The Virginity Monologues

Well, my 31st birthday may go down in my personal history as one of my best birthdays of my entire life.

There was dinner on my actual birthday with my favorite people.

There was the weekend in Miami, which left me sexually satisfied for 2 full weeks.

There was a night at the symphony with Spatch, where she introduced me to something else to be passionate about.

There was a night at a spa with Ana, where we were scrubbed raw by funny little women then massaged, then she introduced me to her favorite korean restaurant.

There's been drinks with co-workers.

And the best part is, I haven't been at all upset about getting another year older. I'm so much happier with my life and where I'm at now than I was at 30, that I don't care that I have to add another year to my age.
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Betsy and I walked into our favorite bar to hang out at on Friday night, planning to get a few drinks before we finished the night out. Cory was at the bar. And he saw us before we could turn around and leave. We said hi briefly then went to join our other friends at the bar. After our friends left, Cory came and sat down next to me and we talked for a few hours.

After he left, he texted me telling me its always good to see me. We went back and forth a little when he sent me a text that made it VERY clear that he was interested in me. I was confused, but decided to see where this was going to go. We made plans to hang out Saturday night at my place.

He showed up at 8:30 with a bottle of wine. We ordered take out and talked for hours. I asked him if he still wanted to date Betsy. No, he didn't. Did he like me? Yes, he did. I told him I wasn't going to have sex with him that night and that I wasn't interested in a purely physical relationship, so if this was going to be a problem, then maybe we shouldn't keep seeing each other.

I've never had a man be more respectful of me, in my life. He stayed until around 2:30 am, not kissing me until the last 5 minutes that he was there.

Where is this going to go? I don't know. But I'm pretty excited to find out.

Today's Title from: So Far To Go by Common

Labels: Cory

Is there anything, more painful, than sitting across a table from your crush, the man you've been talking to on the phone for hours, and thinking that maybe, just maybe, it could finally be your turn, and hearing him tell you that he has to be honest with you and tell you, that he's been hoping to date your friend?

I think not.

If only I was skinny, you think to yourself. So you go to the gym, you punish yourself. You berate yourself for being so stupid as to believe that this one could actually like you. I mean, really, have you seen Betsy? She's tiny and charming as hell. Just what the fuck were you thinking?

And then, when you're having lunch with Betsy after the gym, cause she's one of your best friends, she tells you that she think's you're smart and wonderful and beautiful and she apologizes profusely, even though its not her fault.

You feel small and silly and pathetic. And you wonder how much more its going to take for you to finally learn your lesson and just stop hoping.

Today's Title from: Something I Can Never Have by Nine Inch Nails

Labels: Cory

As we drove under the sign announcing that we had arrived at Miami International Airport, my heart broke a little. I would have to remove my flips flops and start wearing a scarf again shortly. It was unfair and it was much too soon.

The 2 days could not have been more perfect. We slept. We ate. We had incredible, off the charts sex. He showed me South Beach and what its like to have an orgasm on a pool table. He took bubble baths with me and never talked on his phone. He let me do all of the stupid shit I wanted to do (drive past Miami Ink!) and let me sleep in before attacking me in the mornings.

I remembered the reasons I had been glad that there had always been a time limit on our relationship. He has many wonderful qualitities, has never treated me badly, is unbelievably gorgeous and we obviously have a very strong physical connection, but there is something missing in what I feel for him. He bores me a little and I don't feel like jumping out of my skin with excitement when I'm sitting across from him at a table. There's a spark that's missing. A spark that I am confident that I can feel, because I feel it for someone else.

His name is Cory. I met him one night about a month ago when I walked into a bar with my friend, Betsy. He was sitting at the bar and it turns out, knows Betsy from when they lived on the same block. I ended up sitting next to him, and we talked for hours. We exchanged numbers at the end of the night and I was surprised to get a text from him the next morning. He very obviously has an incredibly poetic soul and is a true romantic at heart.

As I've gotten to know him better, I've discovered that Cory is the kind of guy you marry. Out of all the hours that we have talked at this point, he's never said anything even remotely inappropriate. It's been about truly learning about the other person. He asks me questions about my training and about how I feel about religion and the details that inevitably are so much more important than sexual compatibility.

We haven't gone on a date. We've only hung out with other friends a few times, and at the end of one of those nights, I got a kiss on the cheek that somehow managed to capture some lips in there too. Our whole exchange has been sweet and innocent. And I absolutely adore him. I think about him often and his smile makes my heart race.

Today's Title from: Street Lights by Kanye West

Labels: Cory, Mr. 11

Is my Birthday!

