The Virginity Monologues

I just broke up with Cam.

It's been a rough couple of days for us, and I don't want to do it anymore.

I deserve better.

He asked for one last night. So tomorrow night, we'll say our goodbyes and then I'll walk away.

Labels: Cam

Tomorrow night- Cam and I had plans to go to a Knicks game. I've been looking forward to this night for a long, long time. I had all sorts of fun ideas in my head about us kissing over good plays, holding hands on the way to the subway, then going back to his place together and falling asleep with him holding me tight, like always. Content that, for once, I was actually in a relatinoship that was going somewhere.

I wanted this night to happen. I wanted to know that he wanted to do things with me besides hang out at his place and have sex when he's in the mood for it.

The Knicks game was a perfect opportunity. He loves basketball. He talked about how he hadn't been to a game in about 10 years. A friend of mine has season tickets that she sometimes gives me some, and when I mentioned that I had the potential to get tickets, he was like a kid on Christmas morning. Ecstatic.

My friend, unfortunately did not have any tickets to give away any time soon. So, I used a gift certificate to Ticketmaster that I got from a vendor, and bought us tickets to a Knicks game after I confirmed with Cam a night that would work. He doesn't know I bought them. He thinks they were given to me.

He bailed on me.

The day before the game he tells me that he has to go out to Brooklyn to talk to his dad.

BULLSHIT!!!!!

His parents have become a convenient excuse any time I push the boundaries of this relationship, which are essentially the walls of his apartment. The night of my birthday party? He conveniently has to go to Brooklyn to be with his mom. The night that we've been planning to go to a Knicks game for about 3 weeks? He has to go to Brooklyn to talk to his dad.

I think it's time for this relationship to be over.

I'm tired of being his Girl of Convenience.

I'd rather be alone.

Heaven knows I know how to do that.

Labels: Cam

Reason Why I Love My Life #478


I just got back from a sample sale where I purchased-

Originally $495, I got them for a mere $40.








Originally $395, also a mere $40 out of my pocket.


And I got an italian cashmere hat, originally $275. Lucky me, only paid $27.

I am in a dangerous place.

I can't escape my mind and it's myriad of irrationalities.

Nothing new to report with Scott. We've barely spoken and haven't seen each other since last week. I knew he wouldn't be different. Maybe I just needed that one last time to get him out of my system? I don't know. I do know that I am caring less and less every day.

I stayed at Cam's last night. We hadn't seen each other in over a week and I was missing him something fierce. We hung out, we laughed a lot. He just fell asleep. Again. It took me forever to fall asleep as I laid there trying desperately to figure out if he just found me repulsive or what? Seriously, was I just there for snuggling purposes? That didn't seem right to me. But seriously, when we haven't seen each other in over a week, I expected to be ravished. And yet, there I was ravish-free. I wanted to leave. Again. But I forced myself to stay.

Around 5:30 am, I woke to a hand snaking around and not so steathily removing my undies. It was slow and lazy and almost everything that I fantasize that sex should be (when I'm not fantasizing about being thrown up against a wall and ravished).

I fell back asleep content.

Today, I'm afraid.

After all the events of the last week, I have decided that it's Cam that I want to pursue, wholeheartedly. He is obviously the better man. In the 3 months that we've been seeing each other, he has never hurt me or disappointed me. All the times that I have cried have been because I am an insecure idiot who's terrible in relationships (admitting it is the first step...).

So now I have to take that leap.

And trust.

And risk.

The two dirtiest words in the English language, in my opinion.

What if he's not attracted to me? What if he doesn't really like me and I'm just convenient for him? What if he can't love me the way that I can love him? What if he doesn't want to date me seriously?

what if?

Today's Title from: More than Anyone by Gavin DeGraw

Labels: Cam, Scott

4:32 am

I am sitting at the kitchen table, eating a halal chicken patty and Eggo's, when the Sunny D container comes out of the fridge. I gulp down the rest of my drink and hand my cup to.....

Scott

and say, "hit me!"

I realize that I am as raw and exposed in this moment as I have ever been in my life, and I don't just mean physically, since I am garbed in only a tank top and panties.

I mean that I have no defenses left. My walls are all down, and this is the truest version of me that I am ever going to be.

And it's Scott that's witnessing it.

