Saturday, August 11, 2007
I just want you to find me, I'm not lost, just undiscovered
My boyfriend wants me to talk about my feelings more.
After arriving home from a bachelor's party on Thursday night/Friday morning, I got a 5 am phone call from Oscar. Knowing he had blown off our plans the night before for the forgotten bachelor's party, he knew he had some kissing ass to do.
After talking for about an hour, then realizing that neither of us had to work the next day, he decides to come and get me. At 6 am.
In the car on the way back to his place, he prods me very directly about how I feel about him.
"I like you. I've agreed not to sleep with anybody else, and I don't want to sleep with anybody else. What more do you need to know?" I said.
He heaves a big sigh across the car.
"You know what that's like when you tell me that? That's like running 3 miles, and going for your water, only to find the glass of water empty. That's what it's like for me when you say that," he told me.
"I'm sorry. I don't like to be vulnerable," I respond.
"Well, you need to learn to start."
The rest of the trip is equally as painful for me. He asks me questions and I can formulate an answer in my head, but I can't make the words leave my mouth. I hedge. I evade. I turn the questions back around on him. He tells me that trying to get a straight answer out of me is like being in court. He claims to need a litigator just to get me to answer a damn question.
I can't tell him how afraid I am. I can't tell him that the reason I don't give him everything he wants is because I'm terrified that the second he finds out that every night that I'm not with him- I miss him and wish he was there, that I worry like crazy when I don't hear from him for a few days, that everytime I see him, I get butterflies in my stomach and that right now, there isn't anybody on earth that I want to be with more- he's going to do a runner. He's going to say, holy shit- I didn't sign on for this kind of emotion and take off.
I don't have any basis for thinking these will be his actions other than how these things have gone in my past. I knew immediately when the shift occured in my relationship with my ex. The shift where we both knew that I had grown to like him more than he liked me. And the end of the relationship came shortly thereafter.
I'm terrified of letting go of the upper hand.
And later, as we lay on his bed, just cuddling, and he talked of his feelings for me and he again reiterated that he wasn't letting me go anywhere, I smiled.
"I'm not going anywhere," I said.
Today's Title from: Undiscovered by James Morrison
After arriving home from a bachelor's party on Thursday night/Friday morning, I got a 5 am phone call from Oscar. Knowing he had blown off our plans the night before for the forgotten bachelor's party, he knew he had some kissing ass to do.
After talking for about an hour, then realizing that neither of us had to work the next day, he decides to come and get me. At 6 am.
In the car on the way back to his place, he prods me very directly about how I feel about him.
"I like you. I've agreed not to sleep with anybody else, and I don't want to sleep with anybody else. What more do you need to know?" I said.
He heaves a big sigh across the car.
"You know what that's like when you tell me that? That's like running 3 miles, and going for your water, only to find the glass of water empty. That's what it's like for me when you say that," he told me.
"I'm sorry. I don't like to be vulnerable," I respond.
"Well, you need to learn to start."
The rest of the trip is equally as painful for me. He asks me questions and I can formulate an answer in my head, but I can't make the words leave my mouth. I hedge. I evade. I turn the questions back around on him. He tells me that trying to get a straight answer out of me is like being in court. He claims to need a litigator just to get me to answer a damn question.
I can't tell him how afraid I am. I can't tell him that the reason I don't give him everything he wants is because I'm terrified that the second he finds out that every night that I'm not with him- I miss him and wish he was there, that I worry like crazy when I don't hear from him for a few days, that everytime I see him, I get butterflies in my stomach and that right now, there isn't anybody on earth that I want to be with more- he's going to do a runner. He's going to say, holy shit- I didn't sign on for this kind of emotion and take off.
I don't have any basis for thinking these will be his actions other than how these things have gone in my past. I knew immediately when the shift occured in my relationship with my ex. The shift where we both knew that I had grown to like him more than he liked me. And the end of the relationship came shortly thereafter.
I'm terrified of letting go of the upper hand.
And later, as we lay on his bed, just cuddling, and he talked of his feelings for me and he again reiterated that he wasn't letting me go anywhere, I smiled.
"I'm not going anywhere," I said.
Today's Title from: Undiscovered by James Morrison
Labels: Oscar
Posted by Chloe
at 9:28 AM |
Permalink to I just want you to find me, I'm not lost, just undiscovered |
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