Thursday, October 23, 2008
No! You got to find a way to survive, cause they win when your soul dies
“I’m TIRED of feeling like I’m not good enough. I don’t want to feel this anymore. What more can I be doing?” I ask my therapist.
We talk about it. We discuss options. She reminds me that self-esteem comes from esteeming acts.
She reminds me how I’ve previously mentioned that due to events that took place when I was 4, I’ve always felt tarnished.
Tarnished. This word reverberates in my head. Dirty. I’m standing on the edge of the cliff in my mind again.
She asks me what if felt like before.
“I don’t remember,” I tell her. “I don’t remember what it felt like to be completely innocent.”
The tears are coming again. Every single time I’m in therapy these days, I cry. Hard. And then I start to feel something new. I feel angry.
I have always been pretty blasé about what happened to me when I was 4. I’ve always felt that it didn’t really affect me that much and that I’ve learned the effects that it did have and I’m aware of them. It’s not something that I talk about very much, not because I deliberately don’t tell people, but because I don’t THINK to tell people. And if I ever do talk about it, I almost always say, “Eh, it didn’t have that much of an effect on me. And I’m not really that upset about it.”
But suddenly and out of nowhere, I’m angry. I’m angry at the douchebag who stole my childhood innocence. I’m angry at myself for having excused his behavior for the last 2 decades. I’m angry that I’ll never know who I was really meant to be, without that experience to shape me. I’m angry that I was forced to learn a coping mechanism at 4 that STILL makes me emotionally constipated to this day. I’m angry that I’m googling psycho-babble shit about healing my inner child and that I find that everything that I read really strikes a chord with me.
I’m ecstatic that I’ve had my epiphany. I’m not so ecstatic that it’s about healing a 26 year old wound.
I cried all day. Sometimes uncontrollably. My eyes hurt today, from the continuous crying of yesterday. I am a little scared about what’s in front of me and I don’t really know how to proceed. I imagine it will involve a lot of crying. And something about finding my 4 year old self.
Today's Title from: Baby Don't Cry by Tupac
We talk about it. We discuss options. She reminds me that self-esteem comes from esteeming acts.
She reminds me how I’ve previously mentioned that due to events that took place when I was 4, I’ve always felt tarnished.
Tarnished. This word reverberates in my head. Dirty. I’m standing on the edge of the cliff in my mind again.
She asks me what if felt like before.
“I don’t remember,” I tell her. “I don’t remember what it felt like to be completely innocent.”
The tears are coming again. Every single time I’m in therapy these days, I cry. Hard. And then I start to feel something new. I feel angry.
I have always been pretty blasé about what happened to me when I was 4. I’ve always felt that it didn’t really affect me that much and that I’ve learned the effects that it did have and I’m aware of them. It’s not something that I talk about very much, not because I deliberately don’t tell people, but because I don’t THINK to tell people. And if I ever do talk about it, I almost always say, “Eh, it didn’t have that much of an effect on me. And I’m not really that upset about it.”
But suddenly and out of nowhere, I’m angry. I’m angry at the douchebag who stole my childhood innocence. I’m angry at myself for having excused his behavior for the last 2 decades. I’m angry that I’ll never know who I was really meant to be, without that experience to shape me. I’m angry that I was forced to learn a coping mechanism at 4 that STILL makes me emotionally constipated to this day. I’m angry that I’m googling psycho-babble shit about healing my inner child and that I find that everything that I read really strikes a chord with me.
I’m ecstatic that I’ve had my epiphany. I’m not so ecstatic that it’s about healing a 26 year old wound.
I cried all day. Sometimes uncontrollably. My eyes hurt today, from the continuous crying of yesterday. I am a little scared about what’s in front of me and I don’t really know how to proceed. I imagine it will involve a lot of crying. And something about finding my 4 year old self.
Today's Title from: Baby Don't Cry by Tupac
Posted by Chloe
at 10:56 AM |
Permalink to No! You got to find a way to survive, cause they win when your soul dies |
2 Comments |
