Friday, December 23, 2005
Validation
It's time to address some issues. Since this is my blog, I recognize that it is not necessary, but maybe it'll clear some things up.
Every woman has insecurities (probably every man too- and they're probably all related to penis size). Every woman finds some way to validate herself to make up for these insecurities. I don't know one woman that doesn't do this in some form or another. This validation comes in the form of eating disorders, obsessive gym going, not leaving the house without full makeup, a driving desire to climb to the top of the corporate ladder, expensive clothing, a fancy-pants car, etc, etc, etc. The list could go on and on. My validation comes in the form of men.
I was molested as a young child for a long period of time by a close family friend. He would get very angry with me when I wouldn't do as he asked. In my 4 year old mind- I began to equate making men like me with letting them use my body. Combine this with an indifferent father my entire life and you bet yer ass I've got issues where men are concerned. Therapy has helped me to recognize the symptoms, but nothing will ever make my brain stop thinking the thoughts. It's how I react to the thoughts that matter.
I LOVE sex, it's not all about validation. But there is definitely an aspect that when men want me, it makes me feel better about myself, as if I am more valuable as a person. I recognize it, I try not to let it become too much of a factor in who I sleep with. If I let it control me, I would sleep with every man who crossed my path. Obviously, I am not doing that. But it will always be a demon inside of me. You got a problem with that? Don't read my blog.
Yes, I am independent and have a desire to be strong and invulnerable. I don't NEED a man. I don't ever want to need a man. But it doesn't mean that I don't WANT a man. I want to fall in love as much as the next hopeless romantic and when I do give my heart, I will give it completely, and without abandon. But so far, no one has been worthy of that and I'm not going to live like a nun in the meantime.
If I want to have sex- I'm going to do it. I'm going to continue to explore that world until the real thing comes along.
End of story.
Every woman has insecurities (probably every man too- and they're probably all related to penis size). Every woman finds some way to validate herself to make up for these insecurities. I don't know one woman that doesn't do this in some form or another. This validation comes in the form of eating disorders, obsessive gym going, not leaving the house without full makeup, a driving desire to climb to the top of the corporate ladder, expensive clothing, a fancy-pants car, etc, etc, etc. The list could go on and on. My validation comes in the form of men.
I was molested as a young child for a long period of time by a close family friend. He would get very angry with me when I wouldn't do as he asked. In my 4 year old mind- I began to equate making men like me with letting them use my body. Combine this with an indifferent father my entire life and you bet yer ass I've got issues where men are concerned. Therapy has helped me to recognize the symptoms, but nothing will ever make my brain stop thinking the thoughts. It's how I react to the thoughts that matter.
I LOVE sex, it's not all about validation. But there is definitely an aspect that when men want me, it makes me feel better about myself, as if I am more valuable as a person. I recognize it, I try not to let it become too much of a factor in who I sleep with. If I let it control me, I would sleep with every man who crossed my path. Obviously, I am not doing that. But it will always be a demon inside of me. You got a problem with that? Don't read my blog.
Yes, I am independent and have a desire to be strong and invulnerable. I don't NEED a man. I don't ever want to need a man. But it doesn't mean that I don't WANT a man. I want to fall in love as much as the next hopeless romantic and when I do give my heart, I will give it completely, and without abandon. But so far, no one has been worthy of that and I'm not going to live like a nun in the meantime.
If I want to have sex- I'm going to do it. I'm going to continue to explore that world until the real thing comes along.
End of story.