Maybe it was because was as if our last 6 hours together had felt like a hard fought battle and my defensive strategy is gone. Obliterated while I laid in Scott's arms crying as I told him all the times that he had hurt me in the last year, heart-breaking while I listened to him tell me about his mother, his family, the life that forced him to grow up so quickly and feel his arms tighten around me as he begs me to have patience with him.

"I don't know what I'm going to do with you," I tell him. And I mean it.

Words mean nothing to me anymore.

After we become physically reacquainted with each other for the second time that night, I have to rush to the bathroom so he won't see me cry again.

I cry because even though we have never said words of exclusivity and I often feel as if he is only with me because he just wants to be with someone and I happen to be handy, I feel as if I have betrayed Cam. I cry because Cam's idea of foreplay is to wait until I'm done blowing him and say, "Take your clothes off, I'll get the condom," and Scott makes it last about 20-30 minutes. Foreplay, that is. Don't get me started on the rest. I cry because I am angry at myself for being here again, for feeling a wave of nostalgia when I walked into his apartment for all the times that I had been there previously. And I cry because when I asked him why he keeps coming back, he said, "Because you're illuminating."

Shouldn't love be easier than this?

Today's Title from: Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough by Don Henly and Patty Smyth

Labels: Scott

Winter has officially hit New York City. Last night, I stood on a median in the middle of Houston (pronounced How-ston) St, using Email Boy as a shield against the blustering winds, with tears streaming down my face from the cold (my eyes are very sensitive), whining at the top of my lungs about how frigging cold I was.

I may have been cold, but I was also triumphant. After months of eating only at IHOP because Email Boy is a bit of a finicky eater, I talked him into Indian food last night, mostly because we were seeing a movie at a theater on Houston and my favorite Indian place is right there. If the movie had been playing anywhere uptown, I'm sure IHOP would have been the designated dinner place.

At the Indian restaurant, Email Boy let me be in charge of the ordering, although he then proceeded to argue with me on my choices. Once the food arrived, he devoured the appetizers, finished all of his food and half of mine. By the end of the meal he was forced to admit that I am a far superior diner than him and that he must bow to all of my demands regarding food from now on.

Then we went and saw Volver, which I have to admit, I didn't really get, but that's partly because I fell asleep. Indian food does that to me. Plus I was exhausted from not getting any sleep at Cam's the night before, as he had been restless and had kept me up all night with his tossing and turning and making an entire meal which involved the microwave at 1 am.

Confession: I am wearing a thong today. I used to be repulsed by them. I have officially been converted. Plus I love the no-panty-line result.

Today's Title from: Baby It's Cold Outside, by Dinah Shore and somebody else that I can't remember.

It was a quiet and restful weekend. I spent an inordinate amount of time doing nothing. And I did a thorough room-clean and FINALLY got a radiator installed in my bedroom, so now that it is super clean and warm, I wanted to spend as much time in it as possible!

Karen and I spent a lot of time together. The more time I spend with her, the more excited I get about her moving in in a few weeks. I know that she worries about me getting tired of her, but I don't see how that's even remotely possible. Hello?!?! There's a reason she's my best friend, and it's not just cause she's cute. Sheesh.

Everything seems to have settled with Cam. We talked everyday over the weekend and I stayed at his place last night. We cuddled up on his bed and watched The Departed while eating Haagan Daaz bars. Then after we had sex, as we were laying there, he reached over and ran his fingers over my face and across my neck, as if wanting to memorize them with his touch. Then he pulled me in close to spoon, touching from head to toe, with his arm holding me tight.

Our morning routine is always the same. After his alarm goes off, he gets up and gets in the shower, talking to me as little as possible (since I am likely to bite his head off if I feel there is too much talking going on). While he is in the shower, I get out of bed and go home. Since I live pretty close, it's easier for me to just go home in the morning to get ready instead of lugging my crap back and forth to his house. So, before he got in the shower this morning, he leaned down and kissed me all over my face, braving my morning grumps to make sure he said goodbye to me.

Are we fast becoming a real couple?
Probably.

Does that absolutely terrify me?
Definitely

Today's Title from: Belief by Gavin DeGraw

Labels: Cam

Ahem.

I may done something tragically stupid last night.

