Sunday, March 19, 2006
With or Without You
Two things to remember while you are reading this:
1. I am PMSing, hardcore.
2. I've just finished watching the last 2 episodes of Sex and the City.
So, I'm mildly emotionally unstable...
It's 4 am (3:52 to be exact) and I've just walked in my front door, I'm the most awake that I've been in weeks. I was with Abby and our friend, George. Abby and George were drinking heavily and I was the voice of reason, which is never any fun. Plus I knew that the melancholy produced by the thoughts in my head would only be exacerbated by alcohol and trust me, it's bad enough without it.
These thoughts in my head. Try as I might, I can't escape them and they keep coming back in hypercolor to the front of my brain. I long for a lobotomy. I want out of my cuckoo's nest.
Reason for state of confusion:
4:53 p.m.
Text Message Received:
Ummmm....hello? Are you there? Where have you been? I guess you don't like me anymore
From:
Marc
I was fine! I was totally, totally fine. Until this week. When all of a sudden, I missed him with the intensity of a mack truck. If was as if he sensed my moment of weakness, he knew how my fingers were itching to text him, to reach out and convey how much I've missed him, and he had to pounce while that fucking iron was hot, just to fuck with my mind a little more.
I was talking to my roommate the other night about relationships. And how I only put my heart on the line when I know that it is safe. I wait and I wait and I wait for that opportunity or that person that is safe. But the reality is, that when it comes to relationships, safe is impossible. Safe doesn't exist. I'm never going to get what I want if I'm not willing to risk. I can't expect someone to put their heart out for me, if I'm not putting it out there for him. I want to know that they love me and that they'll never leave me before I take down my walls, even a smidge.
Only the bravest and most confident men would be so foolish as to love without any form of reciprocation, and trust me, these men are not pursuing me. And the reality is, that I don't want to someone to love me who doesn't know me with my walls down. I want someone to love me because they've seen any number of my funky dances, because they love the way that a song can completely overwhelm me, because I get riled up at baseball games, because they've witnessed my ability to turn any conversation or situation into something sexually related, or because they can tell me anything, knowing that I will understand and never judge. These are the things behind my walls.
Is this my opportunity? Is fate telling me something?
Out of nowhere, I missed him something pretty fierce.
Out of nowhere, I get a text message from him.
What I really must ask myself now is, do I risk it all?
1. I am PMSing, hardcore.
2. I've just finished watching the last 2 episodes of Sex and the City.
So, I'm mildly emotionally unstable...
It's 4 am (3:52 to be exact) and I've just walked in my front door, I'm the most awake that I've been in weeks. I was with Abby and our friend, George. Abby and George were drinking heavily and I was the voice of reason, which is never any fun. Plus I knew that the melancholy produced by the thoughts in my head would only be exacerbated by alcohol and trust me, it's bad enough without it.
These thoughts in my head. Try as I might, I can't escape them and they keep coming back in hypercolor to the front of my brain. I long for a lobotomy. I want out of my cuckoo's nest.
Reason for state of confusion:
4:53 p.m.
Text Message Received:
Ummmm....hello? Are you there? Where have you been? I guess you don't like me anymore
From:
Marc
I was fine! I was totally, totally fine. Until this week. When all of a sudden, I missed him with the intensity of a mack truck. If was as if he sensed my moment of weakness, he knew how my fingers were itching to text him, to reach out and convey how much I've missed him, and he had to pounce while that fucking iron was hot, just to fuck with my mind a little more.
I was talking to my roommate the other night about relationships. And how I only put my heart on the line when I know that it is safe. I wait and I wait and I wait for that opportunity or that person that is safe. But the reality is, that when it comes to relationships, safe is impossible. Safe doesn't exist. I'm never going to get what I want if I'm not willing to risk. I can't expect someone to put their heart out for me, if I'm not putting it out there for him. I want to know that they love me and that they'll never leave me before I take down my walls, even a smidge.
Only the bravest and most confident men would be so foolish as to love without any form of reciprocation, and trust me, these men are not pursuing me. And the reality is, that I don't want to someone to love me who doesn't know me with my walls down. I want someone to love me because they've seen any number of my funky dances, because they love the way that a song can completely overwhelm me, because I get riled up at baseball games, because they've witnessed my ability to turn any conversation or situation into something sexually related, or because they can tell me anything, knowing that I will understand and never judge. These are the things behind my walls.
Is this my opportunity? Is fate telling me something?
Out of nowhere, I missed him something pretty fierce.
Out of nowhere, I get a text message from him.
What I really must ask myself now is, do I risk it all?
Labels: Marc
