Friday, January 19, 2007
There's a danger in loving somebody too much
4:32 am
I am sitting at the kitchen table, eating a halal chicken patty and Eggo's, when the Sunny D container comes out of the fridge. I gulp down the rest of my drink and hand my cup to.....
Scott
and say, "hit me!"
I realize that I am as raw and exposed in this moment as I have ever been in my life, and I don't just mean physically, since I am garbed in only a tank top and panties.
I mean that I have no defenses left. My walls are all down, and this is the truest version of me that I am ever going to be.
And it's Scott that's witnessing it.
Maybe it was because was as if our last 6 hours together had felt like a hard fought battle and my defensive strategy is gone. Obliterated while I laid in Scott's arms crying as I told him all the times that he had hurt me in the last year, heart-breaking while I listened to him tell me about his mother, his family, the life that forced him to grow up so quickly and feel his arms tighten around me as he begs me to have patience with him.
"I don't know what I'm going to do with you," I tell him. And I mean it.
Words mean nothing to me anymore.
After we become physically reacquainted with each other for the second time that night, I have to rush to the bathroom so he won't see me cry again.
I cry because even though we have never said words of exclusivity and I often feel as if he is only with me because he just wants to be with someone and I happen to be handy, I feel as if I have betrayed Cam. I cry because Cam's idea of foreplay is to wait until I'm done blowing him and say, "Take your clothes off, I'll get the condom," and Scott makes it last about 20-30 minutes. Foreplay, that is. Don't get me started on the rest. I cry because I am angry at myself for being here again, for feeling a wave of nostalgia when I walked into his apartment for all the times that I had been there previously. And I cry because when I asked him why he keeps coming back, he said, "Because you're illuminating."
Shouldn't love be easier than this?
Today's Title from: Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough by Don Henly and Patty Smyth
I am sitting at the kitchen table, eating a halal chicken patty and Eggo's, when the Sunny D container comes out of the fridge. I gulp down the rest of my drink and hand my cup to.....
Scott
and say, "hit me!"
I realize that I am as raw and exposed in this moment as I have ever been in my life, and I don't just mean physically, since I am garbed in only a tank top and panties.
I mean that I have no defenses left. My walls are all down, and this is the truest version of me that I am ever going to be.
And it's Scott that's witnessing it.
Maybe it was because was as if our last 6 hours together had felt like a hard fought battle and my defensive strategy is gone. Obliterated while I laid in Scott's arms crying as I told him all the times that he had hurt me in the last year, heart-breaking while I listened to him tell me about his mother, his family, the life that forced him to grow up so quickly and feel his arms tighten around me as he begs me to have patience with him.
"I don't know what I'm going to do with you," I tell him. And I mean it.
Words mean nothing to me anymore.
After we become physically reacquainted with each other for the second time that night, I have to rush to the bathroom so he won't see me cry again.
I cry because even though we have never said words of exclusivity and I often feel as if he is only with me because he just wants to be with someone and I happen to be handy, I feel as if I have betrayed Cam. I cry because Cam's idea of foreplay is to wait until I'm done blowing him and say, "Take your clothes off, I'll get the condom," and Scott makes it last about 20-30 minutes. Foreplay, that is. Don't get me started on the rest. I cry because I am angry at myself for being here again, for feeling a wave of nostalgia when I walked into his apartment for all the times that I had been there previously. And I cry because when I asked him why he keeps coming back, he said, "Because you're illuminating."
Shouldn't love be easier than this?
Today's Title from: Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough by Don Henly and Patty Smyth
Labels: Scott
Posted by Chloe
at 1:20 PM |
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