Wednesday, August 01, 2007
He is what she's running from
Ladies and gentlemen- there is a glaring truth that is staring me in the face.
The reason for so many failed relationships on my part might not QUITE be completely to blame on the men involved as I have been attributing.
I stayed at Oscar's last night and a 'situation' occured. That I'm not going to get into the details because its extremely personal. It was no one's fault. But Oscar was pretty upset about it. He made it clear to me he was not mad at me, but upset at the situation. Other than being unusually quiet, he did nothing to indicate that he blamed me for what had happened.
But peeps, I am a girl FRAUGHT with insecurities. I laid there, mind whirling with ridiculous notions of him hating me and ending things and assuming that he really was mad at me even though he said he wasn't and being mad at him about that.
I was a HOT MESS.
And this was AFTER the long conversation that him and I had about his obligations and responsibilities these days, how overwhelmed he is and where he told me that I am the only person he actually makes time for, despite not really having any time to give.
This morning, I was still upset as I gathered my things to leave. He knew something was wrong and wouldn't let me leave until everything was resolved. I was quiet, having a hard time finding my voice for fear that I would break down in front of him. He spoke to me gently, apologizing despite there being no need for it. And even though my gut keeps telling me to just hold on, all I wanted to do was run. Run from my insecurities and the man forcing me to be vulnerable.
And besides, how do you tell the person you might be falling in love with that you're upset because you've got a one-way ticket on the Acela Express to Crazytown and THERE AREN'T ANY BRAKES?
I barely made it out of sight before I burst into tears. Why was I crying? I don't know! I don't have a good reason. Except that I have to stay. I can't run.
Even if I tried, I know he wouldn't actually let me go.
Today's Title from: He Can Only Hold Her by Amy Winehouse
The reason for so many failed relationships on my part might not QUITE be completely to blame on the men involved as I have been attributing.
I stayed at Oscar's last night and a 'situation' occured. That I'm not going to get into the details because its extremely personal. It was no one's fault. But Oscar was pretty upset about it. He made it clear to me he was not mad at me, but upset at the situation. Other than being unusually quiet, he did nothing to indicate that he blamed me for what had happened.
But peeps, I am a girl FRAUGHT with insecurities. I laid there, mind whirling with ridiculous notions of him hating me and ending things and assuming that he really was mad at me even though he said he wasn't and being mad at him about that.
I was a HOT MESS.
And this was AFTER the long conversation that him and I had about his obligations and responsibilities these days, how overwhelmed he is and where he told me that I am the only person he actually makes time for, despite not really having any time to give.
This morning, I was still upset as I gathered my things to leave. He knew something was wrong and wouldn't let me leave until everything was resolved. I was quiet, having a hard time finding my voice for fear that I would break down in front of him. He spoke to me gently, apologizing despite there being no need for it. And even though my gut keeps telling me to just hold on, all I wanted to do was run. Run from my insecurities and the man forcing me to be vulnerable.
And besides, how do you tell the person you might be falling in love with that you're upset because you've got a one-way ticket on the Acela Express to Crazytown and THERE AREN'T ANY BRAKES?
I barely made it out of sight before I burst into tears. Why was I crying? I don't know! I don't have a good reason. Except that I have to stay. I can't run.
Even if I tried, I know he wouldn't actually let me go.
Today's Title from: He Can Only Hold Her by Amy Winehouse
Labels: Oscar
