Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Work is kicking my ass. These days, it's a good day if I haven't shed tears by the time I leave. I'm hoping it gets better, but there currently isn't any end in sight.
No resolution with Marc. The overwhelming majority thinks he is a lying sack of shit. I'm leaning that way, but again, my downfall being that I want to believe the best in everyone. Must cure myself of that annoying habit. Sheesh. Quite frankly, I can't believe that I'm STILL agonizing over this man. Note to self: move on already! FUCK!
Dave and I had plans to go to a Yankee game last night. He called me during the day to let me know that he had to work late (completely believable, considering he has an upper level management position at a financial institution), and that he wouldn't be able to make the game. No big deal. I let him know that due to this change in plans, I'll be watching the movie in Bryant Park with my girlfriends, if he wants to call me when he gets out of work and we can meet up later. He says he'll call. And since he has previously always called when he says he will, I believe him.
He didn't call. I'm trying really hard not to read to much into this. I mean, he did call me on Sunday and Monday to confirm, then cancel plans. He's been very reliable up to this point. But part of me can't help thinking that now that he's gotten what he wanted, he's disappearing. Because, men are pigs.
If I were being honest with myself, I would recognize that I don't really care. About any of this bullshit. I fear that the reality is that I'm going numb, from hurt and current stress and just the overall exhaustion with men and relationships and the pure crap that it all is.
I also recognize a very serious problem in myself. I can't believe that I've had the men that I've had. In my opininon, I'm completely undeserving of any of them. Marc? Not good enough for. Dave? Scott? Mr. Wrong? D? All men that are, by my definition, completely out of my league. While it bothers me when they blow me off, I figure it was always an inevitability once they woke up to the fact that they were dating someone so far beneath them.
Maybe I need to start dating less attractive men.
No resolution with Marc. The overwhelming majority thinks he is a lying sack of shit. I'm leaning that way, but again, my downfall being that I want to believe the best in everyone. Must cure myself of that annoying habit. Sheesh. Quite frankly, I can't believe that I'm STILL agonizing over this man. Note to self: move on already! FUCK!
Dave and I had plans to go to a Yankee game last night. He called me during the day to let me know that he had to work late (completely believable, considering he has an upper level management position at a financial institution), and that he wouldn't be able to make the game. No big deal. I let him know that due to this change in plans, I'll be watching the movie in Bryant Park with my girlfriends, if he wants to call me when he gets out of work and we can meet up later. He says he'll call. And since he has previously always called when he says he will, I believe him.
He didn't call. I'm trying really hard not to read to much into this. I mean, he did call me on Sunday and Monday to confirm, then cancel plans. He's been very reliable up to this point. But part of me can't help thinking that now that he's gotten what he wanted, he's disappearing. Because, men are pigs.
If I were being honest with myself, I would recognize that I don't really care. About any of this bullshit. I fear that the reality is that I'm going numb, from hurt and current stress and just the overall exhaustion with men and relationships and the pure crap that it all is.
I also recognize a very serious problem in myself. I can't believe that I've had the men that I've had. In my opininon, I'm completely undeserving of any of them. Marc? Not good enough for. Dave? Scott? Mr. Wrong? D? All men that are, by my definition, completely out of my league. While it bothers me when they blow me off, I figure it was always an inevitability once they woke up to the fact that they were dating someone so far beneath them.
Maybe I need to start dating less attractive men.
