The Virginity Monologues

The curse of the first love lives on. After 2 years and so many men, I expected to be blase. I expected to see him and feel a simple fondness for the boy whom I once loved so deeply, then shattered my heart into so many pieces, I'm still trying to put them all back together.

I didn't expect to be immediately transported back to the end of our first date, to the longing that I felt as I got on my subway, and he stood on the platform, watching me pull away, our eyes holding as long as they could. I didn't expect the hug that lasted a smidge too long. I didn't expect the familiarity to come rushing back as he brushed my cheek with a kiss. I didn't expect that the regret for what might have been would almost move me to tears.

I didn't expect to feel so much love, still.

I've changed so much in the last 2 years. I've grown. I've struggled. I've cried a lot. It was my breakup with The Ex, that caused me to go through the most difficult life-changing period ever. And I'm happy. I could honestly answer that I am very well and that my life is following the path that I always dreamed it would.

I'd still rather be sharing it with him.

After the months of pure psychotic behavior that I exhibited after our breakup though, I think reconciliation is completely out of the question.

Still.

Today's Title from: Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell