The Virginity Monologues

There moments in life that I want to always remember.

1. Riding home in the taxi from JFK with my BFF after our trip to Barcelona. We'd just spent 3 of the loveliest days of our lives, and were the picture of complete contentment, as we sat in the back of that cab, the sun shining, the windows down and the wind blowing in our faces. Remembering the completely amazing experiences we had just had, the 2 very best of friends. As happy as 2 people could possibly be.

2. Sitting under a tent at a wedding yesterday. The wedding of 2 people who are completely deserving of all the joy and happiness that life could possibly offer. Lightly buzzed on wine and the glow of being surrounded by people that I love. One such person, whom I adore and admire tremendously, stood next to me, running her fingers across my face and down my arm. I smiled up at her and she smiled down at me.

"Your eyebrows are perfect," she said.

"Pinky's on 6th and 39th. $6 for the best eyebrow threading in the city."

And I closed my eyes again. Content.

3. Harnessed into one of the fastest and tallest roller coasters in the world. Scared out of my mind. I reach my hand out to my friend in the seat next to me. While we wait to be "launched", she squeezes my hand tight. She didn't want to go on this roller caoster, but it the one roller coaster that I had wanted to do the most. Off we went. Faster than I was expecting (turns out, it goes 128 mph) and we screamed our way through the next 30 seconds. So much so that by the time we pulled into the building where we got off the car, my eyes were bloodshot! She turned to me, and gasped, "honey, are you ok?"

I nodded. Still reeling from the adrenaline thrill that we had just experienced.

And I knew I was sitting next to one of the truest friends I will ever have.

Life..... is great.

Today's title from: Wonderful World by James Morrison

I type in the words- gucci, fendi, miu miu. I'm working on shoes and handbags. I'm wishing that all I had to think about is shoes and handbags. But instead, I think about the friend that just asked me what i would do.

I would leave. I tell her. I feel strongly about abuse. And I have promised myself that I would never stay with a man that hit me.

Its an issue that is way beyond my maturity level. I want to make jokes. I want to escape to handbags and shoes.

I say the wrong things. I'm awkward and uncomfortable. With no real relationship experience under my belt, everything that i think and feel and say feels trite and cliche.

I want to make her happy, for even an hour or a minute. I want to do anything i can to lessen her burden. To make things easier for her. No amount of money seems too big, no effort too insurmountable. Just to make her laugh.

Everything comes out wrong.

Last night, after I flipped the guy off that was honking at me while I retrieved my coat from the cab, he called me a "fat cunt."

Then I came inside to an email from someone who is not my friend anymore, telling me that she can't be my friend because i'm too mean.

I've got no crush. No one in my black book. No one on the back burner. Even Mr. 11 won't return my text messages for reasons completely unknown.

Life... isn't great.