Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Life Defining Moments
I could turn today's post into an angry diatribe on how much I don't understand men. But I will refrain. I'm working on caring less and must not allow myself to indulge in fits of self-pity. Soldier on.
I have had many 'life-defining moments' as I like to call them. Those moments in life where you take a step back, survey the scene and recognize that these are the moments that are what living your life is all about. Sometimes they are the obvious moments (births, goodbyes, etc, etc) and sometimes they come when you least expect them.
1. My best friend had a cabin in a picturesque mountain town not far from my university. Josh (my other best friend) and I often spent the weekends at this house. It was one of those weekends. We were just hanging around, getting ready to go out and listening to music. MY song came on. It's a special song that has special meaning to me and anyone who's close to me knows about it. The three of us were dancing around the living room, with an abandon reserved for those times when you are certain that you are with people who love you no matter what. In that moment, I recognized the value of true friendship.
2. My 15th birthday. After a year of high drama and a lot of teenage angst in my hometown, my father broached the subject of me coming to live with him. Not wanting to return to the scene of so many recent crimes in my life, I decided to take the chance. One semester later, I knew I had to get out of there as fast as my feet could carry me. I couldn't subject myself to the horror that was my stepmother one day more. My room was right next to theirs. I heard her calling me 'fat' and 'stupid' to my father late at night. I desperately needed the love of my mother. I broke the news to my father, packed my bags and they bought me that ticket home, on my 15th birthday. My stepmom's final fuck-you to me. But as happy as I was to be returning to my home, it was killing me to leave my dad. I was home alone, waiting for them to come and get me and I just lay in the middle of the hallway, sobbing for everything that I was worth, feeling grief to the very marrow of my bones. I had failed my father, I thought. I hadn't loved him enough to make it. I wasn't a strong enough daughter. I had failed. 13 years later, I recognize that it was him that failed me and not the other way around, but the pain from walking away stayed with me for a long, long time.
Interestingly enough, these are two of the moments from my life that stick out the most in my mind.
I have had many 'life-defining moments' as I like to call them. Those moments in life where you take a step back, survey the scene and recognize that these are the moments that are what living your life is all about. Sometimes they are the obvious moments (births, goodbyes, etc, etc) and sometimes they come when you least expect them.
1. My best friend had a cabin in a picturesque mountain town not far from my university. Josh (my other best friend) and I often spent the weekends at this house. It was one of those weekends. We were just hanging around, getting ready to go out and listening to music. MY song came on. It's a special song that has special meaning to me and anyone who's close to me knows about it. The three of us were dancing around the living room, with an abandon reserved for those times when you are certain that you are with people who love you no matter what. In that moment, I recognized the value of true friendship.
2. My 15th birthday. After a year of high drama and a lot of teenage angst in my hometown, my father broached the subject of me coming to live with him. Not wanting to return to the scene of so many recent crimes in my life, I decided to take the chance. One semester later, I knew I had to get out of there as fast as my feet could carry me. I couldn't subject myself to the horror that was my stepmother one day more. My room was right next to theirs. I heard her calling me 'fat' and 'stupid' to my father late at night. I desperately needed the love of my mother. I broke the news to my father, packed my bags and they bought me that ticket home, on my 15th birthday. My stepmom's final fuck-you to me. But as happy as I was to be returning to my home, it was killing me to leave my dad. I was home alone, waiting for them to come and get me and I just lay in the middle of the hallway, sobbing for everything that I was worth, feeling grief to the very marrow of my bones. I had failed my father, I thought. I hadn't loved him enough to make it. I wasn't a strong enough daughter. I had failed. 13 years later, I recognize that it was him that failed me and not the other way around, but the pain from walking away stayed with me for a long, long time.
Interestingly enough, these are two of the moments from my life that stick out the most in my mind.
