little more about me! What fun!

1. Name: Chloe
2. Number of candles on your last birthday cake: 27
3. Ever been in love? Yes
4. Pets: Had a cat named Jeter, but he couldn't be separated from his brother, so I had to leave him at my old apartment
5. Hair Color: Brownish/Blondish
6. Piercing: ears only
7. Eye Color: blueish/greenish/grayish
8. How much do you love your job: A love as big as this city
9. Current Residence: New York City, baby
10. Favorite food: Indian or Thai
11. Been to Africa? No
12. Been toilet papering? I grew up in suburbia, at one point in my life it was a weekly occurance
13. Love someone so much it made you cry? Yes
14. Been in a car accident? yes- both were my fault
15. Croutons or bacon bits? Croutons
16. Favorite day of the week: Friday, especially with summer hours
17. Favorite word or phrase: seriously, my favorite word is seriously, I seriously say it like 500 times a day
18. Favorite Restaurant: SOOOOO hard. Milon, Pomme Frites or Serendipity for dessert
19. Favorite flower: I don't really have a favorite flower, as a general rule I love them all
20. Favorite sport to play: anything that can be done naked
21. Favorite drink: ummmmm, Dr. Pepper
22. Favorite Ice cream: TIE: mint chocolate chip/chocolate chip cookie dough
23. Disney or Warner Bros: Warner Bros
24. Favorite fast food restaurant: Wendy's
25. What color is your bedroom carpet: the rug on top of my hardwood floor is cream with tan stripes
26. How many times did you fail your drivers test: 0, because I am a genius
27. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card: MAC, Virgin or Banana Republic
28. What do you do most often when you are bored: boredom is seldom these days, but in the event that I actually have free time, I tend to sleep
29. Most annoying thing people ask me: anything about my famous boss
30. Bedtime: varies, lately has been 12-12:30 depending on how fast the subway can get me home
31. Favorite TV show(s): Arrested Development
32. Last person you went out to dinner with: the gay pride parade that is Randy and his boyfriend
33. Ford or Chevy: the 1 train, thanks
34. Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex? smile and shoulders
35. The last CD you bought? Can't remember, but I plan to buy the new Weezer CD very soon.

The Cliffs of Moher. So tragic and beautiful. I want to get engaged here.

No worries! My crap-tastic taste in men is still alive and well! Just because I haven't been takin' off any clothes for anyone in at least 2 weeks, doesn't mean that I'm not still a Dickhead magnet! Saturday night- party on the roof of a lovely Battery Park City apartment building. Sitting around a table, minding my own business, snarfing on the chips and guacamole with a couple of good girlfriends. Boys come, they join us. One of them becomes particularly enamored of me. He tells me he wants to "date me". I'm serious. He asks me to play tennis with him. He asks me if he can jog around the reservoir with me. No, No and No. Thanks. He then proceeded to continue these shenanigans with multiple other girls at the party. I actually have to confess, I would have gone out with him if a time and date had ever been established. But after learning of his deranged come-ons to everyone else with estrogen, I was very pleased that nothing concrete had ever been determined. I escaped his Dickhead cluthes, narrowly. Hopefully next time I will be able to indentify the Dickhead gene sooner. Next time, I won't even consider going out with the Dickhead and progress will be made! I'm learning! I'm growing!

So, that's about it for the excitement of my weekend. Except I was at a dinner party last night where my best friend got bench-pressed by a very handsome, muscular man, who is way too nice for my taste. That was a lot of fun.

Can I make a confession? You all have to promise not to judge me. I am minorly obsessed with Missed Connections on Craigs List. I love it. I read it almost daily. People see people that they are attracted to, don't say anything to them, but then post something on this website trying to find them. I love it! Anyway. I had a missed connection on Friday morning on the subway. I posted about it! I can't even believe I did that! That is so not me! Anyway, I've had a couple of responses, and I'm not sure which one is the right one, but the potential is so exciting, it's all I can do not to jump out of my seat.

And..... wrap!