Cam called me and asked me to come over. So I shave all the important places and head over. We hang out, talking, listening to music, arguing over whether or not fancy-pants steakhouses serve beer- which we never settled. Does anyone know? Around 12ish, he turned off the TV, turned out the lights and crawled into bed next to me. He then pulled me close and FELL ASLEEP.

My mind went into straight-up panic mode.

Why did he not want to have sex with me? Was he no longer attracted to me? Why was I there? Is it that I didn't wear any makeup and now he thinks I'm hideous? Did he want me to go home? What the hell is going on?

And as a disclaimer I have to tell you that I've also been insecure about being attractive enough for Cam. Cam is handsome and has an absolutely phenomenal body. I worry (often) that I am not on his attractiveness level.

And so, I laid there in the dark, listening to Cam snoring, letting all my insecurities march across my mind. Growing more and more restless with each passing second.

I couldn't take it anymore, I had to go home.

Me: I'm going home.
Cam: What? Why are you leaving?
Me: Cause I sleep better in my own bed.
Cam: Oh, you sleep better in your own bed now, huh?
Me (softly, trying desperately not to cry): what do you want me to say?
Cam: Say whatever you want to say.

I finish putting on my shoes and coat and head for the door.

Cam: You're really leaving?
Me: Yes. I'm leaving.

I make it outside before I start crying. Certain that not only does he find me sexually repulsive, but that I have also ruined everything by just leaving in the middle of the night.

Abby and Michelle both listen to me absolutely lose it and assure me that him not touching me is actually a good thing. It means that he wants more from me than just physical, that there is more to this relationship than just sex.

Which also freaks me out. I'm terrified of letting myself become emotionally vulnerable, of giving him the ability to hurt me.

I cried for a long time.

Somehow I managed to go to sleep.

This morning over IM, he asked me what happened last night and I told him that I just wanted to sleep in my own bed.

Things are fine, I guess. We made plans to go to a Knicks game. He seemed to accept my reason for leaving.

But I can't escape the nagging thoughts in the back of my head that he really just doesn't want me anymore.

Today's Title from: I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt

Labels: Cam

Saturday night, January 6th.

I am standing at the bar talking to Email Boy, and his friend, George. Email Boy says something that makes me laugh, and I throw my arms around his neck and turn to George and say, "I love Email Boy!"

I feel his arms slip around my waist and squeeze me tight, "And I love Chloe," he says.

How did we get here? I wonder. Two years ago, I would have gladly handed this man my virginity. I fantasized about it approximately 200 times a day. I obsessed over every communication. I counted the minutes until he responded to my emails. And a text from him sent me over the moon with happiness.

Somewhere along the way he has become someone that I absolutely cannot live without. Now, if he doesn't respond to my emails I call him and berate him for neglecting me. Now he texts me regularly at 7 am, and I want to kill him for it, especially when I am in another time zone and he's testing me to see if I turned off my phone. We tell each other everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. I asked him once if he tells anyone else the details he so willingly shares with me, and the answer is no.

He once was telling me about a girl he met, he describes her as having the most amazing personality and then says that hanging out with her is like hanging out with me.

I could call him and cry on his shoulder. I don't. But I could.

2 years ago, I probably would have been pissed to learn that our current relationship would be the outcome of my obsessive love for this man.

But I couldn't be happier about how things have turned out. I don't believe for one second that there is any sex that is better than knowing that he is there when/if I need him.

Today's Title from: Amazing by Aerosmith

Labels: Email Boy

I have felt alone lately. At times it has been almost suffocating. I've questioned everything about myself, and at times wondered if all of this is even worth it.

All of that changed last night.

First of all, I had a great birthday. I felt loved and cherished by everyone important to me. I had a great dinner with the greatest friends a girl could ask for at my most favorite restaurant, and I couldn't have been happier about the outcome of the day.

After dinner, Cam and I had planned for me to come over to his house. I called him when I got home, and he sounded frazzled. He needed to reschedule because a friend of his had gotten shot. We've talked before about the area and circumstances in which he grew up, and from what I know, the possibility that this story is true is very valid.

But, I have heard this excuse before from Scott and it was definitely a fabrication. And I have to confess, I didn't believe Cam.

I am getting ready for bed, hanging out with my roommates, when my phone rings.

Cam.

He's upset. He doesn't want to be alone. He needs to talk. Will I come over?

