The Virginity Monologues

When I first moved to New York City, I never understood why people made such a beeline for the end seats on the subway. After 2 years- I can tell you why. Because when you're in an end seat- only one side of you is exposed to other people trying to fit their fat asses into places that they don't belong. If I was a stand-up comic, I would absolutely do a bit on subway seats and the asses that don't fit in them. You can always see it coming. Someone boards the subway, they're looking around frantically for a seat, and they spot it, the lone empty seat between you and someone else that isn't exactly tiny, therefore leaving only a fraction of the seat empty. The just-boarded individual doesn't care that there is only a scant few inches of available space, they walk over, and smash their ginormous behind into the miniscule space and then to make matters worse, start rifling through their bag for the lost treasure of Atlantis. The only time that you are safe from these offenders is a weekday morning, around approximately 5 am. Seriously. On weekends, those trains stay full until all hours of the morning.

Just FYI- when you're starving and nothing sounds good- chunky vegetable soup is not the way to go.