Friday, March 17, 2006
Can You Still Feel the Butterflies
Remember the butterflies? The giddiness? The feeling of being sucker-punched right in the gut when you unexpectedly happen on the object of your affection? I used to feel those all the time. Potentially too much. I was constantly finding a new love to obsess about. Once after a first date, I spent the entire next day belting out 'Endless Love' to anyone within hearing range. Clearly a few of my synapses were not firing correctly and I was a little over-eager.
Now, I very rarely feel those things. Very few people inspire those reactions in me. How does that happen? Is it maturity that makes me more cautious? Or the walls that I've put up? Does being jaded help us or hurt us? Do we not find the one that we're looking for because we've closed our doors to the possibilities?
I'm so afraid of letting people in and giving them the ability to hurt me, that I'm worried that I've lost the ability to allow myself to get really excited about someone of the male persuasion. And I tend to get hung up on the ones that I can't have (ie- Marc!), which could be a sub-conscious defense mechanism, an avoidance of having to give of myself.
I want the butterflies.
Now, I very rarely feel those things. Very few people inspire those reactions in me. How does that happen? Is it maturity that makes me more cautious? Or the walls that I've put up? Does being jaded help us or hurt us? Do we not find the one that we're looking for because we've closed our doors to the possibilities?
I'm so afraid of letting people in and giving them the ability to hurt me, that I'm worried that I've lost the ability to allow myself to get really excited about someone of the male persuasion. And I tend to get hung up on the ones that I can't have (ie- Marc!), which could be a sub-conscious defense mechanism, an avoidance of having to give of myself.
I want the butterflies.