I'm not going to lie to you, I'm in a bad fucking mood.

Mostly because I DO NOT want to be in Ohio anymore. I was here in Cincinnati for 2 days last week and 3 days this week. I'm heading back to New York tomorrow (THANK GOD), but the weather forecast is snow, snow and more snow for tomorrow. And I have to make a connection in Philadelphia and chances look pretty damn good that I'm going to miss that connection. FANTASTIC. Luckily, the good news about Philly is that if I can't get out on a plane to New York? I can take a god damn train.

Normally I wouldn't be so crazy about getting back to New York. But I have a few good reasons.
1. After my experiences over Christmas, I can't think of anything worse than being stuck in an airport again.
2. Thursday is my birthday. I want to be home for my birthday.
3. Friday, I leave for Miami. I'm not particularly keen on ANYTHING jeopardizing that trip. Especially since I just endured unspeakable pain to get my legs waxed, which was actually a gigantic waste of time, because despite growing it out for over 2 weeks, I've got stubble. And my legs are not nearly as smooth as I would like them to be. FANTASTIC.

By the time I get back from Miami, I will have been on 14 different flights since Dec. 22. I'm gonna need some quality non-flying time before I will ever get on a plane again after this. The upside is that I've gotten very, very good at packing an overnight bag.

I usually don't make New Year's resolutions, as I'm generally not great at keeping them. But I feel like my resolutions this year are important and keep-able, so here goes.

New Year's Resolutions 2009

1. Run a half-marathon. Probably in April or May. I'd like to lose about 10-15 more pounds before beginning the hard-core training, so that may change depending on how well the weight loss goes over the next few months.

2. Go on at least 3 dates with someone before I sleep with someone NEW. This means that any new man that I meet will have to take me out at least 3 times before he gets any hanky panky.

3. French fries are my biggest weakness. I'm committing to going completely without them for the month of January in an attempt to wean myself off them.

4. Lose 30 more pounds.

5. Learn to love myself.

Originally written on Dec. 27th-


So, traveling this Christmas has been very possibly the worst experience of my life. Which is saying something, when you consider that I had a week long hospital stay within the last year of my life.

Getting from New York to Hometown was BAD. Here's the rundown.

Flight out of LaGuardia was delayed for 3 hours and as a result, I sprinted out of that plane in O'hare only to watch my connecting flight pull away from the gate. It was the last flight from Chicago to Hometown on all airlines for the night. AWESOME. I waited in the United Customer Service line for 3 hours and walked away at 1 am, with a hotel voucher, a confirmed flight from Denver to Hometown and a hope and a prayer that I could get on one of the flights from Chicago to Denver the next day in time to catch the flight to Hometown.

I spent 3 measly hours in that hotel room before I had to catch a shuttle back to O'Hare to fly standby on the first flight to Denver the next morning. That flight was delayed 2 hours, but I made it on. I got to Denver 6 hours before my confirmed flight, so I went and begged to get on an earlier flight and through the grace of God, made it onto that one also. I arrived in Hometown 26 hours after I had begun traveling. I had cried a lot and slept very little.

I spent 3 lovely days at home with my family. Then boarded a flight out of Hometown this morning to head back to New York. As I landed in Chicago (FUCKING Chicago!), I turned on my phone to find 3 voicemails letting my know that my flight from O'Hare to LaGuardia had been cancelled. That's right.

Cancelled.

I stood in that damned customer service line for 2.5 more hours. Got myself on standy on a flight to Newark, which I have subsequently been assigned a seat on and has been delayed for 2 hours due to weather in Chicago. In the meantime, my bag has probably landed at LaGuardia and is circling the baggage claim. Fan-Fucking-Tastic!!!

I'm sad as I make my way home. I'm sad because I've been talking about you. I've been referring to you as The Love of My Life, which is still true.

I looked at your picture tonight. The one of you and me on my birthday a few years ago. We are happy and smiling and I remember how ecstatic I was to have you there. My friend looks at your picture and deems you 'beautiful', and I remember being in awe of your physical perfection, but knowing that the person underneath is even more beautiful. Beautifully sweet and sensitive, with a heart of gold.

I miss your friendship and our dirty, flirty text messages. I miss being in your presence and finding silly reasons to touch each other. I miss the overhwelming need I felt to take care of you, to want to do anything in my power just to make you happy. I miss the anticipation of seeing you and what part of each experience would linger in my memory, that I would later re-live in intricate detail over and over in my mind. I don't crave the underwhelming passion of the final culmination of our 2 year trajectory. But I miss loving you and all the heartache that came with it.

Labels: Marc