Monday, July 10, 2006
What I Fear Most
Interesting Fact about me: I get irrationally freaked out about getting pregnant. Maybe this means that I shouldn't be having sex, since I am SO clearly not ready to have a baby. I'm on the pill, and I'm always very johnny-on-the-spot with the condoms, but I'm convinced that I am that one random person who all forms of contraception will fail.
There are a few reasons for me to be a little more fearful this time around than normal (after the night of Grand Passion with Scott the Asshole), that I will not get into because I fear the backlash, but it's been weighing heavily, HEAVILY on my mind. Like I woke up at 6 am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep because I was supposed to get my period today. I FREAKED out when I discovered that I was not yet menstruating. Enough to get me into the shower and out the door with no makeup on, so I could get to the drugstore and take me a pregnancy test.
Unfortunately for me, the tests aren't idiot proof. I damaged the "test holder", thus making it impossible to see results on either of the test sticks. I was out $15 and I still didn't know if I was pregnant or not. And I was PISSED.
Luckily, as of 5 minutes ago, a test is no longer necessary. And I am definitely NOT pregnant.
But seriously, this fear is OUT of CONTROL. Mostly because I don't believe in abortion (not that there's anything wrong with other people doing it, I just couldn't), and I don't think I could ever give a baby up for adoption (again, nothing wrong with that option either). Which would mean that I would have to move back home, with my mother and raise a child by myself. Which would mean the end of New York City, my career, my social life, my dating life, etc, etc. None of which I would be happy to see go. I will never, ever understand how my mother managed to raise us 4 kids all by herself. She is an amazing woman.
Plus, I don't even know if I want to have kids. I'm not so sure about my mothering abilities.
Anyway. It's a big issue. It scares the SHIT out of me.
There are a few reasons for me to be a little more fearful this time around than normal (after the night of Grand Passion with Scott the Asshole), that I will not get into because I fear the backlash, but it's been weighing heavily, HEAVILY on my mind. Like I woke up at 6 am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep because I was supposed to get my period today. I FREAKED out when I discovered that I was not yet menstruating. Enough to get me into the shower and out the door with no makeup on, so I could get to the drugstore and take me a pregnancy test.
Unfortunately for me, the tests aren't idiot proof. I damaged the "test holder", thus making it impossible to see results on either of the test sticks. I was out $15 and I still didn't know if I was pregnant or not. And I was PISSED.
Luckily, as of 5 minutes ago, a test is no longer necessary. And I am definitely NOT pregnant.
But seriously, this fear is OUT of CONTROL. Mostly because I don't believe in abortion (not that there's anything wrong with other people doing it, I just couldn't), and I don't think I could ever give a baby up for adoption (again, nothing wrong with that option either). Which would mean that I would have to move back home, with my mother and raise a child by myself. Which would mean the end of New York City, my career, my social life, my dating life, etc, etc. None of which I would be happy to see go. I will never, ever understand how my mother managed to raise us 4 kids all by herself. She is an amazing woman.
Plus, I don't even know if I want to have kids. I'm not so sure about my mothering abilities.
Anyway. It's a big issue. It scares the SHIT out of me.