I swallow my guilt at having doubted him, when he has never given me any reason to, and climb into a cab.

We stayed up late, him holding me as close as possible. Just talking. About everything and nothing. He told me stories about his friend and the stupid stuff they did as kids. My heart breaks for the emotion that he's showing me and the emotion I know he's holding back. I am horrified that this has happened to him, but ecstatic that in this time, I was the one he wanted to be with. And I finally understand that needing someone and letting them see me vulnerable (other than my best friend, Karen, obviously) maybe isn't so bad. When Cam showed me that he needed me, I couldn't have been happier to oblige. I didn't even hesistate. Why should I let myself continue to believe that he wouldn't be willing to do the same for me?

When we both finally fell asleep, he pulled me close and didn't let go all night.

Today's Title from: I'll Stand By You by The Pretenders

Labels: Cam

Today is my birthday.

It's barely 10, and I already had a breakfast party and received a bouquet flowers and a bottle of wine.

It makes me feel better that the party on Saturday night did not quite go as planned. It was a good night, in all. And now I know who my real friends are. Marc was there. We ended up taking a cab home together, but nothing happened. I'm beginning to realize that I think that this one is never going to be anything more than a fantasy. And maybe it's better that way.

I am officially done with Scott for good. I know that I keep saying this, but this time I genuinely really mean it. I have already blocked him on IM, and if I could figure out how to block his phone number, I would do it. I officially hate him and it feels good.

Karen and I were talking last night and it was funny to hear her say that her resolution for this year is to be more open to dating and relationships. Mine is the exact opposite. My resolution is to stop believing that they all have potential, that they're all good guys, and to keep my heart as locked up as humanly possible.

I refuse to hurt anymore. I refuse to give anyone that right. From here on out, I will be Cold-Hearted Chloe.

I may rethink that in the future. But I think it's going to do me some good right now. At the very least, I will probably stop crying.

Today's Title from: Cold Hearted by Paula Abdul

I got my birthday present from my sister yesterday, I couldn't be happier with it. She's the absolute best. And I'm not just saying that because she reads this blog. Hi Tiffy!

My birthday party/gathering is taking place tomorrow night. I am equal parts pee-my-pants excited and terrified that no will show and that I will have to face the reality that I just might not have any friends. The horror!

I'm stuck in a bit of a funk. I have my on days, but I'm also having some very serious OFF days. The tears have been copious in the last few weeks and it takes almost nothing to set me off. The touble mainly centers around one word- Alone. I feel it. Acutely. I'm terrified at the prospect of turning 30 (one year away) and still being in the exact same place I am in now- terrible at dating and still having to admit that I have never had a REAL long-term relationship. Ever. Doesn't that sound exciting?

Here's hoping the birthday party is hopping with friends who love me, and that I get out of this funk by the end of the weekend.....

Today's Title from: So Tired of Being Alone by Al Green

I stayed at Cam's last night and this morning, he may have gotten too much of an insight into how much I am NOT a morning person. I did warn him though.

Overall, I can't complain about my relationship with Cam. He's there when I need him. The sex is pretty good most of the time (last night being an exception) and he loves to snuggle.

He'll do, for now. I suppose.

I heard from Scott yesterday. Here's my letter in response to our conversation yesterday.

Dear Mr. King-of-Making-Promises-That-You-Can't Keep-

I read your blog post on your myspace page. The one where you acknowledged that you haven't always been a great guy over the last year and that you lost some important people because of it. I'm not going to presume to that you're talking about me. Then you made a fairly bold (and unrealistic, in my opinion) promise to strive to be a better man in the next year.

Does telling me how much you miss me, and talking about us seeing each other again, then promising to call me to disuss things, then NEVER actually calling- fall into the category of Being a Better Man?

CAUSE I DON'T THINK SO.

I put up with a lot of shit from you. Way too much. I made excuses. I rationalized absolutely ridiculous behavior. Because I loved you. And I kept thinking that if I just stuck it out, it would have to get better, and that you would eventually realize what an absolute gem I really am. Never underestimate the power of denial in a woman.

I cannot believe that after all this time, you're still fucking with my head and my heart. And that I am still letting you.

My New Year's Resolution? To not cry one more god-damned tear over your sorry ass.

Smooches-
Chloe

Today's Title from: Run to You by Whitney Houston

Labels: Cam, Scott