Tuesday, August 14, 2007
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn
I am strung really tight right now. My anxiety levels are at their peak and I haven't slept through the night in weeks.
My doctor gave me some coping techniques, but sometimes I'm too worked up to even concentrate enough to do them.
I go to court again tomorrow morning against my apartment management company. This should be the final showdown. I am nervous because this doesn't affect just me, but my 3 other roommates as well. I'm angry that things have gotten to this point and that people really can be this horrible.
I'm upset because I called Oscar last night, sad and needing him. Yes, I admit it, needing him. I wanted him there with me, but in the absence of the comforting presence of his arms, I just wanted to talk to him. I wanted to laugh about stupid things and work on our plan to have sex in a public place. He was so cute and adorable on the phone, on his way to his boy's house to watch a football game and promising to call me when he got home.
"Bye baby," he said.
And I was giddy and happy.
Until I woke up at midnight to the deafening silence of a phone not ringing, and didn't fall back asleep until 3. Then I woke up again at 6, even though my alarm doesn't go off until 7:30.
And in those hours of wakeful anticipation, I knew in my head all of the reasons why I was being a complete nutcase. I knew that he was with his boys and that anything is possible in those situations. I knew that he might have come home exhausted and fallen asleep on the couch as he is frequently wont to do. I knew that a promise to call isn't binding and that almost everyone I know doesn't always call when they say they will.
But I'm still strung tightly today. I find myself fighting tears at the most ridiculous moments and I am clinging to my plans for wine and tapas with Spatch tomorrow night like a life-line for when Things Will Be Normal Again.
Today's Title from: I Used to Love Him by Lauryn Hill
My doctor gave me some coping techniques, but sometimes I'm too worked up to even concentrate enough to do them.
I go to court again tomorrow morning against my apartment management company. This should be the final showdown. I am nervous because this doesn't affect just me, but my 3 other roommates as well. I'm angry that things have gotten to this point and that people really can be this horrible.
I'm upset because I called Oscar last night, sad and needing him. Yes, I admit it, needing him. I wanted him there with me, but in the absence of the comforting presence of his arms, I just wanted to talk to him. I wanted to laugh about stupid things and work on our plan to have sex in a public place. He was so cute and adorable on the phone, on his way to his boy's house to watch a football game and promising to call me when he got home.
"Bye baby," he said.
And I was giddy and happy.
Until I woke up at midnight to the deafening silence of a phone not ringing, and didn't fall back asleep until 3. Then I woke up again at 6, even though my alarm doesn't go off until 7:30.
And in those hours of wakeful anticipation, I knew in my head all of the reasons why I was being a complete nutcase. I knew that he was with his boys and that anything is possible in those situations. I knew that he might have come home exhausted and fallen asleep on the couch as he is frequently wont to do. I knew that a promise to call isn't binding and that almost everyone I know doesn't always call when they say they will.
But I'm still strung tightly today. I find myself fighting tears at the most ridiculous moments and I am clinging to my plans for wine and tapas with Spatch tomorrow night like a life-line for when Things Will Be Normal Again.
Today's Title from: I Used to Love Him by Lauryn Hill
Posted by Chloe
at 10:47 AM |
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