The Virginity Monologues

At an official total weight loss of about 22 lbs to date, I've noticed a few things that I love about losing weight.

1. My clothes are decidedly looser and I can officially fit perfectly into the pants that I once pulled a muscle in my neck trying to squeeze my fat ass into.

2. The incredible shrinking waist. I've always been blessed with a weirdly small waist, which makes me about as hourglassy as a person can be. My waist is also the first place I start losing weight. Small becomes smaller. Its kinda nutty, but totally awesome to look at every time I take my shirt off.

3. The ability to fit into more seats on the subway. There is a game that everyone plays on the subway, the Does My Ass Fit Game. We assess a seat, our own ass size, the ass-size of the surrounding people, whether its the end seat or not and evaluate how desperately we want a seat (this sometimes will override any other factor) and then make a decision to sit or not. These days, I feel more confident about sitting in seats that I would have otherwise completely avoided.

4. Clearer skin. My skin is officially the clearest it has ever been in my life. I don't know if its the rampant exercise (yes, I still go to the gym about 3-4 times a week) or if its the more rationed consumption of fried foods, but its definitely, definitely noticeable.


Things I hate About Losing Weight
1. Looser clothes. Most of my pants now look like my "comfortable, baggy" pants. But I don't want to buy more clothes, because I don't plan on fitting into them in another 2-3 months. What's a fashionable girl to do????
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I'm going to completely switch gears now. Sorry, if I give any of you whiplash.

This morning at 7:15, my doorbell rang. Terrified of what it would be, I staggered down our ridiculously long hallway. On the other side of my door was my favorite neighbor.

Her husband had died that morning.

We knew this was coming, and I had asked her to come by and let me/us know if she needed anything.

I took her in my arms and she just pleaded with me to come and visit her that night. To which of course I agreed.

Karen and I just returned from spending the evening with her. We laughed. We cried.

This comes in conjunction with some fairly intense recent sessions with my therapist. And I'm doing some pretty heavy thinking.

I find myself in an interesting position. I'm willing to admit that I would like to find love. As much as the idea of giving another person that much of myself terrifies and repulses me, somewhere deep inside I believe that the real thing would be worth it. The catch is- am I even capable of it?

I have a great capacity to love.

But I find that the longer I am delightfully single and drama-free, the less I am inclined to want to risk. And the stronger my walls become. I WANT to feel. I want to ache. I want to feel butterflies. But I also want to stay in my safe little cocoon of numbness. I want to allow myself to love someone so much, that to lose them would destroy me.

What's a single girl to do?

Today's Title from: Same Mistake by James Blunt

So, I lead this weird kind of life where I vacillate wildly between amazing and god-awful rotten luck.

The Bed Bugs? God-Awful Rotten Luck.

The taping of The Colbert Report last night? Amazing luck.

When I first arrived, the people checking me in gave me a Klondike bar. I should have refused it, since they are 13 points!!! (BTW- total weight loss to date is 18 lbs). But I ate it anyway. Then, after a lengthy security process, we were scuttled into the studio. Before the actual taping of the show, Stephen Colbert does a Q&A with the audience.

I raised my hand.

Me: Stephen, did you enjoy the R.E.M. concert last week?
Stephen: Yes, yes I did. Were you there?
Me: I actually met you backstage.
Stephen: Oh? Did we make out?

Hahahahah. THAT was awesome.

What was even more awesome?

The guest..... was......

WILL SMITH

That is not a lie.

What is even more awesome than being within 20 feet of Will Smith?

He hugged me.

After he was done taping his interview with Stephen, he came over to the audience to shake people's hands.

Note, I said, SHAKE PEOPLE'S HANDS.

Did he shake my hand?

No. He gave ME a HUGE hug.

I floated on a Will Smith Shaped Cloud the entire way home. Once I got home, though, I had to put everything I own into plastic bags for the new exterminator coming today.

That, was not awesome. And will continue to not be awesome while everything I own remains in plastic bags for the next 5 weeks.

However, at the end of those 5 weeks, there should be NO bed bugs left. And then I will feel like I have the most amazing luck in the whole wide world.

Today's Title from: Best I Ever Had by Vertical Horizon

"Why do you think that you will never find love?" she asked me.

"I'm fundamentally unlovable," I tell her, my canned answer, in complete belief that this statement is true.

"The problem," she says, "is not that you actually ARE unlovable, but that you BELIEVE you are unlovable."

And in one brief sentence my therapist has pinpointed the root of all of my problems. We have discussed my irrational sensitivity to rejection and abandonment and as a result, rarely allow myself to be vulnerable, but instead wield an almost impenetrable shield. She tells me that I'll never be able to BE vulnerable until I actually do it. She tells me that self-esteem comes from esteeming actions and behavior. She tells me that people will treat me however I let them.

She tells me to remind myself that I am lovable as often as I remember to, even when I don't feel it or believe it.

The path in front of me feels daunting. Its easier to be pessimistic about the future, to hide behind untruths about myself to avoid opening myself to hurt and rejection.

I hope.

I hope that I can believe in myself. I hope that I can have relationships where the smallest actions don't cause me to be seized with anxiety that someone isn't interested in being my friend anymore. I hope that I can stop being the ugly-duckling in my head.

I hope I can love myself enough to let someone else love me.

Today's Title from: Incomplete by Alanis Morissette

Okay, so my continual adamant insistence that I am NOT dating is getting old. So, from here on out, you can just assume that I am not dating unless I say otherwise.

My houseguests are gone!!!! I've had 5 days of not being able to be in my living room because it was infested with my semi-skeevy cousin and his masquerading-as-a-nice-guy friend, neither of whom are particularly tidy. And after the day that I had yesterday, I'm rather enjoying spending some quality time just lounging in my living room.

