The Virginity Monologues

Number of Opportunities to Have Sex in the last 24 hours: 2 (Greg and Jay)

Number of Times Had Sex in the last 24 hours: 0

On a Scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest) How Pissed I am That This Sickness is Interfering With My Bustling Sex Life: 10

Number of Hours Spent Watching Real World: Austin Last Night While Praying for Death: 3

Number of Tears Shed Over the Footage of Danny and Melinda's (from Real World) Engagement: 0

Number of Times I Wanted to Call Real World Producers and Tell Them to Stop Picking Such Irrational Women to be On Their Show: Approximately 500

Number of Text Messages from Marc in the last 72 hours: 0

Number of Times I Have Wanted to Text Message Marc, but Haven't Because I am Trying to Play Hard to Get: Approximately 500

Number of Times I Woke Up in the Middle of the Night Hacking: 5

Number of Dead Mice in My Kitchen This Morning: 1

Number of Cough Drops Consumed in the Last 24 Hours: At Least 20

Number of Emails from Long Lost Best Friend in the last 24 hours: 1

Number of Years it's Been Since We Last Spoke: 3

Number of Wives He Now Has: 1

Number of Children: 1 on the way

How Much I have Missed Him: Infinite