Tuesday, November 14, 2006
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny
The truth is, I still believe in love. Real love. The kind that lasts forever. I see it often. I see it when my friend Shaun talks to me about his wife. Or in the eyes of couples that I see on the subway some days.
I’ve just stopped believing that it will happen to me.
This isn’t a cry for pity or reassurances that SOMEDAY it will happen for me. Really, it’s just an attempt to be honest with myself.
I’m not the kind of girl who inspires that level of real love in men, or really in other people. I'm 28 years old (almost 29) and no man has ever really loved me. I don’t think one ever will. Once a man wanted to marry me. But he just wanted to get married. Less than a year after I ended our relationship, he was married to another woman. Once I had a REAL boyfriend. After 3 months, he was done with me, not willing to fight for something that I thought was pretty damn special.
I could go on and on about all the people that haven’t loved me. My father. My brothers. Marshall. Mike. Dave. Steve. Wes. John. Patrick. Paul. Jeremy. Brian. Etc. Etc.
It all boils down to one universal truth.
Men want to fuck me.
But they don’t want to love me.
They don’t want to sleep next to me every night.
They don’t want me to be the mother of their children.
They don’t want to know the total comfort of being with me- without any pretenses or facades.
They don’t think I’m beautiful, no matter what.
They don’t want to go to baseball games with me. (I had tickets to Game 7 of the NLCS for Christ’s sake and I had to beg my best friend to go with me so I didn’t have to go alone)
They don’t want to be there for me when I’ve had a bad day and vice versa.
They don’t remember the little things that I love (orchids, French fries, mojitos, U2, shoes, books, maps) and find ways to give them to me.
They just don’t.
Don’t tell me it’s going to be okay. Don’t tell me I’ll eventually find someone. Don’t tell me it’ll just happen when I’m not looking/where I least expect it.
I don’t want to hear that bullshit anymore.
I want to be happy with myself, exactly how I am, and never expect anything more.
Today's Title from: The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill by Lauryn Hill (obviously)
I’ve just stopped believing that it will happen to me.
This isn’t a cry for pity or reassurances that SOMEDAY it will happen for me. Really, it’s just an attempt to be honest with myself.
I’m not the kind of girl who inspires that level of real love in men, or really in other people. I'm 28 years old (almost 29) and no man has ever really loved me. I don’t think one ever will. Once a man wanted to marry me. But he just wanted to get married. Less than a year after I ended our relationship, he was married to another woman. Once I had a REAL boyfriend. After 3 months, he was done with me, not willing to fight for something that I thought was pretty damn special.
I could go on and on about all the people that haven’t loved me. My father. My brothers. Marshall. Mike. Dave. Steve. Wes. John. Patrick. Paul. Jeremy. Brian. Etc. Etc.
It all boils down to one universal truth.
Men want to fuck me.
But they don’t want to love me.
They don’t want to sleep next to me every night.
They don’t want me to be the mother of their children.
They don’t want to know the total comfort of being with me- without any pretenses or facades.
They don’t think I’m beautiful, no matter what.
They don’t want to go to baseball games with me. (I had tickets to Game 7 of the NLCS for Christ’s sake and I had to beg my best friend to go with me so I didn’t have to go alone)
They don’t want to be there for me when I’ve had a bad day and vice versa.
They don’t remember the little things that I love (orchids, French fries, mojitos, U2, shoes, books, maps) and find ways to give them to me.
They just don’t.
Don’t tell me it’s going to be okay. Don’t tell me I’ll eventually find someone. Don’t tell me it’ll just happen when I’m not looking/where I least expect it.
I don’t want to hear that bullshit anymore.
I want to be happy with myself, exactly how I am, and never expect anything more.
Today's Title from: The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill by Lauryn Hill (obviously)
Posted by Chloe
at 4:51 PM |
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