They day began at 8:00 am, when I met Spatch at the marina at the World Financial Center. We boarded a boat for a day of sailing, my birthday present to her. It was a perfect day, the sun was just hot enough and the wind was just cool enough. Both of us have been stressed beyond all reason for the last week, so this was exactly what both of us needed. After landing at our destination, we had lunch at a local seafood restaurant, then boarded the train to return to Manhattan.

Upon arriving home, my houseguests, my BFF Karen and other roommate all got ourselves gussied up before heading down to the Brooklyn Bridge. First we ate at my favorite pizza place, Grimaldi's before I walked them across the Brooklyn Bridge where everyone agreed that it was, in fact, a vastly superior experience at night as I had told them. Then we headed to the West Village where we wandered around for a while, showing them New York City nightlife. After about an hour of this, my cousin needed to head home to catch his flight, so Karen went with him, but his friend and I headed to the club where The DJ was spinning and my girl, Nicole was working. We shook our booties for a few additional hours before finally getting home around 4, when he needed to start getting ready to head to the airport. I should have been a good hostess and seen him out the door, but I needed sleep with a desperation beyond all comprehension. It had been a long week of not enough sleep, and my body had reached its breaking point.

I crawled into bed and slept until noon. Something I haven't done in probably years. Sleep has never, ever felt so good.

This week is looking much less busy, and I couldn't be happier.

Today's title from: What a Difference a Day Makes by Tony Bennett

So, I have previously mentioned that I have a connection with the band, R.E.M. This connection landed me at a private party for said band at a Mario Batali restaurant and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame after party about a year and a half ago.

Having recently released an album, R.E.M. is on tour. I watched their concert at Jones Beach on Saturday from back stage and was privileged enough to hop a ride back into Manhattan with them in one of their tour buses. Tonight, I watched them at Madison Square Garden from the 5th row on the floor. To my left and a few rows back were Maggie Gyllenhaal with Peter Sarsgaard and to my right about 20-30 feet were the Olsen twins, acting like the most obnoxious, attention hungry brats in existence. The concert was amazing, even if they didn't play my favorite song, Nightswimming, despite my personal request to Peter Buck (lead guitarist).

As I walked from the floor to the V.I.P. area after the concert(did I mention my All Access pass?), I walked past One of My Obsessions.

When I love something, I tend to love it passionately.

And I love Stephen Colbert passionately.

I had heard earlier that he was on the guest list, but I didn't believe that I would be lucky enough to actually be in his presence. And yet. There he was. Talking to Susan Sarandon.

I waited and waited. I wanted to shake his hand. I wanted to tell him how much I worship him. I wanted to tell him that I actually have tickets to a taping on Tuesday, and could he maybe give me a shout out?

I did none of these things. I was a complete chicken. My friend that I was with had to instigate a conversation with him for me, and as I shook his hand, a million other people swooped in, stealing my moment. No conversation was had.

And yet, I shook his hand. I looked him in the eye.

I am complete.

Today's Title from: Leaving New York by R.E.M.

I'm here! I'm alive!

The new job is going great. But its a much smaller company than my previous employer and I'm much more concerned about posting at work, so i haven't had as many opportunities to write as much as before. But I bought a new laptop last weekend, so now posting will be much more accessible and hopefully you will hear from me more!

My life seems to be a series of crises these days insterspersed with moments of pure undiluted joy. The legal battle with my apartment management company continues to rage, as well as additional battle that is brewing after they have done little to solve my 6 month bed bug problem. Apartment trouble occupies almost all of my thoughts and time. I'm gonna be honest, it exhausts me.

I'm also battling myself with a friendship issue. A friendship that I treasured is proving to be problematic and its hurting me. I am completely unclear about where to go with it from here and I'm praying for clarity that isn't coming.

No change in my relationship or dating status. I'm 5 months into my most successful break from all the bullshit. It still feels good and I'm not ready to end it yet, so I'll just continue to ride it out, I guess. My (completely fabulous) therapist is concerned about my complete lack of emotion where men are concerned and is thinking that we'll need to work on de-thawing my new-ish Ice Queen persona. But for the most part, I enjoy the numbness. I spent too many years feeling too much. Not feeling anything feels good. Damn good.

And that's about it. Not much else to report. I'm sorry, I'm ridiculously boring these days.

Hey everybody!!!

The new job is great! I love it! Its easier, I'm getting paid a shitload more money with all the same benefits and they have FLAVORED coffee! Yesterday I had the hazelnut, today I tried the French Vanilla and tomorrow I think I'll try the Rainforest Something or Other. Plus my boss is awesome and totally lets me tease him.

Also, everyone at the company pronounces Hermes and Christian Louboutin correctly. Its LOVELY.

Honestly, there's almost nothing else going on in my life.

I am still not dating, despite the many attempts from gentlemen that I met when I went out with my girls on Saturday night. None could penetrate my facade of bitterness.

I am still working out like a crazy person (I have started spin classes. They are hard). And I am still on Weight Watchers and have lost 14 lbs total to date (only 36 more to reach my goal!). Today the online program gave me a little lecture for losing too much weight per week and advised me to lose weight more slowly.

Clearly Weight Watchers online does not understand my self-esteem issues and my manic desperation to not be The Fat Girl anymore.

All in all, I would say that I'm pretty damn happy and content these days. Is this karma finally paying me back for all the shit that I went through last year, or am I a few short moments away from everything completely falling to pieces? I'm going to believe the former, cause if there's one thing I am learning in therapy, its that perceptions and thoughts make a BIG difference in lifes outcomes and its time for me to start being POSITIVE!

Today's Title from: Moving Mountains by Usher