Friday, January 18, 2008
Just take a little look from our side when you can
Okay peeps, time for y’all to weigh in. Cause I’m CONFUSED.
So, the last 2 nights, I’ve gone out with The DJ and friends. Did I mention that all his friends LOVE me? I end up exchanging numbers with everyone and they invite me- everywhere. And The DJ always makes it very clear what I am to him, as he can’t seem to introduce me to anyone without throwing into the conversation how fantastic my skills are in EVERY department. It’s half-adorable and half-annoying.
At the end of the Wednesday night, me, The DJ and 2 other friends were getting ready to leave together since we all live very close to each other. The DJ mentioned that he is tired. As everyone sort of dispersed, I grabbed his arm and pulled him closer to me and said, “How tired ARE you?”
“Really, really tired,” he said, “but after Sunday everything will be different.”
Here’s where I explain that The DJ is also a party promoter. He’s currently elbows deep in an ENORMOUS party that is going on Sunday night. This party is going to be OFF THE HOOK- big name stars, hundreds of people, etc, etc, etc. He’s been working on it tirelessly and calls me occasionally during the day to bounce ideas off me and get some feedback. This party is a LOT of work. So being really tired is legitimate.
Nevertheless, I don’t take rejection well, and I get quiet.
In the cab on the way uptown, The DJ pesters me relentlessly.
“Why are you so quiet?”
“What are you thinking about?”
Etc.Etc.
I remind him that I need tickets. Previously he had told me he would take care of me for tickets, but I don’t want to assume that I am still in a position to get comped tickets and mention that I need them, but don’t have enough cash on me at the moment for 2 tickets.
He reaches over and grabs my cheek and pushes his face into mine and says, “Baby, I told you I’d get you.”
I pull my head away, afraid to get too close. Afraid he will see in my eyes how I don’t believe that I am good enough for him.
“Why are you pulling away from me?!?!” he asks.
I just smile and return to looking out the window of the cab.
My stop is first and I am not even in the elevator of my building before I am sobbing. I KNOW I’ve over-reacted to this situation, but I can’t stop feeling like this is it, the moment when he realizes that I’m not that great and that its time to get rid of my ass. I got upstairs and cry and cry. Karen tries to talk me off my ledge. Kevin is texting me to make sure I’m okay and telling me how much he loves me.
But I just keep crying.
The next morning, on the subway, everything seems a little clearer. I realize that one night doesn’t equal the end of the world. My good friend at work advises me to wait until the party is over to assess anything about his behavior and I agree. I send The DJ a text apologizing for getting so quiet, and blame it on work stuff that him and I had been talking about earlier.
He sends me back the sweetest text message, telling me everything will be okay and to just stay positive, etc, etc.
Last night- we all went out for drinks at our favorite local bar. We hung out, had a good time, etc, etc. At the end of the night, The DJ, Kevin and another friend were taking off for another bar, while I opted to go home, despite being invited to the other bar.
I don’t read anything into the fact that The DJ and I are going our separate ways for the 2nd night in a row.
But I can’t help feeling like I’m blowing this. I’m neurotic. I’m feeling pressure to be the crazy fun girl that he first met, even though that isn’t really me all the time. And I’m acting weird, and not really myself at all and I’m pissing myself off!!!!! Everyone keeps telling me to just ‘be myself’. But that’s practically impossible for me. I want to be Fun-and-Crazy-Chloe, but sometimes I’m Kinda-Quiet-I-Had-a-Bad-Day-Chloe and I’m afraid to show him/them the not-as-much-fun sides of me
Argh. Any way I spin it, I think he's losing interest.
Damn, I wish I wasn’t crazy.
Today's Title from: Glory Box by Portishead
So, the last 2 nights, I’ve gone out with The DJ and friends. Did I mention that all his friends LOVE me? I end up exchanging numbers with everyone and they invite me- everywhere. And The DJ always makes it very clear what I am to him, as he can’t seem to introduce me to anyone without throwing into the conversation how fantastic my skills are in EVERY department. It’s half-adorable and half-annoying.
At the end of the Wednesday night, me, The DJ and 2 other friends were getting ready to leave together since we all live very close to each other. The DJ mentioned that he is tired. As everyone sort of dispersed, I grabbed his arm and pulled him closer to me and said, “How tired ARE you?”
“Really, really tired,” he said, “but after Sunday everything will be different.”
Here’s where I explain that The DJ is also a party promoter. He’s currently elbows deep in an ENORMOUS party that is going on Sunday night. This party is going to be OFF THE HOOK- big name stars, hundreds of people, etc, etc, etc. He’s been working on it tirelessly and calls me occasionally during the day to bounce ideas off me and get some feedback. This party is a LOT of work. So being really tired is legitimate.
Nevertheless, I don’t take rejection well, and I get quiet.
In the cab on the way uptown, The DJ pesters me relentlessly.
“Why are you so quiet?”
“What are you thinking about?”
Etc.Etc.
I remind him that I need tickets. Previously he had told me he would take care of me for tickets, but I don’t want to assume that I am still in a position to get comped tickets and mention that I need them, but don’t have enough cash on me at the moment for 2 tickets.
He reaches over and grabs my cheek and pushes his face into mine and says, “Baby, I told you I’d get you.”
I pull my head away, afraid to get too close. Afraid he will see in my eyes how I don’t believe that I am good enough for him.
“Why are you pulling away from me?!?!” he asks.
I just smile and return to looking out the window of the cab.
My stop is first and I am not even in the elevator of my building before I am sobbing. I KNOW I’ve over-reacted to this situation, but I can’t stop feeling like this is it, the moment when he realizes that I’m not that great and that its time to get rid of my ass. I got upstairs and cry and cry. Karen tries to talk me off my ledge. Kevin is texting me to make sure I’m okay and telling me how much he loves me.
But I just keep crying.
The next morning, on the subway, everything seems a little clearer. I realize that one night doesn’t equal the end of the world. My good friend at work advises me to wait until the party is over to assess anything about his behavior and I agree. I send The DJ a text apologizing for getting so quiet, and blame it on work stuff that him and I had been talking about earlier.
He sends me back the sweetest text message, telling me everything will be okay and to just stay positive, etc, etc.
Last night- we all went out for drinks at our favorite local bar. We hung out, had a good time, etc, etc. At the end of the night, The DJ, Kevin and another friend were taking off for another bar, while I opted to go home, despite being invited to the other bar.
I don’t read anything into the fact that The DJ and I are going our separate ways for the 2nd night in a row.
But I can’t help feeling like I’m blowing this. I’m neurotic. I’m feeling pressure to be the crazy fun girl that he first met, even though that isn’t really me all the time. And I’m acting weird, and not really myself at all and I’m pissing myself off!!!!! Everyone keeps telling me to just ‘be myself’. But that’s practically impossible for me. I want to be Fun-and-Crazy-Chloe, but sometimes I’m Kinda-Quiet-I-Had-a-Bad-Day-Chloe and I’m afraid to show him/them the not-as-much-fun sides of me
Argh. Any way I spin it, I think he's losing interest.
Damn, I wish I wasn’t crazy.
Today's Title from: Glory Box by Portishead
Labels: The DJ
Posted by Chloe
at 3:33 PM |
Permalink to Just take a little look from our side when you can |
9 Comments |
