Thursday, May 26, 2005
Letters from Ireland
So, I'm back from a week in Ireland. It was an interesting experience. Here's the letters I would write if I could, without looking like a psycho.
Letter #1:
Dear Patrick- a.k.a Footsy (His real name and nickname, so, if you ever meet this man in Dublin, please give him a swift kick to the testicles for me),
You were so adorable. You absolutely swept me off my feet with those eyes and how you made me laugh, and when you kissed me so gently trying to show me that you were the best kisser in Ireland. I was so flattered at Flannery's later that night, when I discovered that you had left to go someplace else, but came back immediately when your friend called to tell you that I was there. I bought it all. The shyness; how you got so mad at me because I let your friend kiss me because he wanted to know if he had garlic breath or not; when you were offended because I didn't remember that the first thing that you said to me was a remark on what a beautiful smile I had. I took you back to my hotel- the first time I've ever done that in my whole life. And we laughed and laughed and laughed. You were so understanding and patient with what I was willing to do and what I couldn't bring myself to do. I almost wept with relief that I had finally met someone who wasn't a complete asshole. You were redeeming my faith in men. You didn't want to leave the next morning. You waited until the last possible minute. You wrestled with me and tried to kick me out of bed because I wouldn't put your 'trousers' on for you and I was enamored. I felt so safe with you. I can't believe how wrong I was, again. I can't believe how easily and with such ruthless efficiency you completely blew me off when I got back from Galway. I am ashamed to admit that I had planned to have sex with you. You presented the perfect opportunity for me to finally lose my virginity, but you won't ever get that chance now. I wash my hands of you, your Irish accent, and your sexy tattoo. I hope that everytime you hear an American accent, it reminds you that you are an asshole.
Sincerely-
Chloe
Letter #2:
Dear Jay-
I saw your text message. The one where you told your friend that we weren't 'lookers'. You still took us out, despite our inadequacies in the looks department, you got us into the VIP room of the hottest club in Dublin, that was impressive. Then, you couldn't keep your hands off me. You danced too close, and offered me lessons in 'sex education'. Puh-lease. You don't think I'm a looker but you have no problems getting naked with me? I don't think so. Can you blame me for taking off while you were in the bathroom, doing Ecstasy (I might add), to avoid having to say no to you when you were going to try and get me into bed? I'm not a looker? Fuck off.
Sincerely-
Chloe
Letter #3:
Dear Christine-
Your title of my best friend has been revoked. You are officially the worst travelling companion, ever! I hadn't seen you in almost 2 years, and you ditched me- constantly- for a boy, that you met, in Ireland! You left me all by myself for an entire day, not having any idea where you were, to worry and fret that you had been killed or abducted, because you had 'slept in late' with your Irish-style boyfriend. I wasted an ENTIRE day of my vacation waiting and worrying about you. My last night there, when I was upset over the humiliation and rejection of Patrick, you again disappeared. I hope this boy was worth shitting on a decade old friendship for.
Sincerely-
Chloe
Letter #1:
Dear Patrick- a.k.a Footsy (His real name and nickname, so, if you ever meet this man in Dublin, please give him a swift kick to the testicles for me),
You were so adorable. You absolutely swept me off my feet with those eyes and how you made me laugh, and when you kissed me so gently trying to show me that you were the best kisser in Ireland. I was so flattered at Flannery's later that night, when I discovered that you had left to go someplace else, but came back immediately when your friend called to tell you that I was there. I bought it all. The shyness; how you got so mad at me because I let your friend kiss me because he wanted to know if he had garlic breath or not; when you were offended because I didn't remember that the first thing that you said to me was a remark on what a beautiful smile I had. I took you back to my hotel- the first time I've ever done that in my whole life. And we laughed and laughed and laughed. You were so understanding and patient with what I was willing to do and what I couldn't bring myself to do. I almost wept with relief that I had finally met someone who wasn't a complete asshole. You were redeeming my faith in men. You didn't want to leave the next morning. You waited until the last possible minute. You wrestled with me and tried to kick me out of bed because I wouldn't put your 'trousers' on for you and I was enamored. I felt so safe with you. I can't believe how wrong I was, again. I can't believe how easily and with such ruthless efficiency you completely blew me off when I got back from Galway. I am ashamed to admit that I had planned to have sex with you. You presented the perfect opportunity for me to finally lose my virginity, but you won't ever get that chance now. I wash my hands of you, your Irish accent, and your sexy tattoo. I hope that everytime you hear an American accent, it reminds you that you are an asshole.
Sincerely-
Chloe
Letter #2:
Dear Jay-
I saw your text message. The one where you told your friend that we weren't 'lookers'. You still took us out, despite our inadequacies in the looks department, you got us into the VIP room of the hottest club in Dublin, that was impressive. Then, you couldn't keep your hands off me. You danced too close, and offered me lessons in 'sex education'. Puh-lease. You don't think I'm a looker but you have no problems getting naked with me? I don't think so. Can you blame me for taking off while you were in the bathroom, doing Ecstasy (I might add), to avoid having to say no to you when you were going to try and get me into bed? I'm not a looker? Fuck off.
Sincerely-
Chloe
Letter #3:
Dear Christine-
Your title of my best friend has been revoked. You are officially the worst travelling companion, ever! I hadn't seen you in almost 2 years, and you ditched me- constantly- for a boy, that you met, in Ireland! You left me all by myself for an entire day, not having any idea where you were, to worry and fret that you had been killed or abducted, because you had 'slept in late' with your Irish-style boyfriend. I wasted an ENTIRE day of my vacation waiting and worrying about you. My last night there, when I was upset over the humiliation and rejection of Patrick, you again disappeared. I hope this boy was worth shitting on a decade old friendship for.
Sincerely-
Chloe
