Friday, January 12, 2007
Turn down these voices inside my head
Ahem.
I may done something tragically stupid last night.
Cam called me and asked me to come over. So I shave all the important places and head over. We hang out, talking, listening to music, arguing over whether or not fancy-pants steakhouses serve beer- which we never settled. Does anyone know? Around 12ish, he turned off the TV, turned out the lights and crawled into bed next to me. He then pulled me close and FELL ASLEEP.
My mind went into straight-up panic mode.
Why did he not want to have sex with me? Was he no longer attracted to me? Why was I there? Is it that I didn't wear any makeup and now he thinks I'm hideous? Did he want me to go home? What the hell is going on?
And as a disclaimer I have to tell you that I've also been insecure about being attractive enough for Cam. Cam is handsome and has an absolutely phenomenal body. I worry (often) that I am not on his attractiveness level.
And so, I laid there in the dark, listening to Cam snoring, letting all my insecurities march across my mind. Growing more and more restless with each passing second.
I couldn't take it anymore, I had to go home.
Me: I'm going home.
Cam: What? Why are you leaving?
Me: Cause I sleep better in my own bed.
Cam: Oh, you sleep better in your own bed now, huh?
Me (softly, trying desperately not to cry): what do you want me to say?
Cam: Say whatever you want to say.
I finish putting on my shoes and coat and head for the door.
Cam: You're really leaving?
Me: Yes. I'm leaving.
I make it outside before I start crying. Certain that not only does he find me sexually repulsive, but that I have also ruined everything by just leaving in the middle of the night.
Abby and Michelle both listen to me absolutely lose it and assure me that him not touching me is actually a good thing. It means that he wants more from me than just physical, that there is more to this relationship than just sex.
Which also freaks me out. I'm terrified of letting myself become emotionally vulnerable, of giving him the ability to hurt me.
I cried for a long time.
Somehow I managed to go to sleep.
This morning over IM, he asked me what happened last night and I told him that I just wanted to sleep in my own bed.
Things are fine, I guess. We made plans to go to a Knicks game. He seemed to accept my reason for leaving.
But I can't escape the nagging thoughts in the back of my head that he really just doesn't want me anymore.
Today's Title from: I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt
I may done something tragically stupid last night.
Cam called me and asked me to come over. So I shave all the important places and head over. We hang out, talking, listening to music, arguing over whether or not fancy-pants steakhouses serve beer- which we never settled. Does anyone know? Around 12ish, he turned off the TV, turned out the lights and crawled into bed next to me. He then pulled me close and FELL ASLEEP.
My mind went into straight-up panic mode.
Why did he not want to have sex with me? Was he no longer attracted to me? Why was I there? Is it that I didn't wear any makeup and now he thinks I'm hideous? Did he want me to go home? What the hell is going on?
And as a disclaimer I have to tell you that I've also been insecure about being attractive enough for Cam. Cam is handsome and has an absolutely phenomenal body. I worry (often) that I am not on his attractiveness level.
And so, I laid there in the dark, listening to Cam snoring, letting all my insecurities march across my mind. Growing more and more restless with each passing second.
I couldn't take it anymore, I had to go home.
Me: I'm going home.
Cam: What? Why are you leaving?
Me: Cause I sleep better in my own bed.
Cam: Oh, you sleep better in your own bed now, huh?
Me (softly, trying desperately not to cry): what do you want me to say?
Cam: Say whatever you want to say.
I finish putting on my shoes and coat and head for the door.
Cam: You're really leaving?
Me: Yes. I'm leaving.
I make it outside before I start crying. Certain that not only does he find me sexually repulsive, but that I have also ruined everything by just leaving in the middle of the night.
Abby and Michelle both listen to me absolutely lose it and assure me that him not touching me is actually a good thing. It means that he wants more from me than just physical, that there is more to this relationship than just sex.
Which also freaks me out. I'm terrified of letting myself become emotionally vulnerable, of giving him the ability to hurt me.
I cried for a long time.
Somehow I managed to go to sleep.
This morning over IM, he asked me what happened last night and I told him that I just wanted to sleep in my own bed.
Things are fine, I guess. We made plans to go to a Knicks game. He seemed to accept my reason for leaving.
But I can't escape the nagging thoughts in the back of my head that he really just doesn't want me anymore.
Today's Title from: I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt
Labels: Cam