Um, not a lot to say today. I officially HATE Mail-Room Guy. I cannot believe how much time I spent lusting after him! He walks by my desk like he thinks he's a rock star. This infuriates me. I feel strongly that he needs to be removed permanently from the society of women altogether. And, I'm done with this subject.

I want to go home and see my family. I have 2 brothers, and one sister. All are married and procreating. They are a barrel of fun. I tend to be loud and obnoxious and I am easily the quietest member of my family, if that tells you anything. My nieces are the apples of my eye and my nephews are all going to be the handsomest men ever. I miss them. I don't get home very much due to a serious lack of vacation time and it takes forever to fly there from New York. I miss them. I crave them. My brothers are big and tall and handsome, and my sister and I are practically identical, so of course, she is a babe. They are the most important people in the world to me. I should live closer to them, but once a person has lived in New York City, how can they ever go back to Small Town? It's a real dilemma, let me tell you.

Okay. I'm outta here. Tonight- I'm getting Indian Food and NO ONE is stopping me.

I just bought seven tickets to Yankee games for this year. By the end of October (they will be in the play-offs), this man will be my husband.

One of our executive vice-presidents of our company just brought me all of her leftover edamame because she remembered me once saying how much I loved it. I've caught the attention of an executive vice-president! I will quickly rise throught ranks and become a very important person in the company, I can feel it! I owe it all to edamame!

Other food that I LOVE:
Doritos- seriously, these are manna from the Gods. I love all things crunchy, but Doritos are the number 1 favorite crunchy food
Cheesecake
French Fries- my favorite place in the entire universe, Pomme Frites in the East Village. The best french fries ON the PLANET and about 40 different dipping sauces. This tiny little shop is a wood-paneled orgasm
Honey-Roasted Peanut Butter- sinfully delicious, particularly the chunky kind

Clearly, I am not a health nut. I do make the attempt and have baby-spinach salads on the occasion and a yogurt with my slice of pizza. But overall, I would live off of nothing but junk food if I could without giving myself a coronary by the time I'm 30.

He's back. Mr. Wrong is back. I'm all adither. I've wanted him for so unbearably long. I used to see him and my stomach would do the flippy-flop thing. Now, I can have him. And it freaks me out. And he's a dirt-bag, so I shouldn't want him. He's untrustworthy. He treats women like sex objects. I will stop wanting him. I will. I will make myself stop wanting. I will remember all of the reasons that he is undesirable.

I ran 3 hard miles last night after not running for at least 2 and a half weeks. Today, my legs feel like they're going to fall off. Maybe next time, I'll ease back into the running a little slower and stop trying to beat my fastest time. My ass hurts!

I'm bored. I've got a ton of work to do and no will power to do it.

Labels: Mr. Wrong

I was asked an interesting question today. My darling friend, (who I am forever bonded with after he witnessed me walk smack into a glass wall today, thinking that it was an open door), wanted to know how I felt that 27 was going. I don't know how to answer that question. My 27th birthday sent me into a tailspin of personal angst. It was that birthday which pushed me careening, roller-coaster style, toward losing my virginity. Suddenly, I wasn't just a 20-something virgin, I was an almost-30-year-old virgin. That crosses over from wow-that-takes-self-control status, to just plain LOSER status. I KNOW that I need to just take this one day at a time, and that I need to stop obsessing about it and that the right opportunity will eventually present itself. But that doesn't mean that I can. I've got a blow-torch under my ass and an overwhelming sense of urgency to just get it over with.

Last night I was doing laundry. I went to the deli/bodega next door to get myself some Fanta while I waited. Transcript of actual conversation that took place between me and a cute boy:

Cute Boy: Hi, how are you?
Me: Fine, how are you?
Cute Boy: I'm all right. How was your Memorial Day weekend?
Me: It was lovely, how was yours?
Cute Boy: It was all right. I got to meet some family I had never met before.
Me: Oh, well, that's gotta be exciting.
Cute Boy: Not really...... I got stabbed.
Me: (stammering) I'm sorry, did you just say you got stabbed?
Cute Boy: Yeah, right here in the shoulder
Me: Well, good luck with that stab wound.

That, folks, is my neighborhood in a nutshell. Try to control the jealousy.