Thursday, January 25, 2007
Tell me all you need and I will try
I am in a dangerous place.
I can't escape my mind and it's myriad of irrationalities.
Nothing new to report with Scott. We've barely spoken and haven't seen each other since last week. I knew he wouldn't be different. Maybe I just needed that one last time to get him out of my system? I don't know. I do know that I am caring less and less every day.
I stayed at Cam's last night. We hadn't seen each other in over a week and I was missing him something fierce. We hung out, we laughed a lot. He just fell asleep. Again. It took me forever to fall asleep as I laid there trying desperately to figure out if he just found me repulsive or what? Seriously, was I just there for snuggling purposes? That didn't seem right to me. But seriously, when we haven't seen each other in over a week, I expected to be ravished. And yet, there I was ravish-free. I wanted to leave. Again. But I forced myself to stay.
Around 5:30 am, I woke to a hand snaking around and not so steathily removing my undies. It was slow and lazy and almost everything that I fantasize that sex should be (when I'm not fantasizing about being thrown up against a wall and ravished).
I fell back asleep content.
Today, I'm afraid.
After all the events of the last week, I have decided that it's Cam that I want to pursue, wholeheartedly. He is obviously the better man. In the 3 months that we've been seeing each other, he has never hurt me or disappointed me. All the times that I have cried have been because I am an insecure idiot who's terrible in relationships (admitting it is the first step...).
So now I have to take that leap.
And trust.
And risk.
The two dirtiest words in the English language, in my opinion.
What if he's not attracted to me? What if he doesn't really like me and I'm just convenient for him? What if he can't love me the way that I can love him? What if he doesn't want to date me seriously?
what if?
Today's Title from: More than Anyone by Gavin DeGraw
I can't escape my mind and it's myriad of irrationalities.
Nothing new to report with Scott. We've barely spoken and haven't seen each other since last week. I knew he wouldn't be different. Maybe I just needed that one last time to get him out of my system? I don't know. I do know that I am caring less and less every day.
I stayed at Cam's last night. We hadn't seen each other in over a week and I was missing him something fierce. We hung out, we laughed a lot. He just fell asleep. Again. It took me forever to fall asleep as I laid there trying desperately to figure out if he just found me repulsive or what? Seriously, was I just there for snuggling purposes? That didn't seem right to me. But seriously, when we haven't seen each other in over a week, I expected to be ravished. And yet, there I was ravish-free. I wanted to leave. Again. But I forced myself to stay.
Around 5:30 am, I woke to a hand snaking around and not so steathily removing my undies. It was slow and lazy and almost everything that I fantasize that sex should be (when I'm not fantasizing about being thrown up against a wall and ravished).
I fell back asleep content.
Today, I'm afraid.
After all the events of the last week, I have decided that it's Cam that I want to pursue, wholeheartedly. He is obviously the better man. In the 3 months that we've been seeing each other, he has never hurt me or disappointed me. All the times that I have cried have been because I am an insecure idiot who's terrible in relationships (admitting it is the first step...).
So now I have to take that leap.
And trust.
And risk.
The two dirtiest words in the English language, in my opinion.
What if he's not attracted to me? What if he doesn't really like me and I'm just convenient for him? What if he can't love me the way that I can love him? What if he doesn't want to date me seriously?
what if?
Today's Title from: More than Anyone by Gavin DeGraw
