Thursday, February 22, 2007
This is a public service anouncement, this is only a test
I'm home sick today with some serious tonsil issues and a horrible feeling of malaise. So in lieu of a post about what jerks men are, I present to you, my list of 20 things that any man should know before he dates me.
My 20 Things Manifesto to All Future Boyfriends
1. I will want sex more than you. Chances are high that you will find me more ready and willing than you can handle and you will turn me down more than the reverse. I might get irritable about this.
2. I always sleep on my side, facing the edge of the bed, regardless of which edge it is. I am not turning my back on you. I am just going to sleep.
3. I shave… everything.
4. I will hide my true feelings from you until I feel I have seen enough signs from you that you are ‘safe’. I don’t want to be vulnerable in front of you, and I don’t want you to see me cry, until I am damned good and ready.
5. I have close male friends. They will not be kicked out of my life because of your insecurities. They stay. No matter what.
6. My girlfriends are incredibly important to me. I will not ditch them for you. And depending on their level of importance in my life, they might come before you. Deal with it.
7. I will buy you things. Little things that make me think of you. Massage oils. Maybe your favorite candy. A shirt. I love to buy things for people.
8. I love to buy and wear lingerie.
9. I am a phenomenal cook. You will be well fed.
10. I am outgoing and vivacious. I enjoy being the center of attention.
11. I get irrationally angry about lateness. I am extremely punctual. Lateness implies to me that you don’t think that my time is valuable. It pisses me off.
12. I like to learn about the things that you are passionate about.
13. Teasing is my way of showing affection.
14. I’m loud. I grew up with two loud older brothers. I’m not programmed to always use my inside voice. Don’t tease me about this, it’s one of the things I am most sensitive about. I know it doesn’t make sense. I’m a woman and I reserve the right to be irrational.
15. I like to give head. I appreciate reciprocation.
16. In bed, I will give you my all. I will try almost anything and I am more than willing to fulfill your fantasies. I’ve got a few of my own.
17. I have a dirty mind and I make dirty jokes. This does not mean that I am not a lady and that I should not be treated with respect.
18. I’m intelligent. I probably scored higher than you on the SAT. I might throw this in your face a few times. I generally don’t like it if it turns out that you are smarter than me.
19. I do not have a good relationship with my father. The aftermath of his destruction rears its ugly head in the form of insecurities with me. I will struggle to believe that I am good enough for you. I struggle to believe that I am good enough for anyone.
20. Underneath my New York Bitch exterior, I’m all mushy inside. I cry easily at movies. I love/crave affection. I get lost easily in the little things, like you holding my hand.
Today's Title from: Warning by Green Day
My 20 Things Manifesto to All Future Boyfriends
1. I will want sex more than you. Chances are high that you will find me more ready and willing than you can handle and you will turn me down more than the reverse. I might get irritable about this.
2. I always sleep on my side, facing the edge of the bed, regardless of which edge it is. I am not turning my back on you. I am just going to sleep.
3. I shave… everything.
4. I will hide my true feelings from you until I feel I have seen enough signs from you that you are ‘safe’. I don’t want to be vulnerable in front of you, and I don’t want you to see me cry, until I am damned good and ready.
5. I have close male friends. They will not be kicked out of my life because of your insecurities. They stay. No matter what.
6. My girlfriends are incredibly important to me. I will not ditch them for you. And depending on their level of importance in my life, they might come before you. Deal with it.
7. I will buy you things. Little things that make me think of you. Massage oils. Maybe your favorite candy. A shirt. I love to buy things for people.
8. I love to buy and wear lingerie.
9. I am a phenomenal cook. You will be well fed.
10. I am outgoing and vivacious. I enjoy being the center of attention.
11. I get irrationally angry about lateness. I am extremely punctual. Lateness implies to me that you don’t think that my time is valuable. It pisses me off.
12. I like to learn about the things that you are passionate about.
13. Teasing is my way of showing affection.
14. I’m loud. I grew up with two loud older brothers. I’m not programmed to always use my inside voice. Don’t tease me about this, it’s one of the things I am most sensitive about. I know it doesn’t make sense. I’m a woman and I reserve the right to be irrational.
15. I like to give head. I appreciate reciprocation.
16. In bed, I will give you my all. I will try almost anything and I am more than willing to fulfill your fantasies. I’ve got a few of my own.
17. I have a dirty mind and I make dirty jokes. This does not mean that I am not a lady and that I should not be treated with respect.
18. I’m intelligent. I probably scored higher than you on the SAT. I might throw this in your face a few times. I generally don’t like it if it turns out that you are smarter than me.
19. I do not have a good relationship with my father. The aftermath of his destruction rears its ugly head in the form of insecurities with me. I will struggle to believe that I am good enough for you. I struggle to believe that I am good enough for anyone.
20. Underneath my New York Bitch exterior, I’m all mushy inside. I cry easily at movies. I love/crave affection. I get lost easily in the little things, like you holding my hand.
Today's Title from: Warning by Green Day
Posted by Chloe
at 2:00 PM |
Permalink to This is a public service anouncement, this is only a test |
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